DW acting as if nothing is happening during divorce mediation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds mentally unstable. Stay away.

Yes, being polite and kind is mentally unstable. Pyscho.

+1 I really don't think this is a big deal at all. OP: if you are uncomfortable, move. It sounds like she has no romantic feelings for you and is just being kind. She is over it. Clearly. If it bothers you, then you move. That is it. This is what an amicable divorce often looks like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you have not moved out?

Who knows what is going on with her but I personally would not be able to deal with this, emotionally. If my spouse unilaterally wanted a divorce, with no effort at counseling, I'd get out of there and be polite but use the "gray rock" strategy towards her otherwise.

It may be that she has a mental illness or does not have relationship skills and asked for divorce and now sees no way out of it. It may be that she wants a divorce and would prefer to be just friends with you and is ignoring how devastating this is for you.

Who knows, but I'd be out of there. People do occasionally remarry. But right now she gets to "divorce" you without actually having to emotionally detach from you, and you don't seem to be making it clear to her that this detachment is necessary.

His wife wants the divorce, she moves out.

That is not how it works. At all. Whoever can afford to stay keeps the property and the other moves. It has zero to do with who wants the divorce. He can vacate if he wants. She does not have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.

+1 Exactly. If it is painful for him, he should move. Many divorces are like this. It's just over for her. She is being friendly. That is all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She is playing the good guy - see everyone! we can divorce and be friends!

But tbh, she's not allowing you to grieve or mourn the relationship and set your own boundaries. You need therapy - not in a "you're messed up" but moreso how to navigate and how to set your own lines.

She shouldn't be allowed to barge in your room whenever and YOU need to respond less to the daily noise of texts/chats/etc. You don't need to be ice, but you don't need to stay in the same mind frame. You're getting a divorce - are you also working on what life will look like for you after? Make yourself scarce some evenings (after kid duties) - take up a hobby outside of the house, spend alternate weekends away from the house, etc.

You say you're healthy - this is not healthy behavior. You don't have to be mean or cruel or any of those things. But you don't have to act like a spouse.

+1. Take the kids to do stuff alone on the weekends. I would take a while to answer any text / phone call that is not kid related. If adding a lock to your door seems too aggressive, then when she comes in to discuss non-kid things, you could tell her that you need a nap/to go to bed, and then literally get under the covers and pretend to sleep. A couple of therapy sessions could help you work out a way to set up some boundaries. I also think it is fine to tell her that her behavior confuses you and ask her again if she would see a therapist with you.

It is not her job to allow him to grieve. She is done. He can tell her to stop or leave. She has no responsibility for his feelings whatsoever and vice versa. There is nothing confusing about her behavior. She has moved on. He hasn't. That's it. There is nothing deeper here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

For instance, she still texts me random stuff (funny text messages, sexual jokes, etc...), she calls me and tells me about her day (like last night we were on the phone for 50 mins). We have not had sex in over 7 months, we are sleeping in separate bedrooms.

This morning she comes into my room wakes me up and tells me about a book that she is reading about ADD and she thinks she has ADD.

I do not want to play psychologists online since mental illness is very serious, but what you are describing is clearly not a normal behavior. If she was f***king someone or if she has a secret boyfriend waiting, I do not think she would give you 5 mins of her time....

Honestly continue listening to her etc until the divorce is final. Once the divorce is final, cut all communications unless kids-related.

I am sorry OP, but this could be a mess post-divorce. My gut feeling is that this woman may very well make your life hell post-divorce......She needs to a mental health professional ASAP.

possibly.

Or she's just a talkative person. Or anxious so overshares or tells jokes. Or she's so relieved things are moving forward she's babbling on and on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any chance she's having a manic episode? Is she spending a lot, or not sleeping, or making big career decisions? What you're describing isn't a manic episode on its own but paired with other parts of her life, maybe?

Oh please. Have you ever met an actual raging bipolar person during their multi day rage or peak? this is not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you have not moved out?

Who knows what is going on with her but I personally would not be able to deal with this, emotionally. If my spouse unilaterally wanted a divorce, with no effort at counseling, I'd get out of there and be polite but use the "gray rock" strategy towards her otherwise.

It may be that she has a mental illness or does not have relationship skills and asked for divorce and now sees no way out of it. It may be that she wants a divorce and would prefer to be just friends with you and is ignoring how devastating this is for you.

Who knows, but I'd be out of there. People do occasionally remarry. But right now she gets to "divorce" you without actually having to emotionally detach from you, and you don't seem to be making it clear to her that this detachment is necessary.

maybe i missed it but

A) WHY does/did she want a divorce?

B) WHY does she not want to do solo or couples therapy? (My reason had been married to an abusive narcissist who lied to doctors and therapists point blank, even about his Dx's. But I told him: No, No more therapy with an abusive person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She sounds mentally unstable. Stay away.

Yes, being polite and kind is mentally unstable. Pyscho.

+1

She's being polite and kind, and feels the mediation is bringing a sense of closure as it progresses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you have not moved out?

Who knows what is going on with her but I personally would not be able to deal with this, emotionally. If my spouse unilaterally wanted a divorce, with no effort at counseling, I'd get out of there and be polite but use the "gray rock" strategy towards her otherwise.

It may be that she has a mental illness or does not have relationship skills and asked for divorce and now sees no way out of it. It may be that she wants a divorce and would prefer to be just friends with you and is ignoring how devastating this is for you.

Who knows, but I'd be out of there. People do occasionally remarry. But right now she gets to "divorce" you without actually having to emotionally detach from you, and you don't seem to be making it clear to her that this detachment is necessary.

His wife wants the divorce, she moves out.

lol. bunch of stubborn idiots who think not moving out is some hill to die on.
once you move out the temp custody arrangement and the child support kicks in plus you have to leave the property in the same or better condition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like she fell out of love and isn't interested in being married to OP anymore, but it's not like she hates OP. She still wants to be friends. OP is still in love so it's hard for him and he needs the separation in order to process emotionally. I don't think she's acting "crazy" but it doesn't sound like she realizes how painful her behavior is to OP. OP should tell her.

So she got bored I guess....

We do not know what happened. at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's trying to be nice and friendly so you can have an amicable co-parenting relationship. You want her to be a monster instead?

She probably does have someone lined up so you should start dating too.

I agree but don't start dating yet. Do it once she breaks up with the guy she is leaving you for. And by the way if she has a guy already lined that's the best-case scenario for you because people who date soon after divorce don't do well.

Why do you think it is best case scenario if your ex is not doing well? Wouldn't it make co-parenting a lot harder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is there a reason you have not moved out?

Who knows what is going on with her but I personally would not be able to deal with this, emotionally. If my spouse unilaterally wanted a divorce, with no effort at counseling, I'd get out of there and be polite but use the "gray rock" strategy towards her otherwise.

It may be that she has a mental illness or does not have relationship skills and asked for divorce and now sees no way out of it. It may be that she wants a divorce and would prefer to be just friends with you and is ignoring how devastating this is for you.

Who knows, but I'd be out of there. People do occasionally remarry. But right now she gets to "divorce" you without actually having to emotionally detach from you, and you don't seem to be making it clear to her that this detachment is necessary.

maybe i missed it but

A) WHY does/did she want a divorce?

B) WHY does she not want to do solo or couples therapy? (My reason had been married to an abusive narcissist who lied to doctors and therapists point blank, even about his Dx's. But I told him: No, No more therapy with an abusive person.

Not Op but the reason is irrelevant and no one wants to do therapy once they have decided they are done.

[Anonymous]

My ex-wife acts similarly, and I think it is likely to escalate if I am visibly starting a new relationship. She will have every rationale in the world why she “needs” instantaneous/extended conversations about stuff of mutual interest/shared responsibilities, and a new partner is going to feel doomed — sort of like Princess Diana with three people being in the relationship/marriage.

Right now I’m lonely/bored so it seems harmless, but I have no idea what the future holds. My plan is to keep my private life a total secret to her and wait for her to make the first move with a new relationship. If/when that happens she won’t give me the time of day, and any kneejerk complaints from our kids about choice of partners or it being “way too soon” will first get dumped on her.

In case you’re wondering, we both have some narcissistic tendencies, hers completely unacknowledged.

[Anonymous]

^^I don’t get this. Why don’t you just put boundaries down? Communicate via a parenting app and grey rock. Do not engage. You are at least half the problem if after divorce you still cannot figure out how to boundary your relationship appropriately.

OP — your focus on her behavior is telling. You need to focus on what YOU are doing to enable this. You can open your mouth and tell her that you need space and you want her to discuss only mediation or co parenting issues. You can change the tone of discussions to make it more formal and distant. You can tell her that you are hurt and don’t want to process emotions with her and that she needs to keep whatever she feels — positive or negative — to herself. My sense is you don’t know what you feel or want and this not being in touch with yourself is a major issue in the relationship. Be that as it may, stop complaining about her and work on yourself.

Her behavior sounds within the range of normal in that even when people divorce they have mixed feelings. It could take years for both of you to recognize the role you have played in each other’s lives. Some divorced people remain like “family” to one another, others are “friends,” others frenemies or just totally strangers. There are no rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You wanted the divorce. She's being the bigger person.

Reading comprehension problems?