Blindsided by ER bill - DD says she was "roofied"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also called the police department directly and was told I couldn't get a copy of any police report if she's a victim of a crime. So that's a dead end.

Let me be clear: If she was roofied, I want to talk to the police because I think they'll take me/a parent more seriously than they'll take a college student victim. Also, if they arrest someone, I want to know who it is and sue them for the bill.

If she's lying, there's a whole other set of issues.

But I like what PP said about family law. I can't believe this had to be stated, but yeah, arrests and hospitalizations are immediate parental notifications.

She doesn't have a car on campus this year.

She plans to live off campus next year. If she's legitimately a victim, I might let her keep it. But if this is something else, probably not. The risk is just too high.

Holy shit. Family law refers to divorce and custody cases. Your family has no laws. If you act this way, be ready for your daughter to cut you out of your life.

Doesn't sound like she is ready for car though, nor she is she entitled to it. Don't do that in conjecture with this incident though

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why the discussion is being presented as EITHER roofied OR alcohol poisoning? Couldn't it be both? And if both, couldn't it have gone either way first, time-wise?

Even if her blood alcohol level was sky-high, that doesn't mean she couldn't have been roofied. And it doesn't tell you whether the poor judgment about alcohol was her initial decision or something forced on her when she was pretty out of it, or some mix of the two.

What am I missing about this?

[Anonymous]

A friend of a friend of mine was apparently an alcoholic in college. She would drink vodka in her closet before her roommate (my friend) and all of us went out. One night she couldn't even stand up. She was holding onto someone's hand and somehow got pulled around and smashed her face on a big column of a building, gushing blood out of her nose (not broken). I can't remember what her alcohol content was but it was ridiculously high--the ER docs came out to ask questions--of which I really had no answers because we literally had just picked her up and this was all of 20 minutes later.

She thought it was funny. Truthfully, I remember being a bit freaked out--but at the time didn't know the extent of her alcohol problems. Drinking was very normalized, etc.

And this was in the late 80s/early 90s. From every thing I have read, seen firsthand and heard from friends with kids currently in college, the level of alcohol abuse is about 10 times what was already very damn high 'back in the day'. In fact, some of my nephews transferred schools because it was pretty ridiculous and they are 'fun' kids, athletes, etc.

I think your daughter likely had 'alcohol poisoning' and wasn't roofied. She probably thinks by saying 'roofie' she isn't responsible for being so wasted in your eyes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD’s roommate last year was drinking a lot, vaping marijuana in their room and just generally hanging out with a hard partying crowd. 1st semester of freshmen year. It wasn’t unusual for her to stay out all night. One morning after she didn’t come back to the dorm room the previous night, DD received bunch of texts from the roommates friends saying she was in the ER. When roommate came back she told DD she’d been roofied. The roommates friends said it had just been the 4 of them drinking in their neighboring dorm room. Roommate had a very rocky year and didn’t return in the Fall.

OP pay the bill but don’t let her take the car next year. Experimenting and partying too much every once in awhile is one thing. This sounds like it could be something else.

This. It's very common for people to use 'I've been roofied' when they have had way beyond their limit and can't handle the alcohol. It's a 'try to save face' for being absolutely plastered--and any embarrassing behavior that came from that.

[Anonymous]

OP- what scares me are the number of kids who die in their sleep choking on their own vomit --at frat parties, etc., because nobody sees them or how bad they are doing.

The alcohol abuse is scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, OP. I think you confront her on it. Tell her you love her but the story doesn't sound right and that if you are expected to parent in the form if paying hospital bills and college tuition, you should be consulted. Moreover, as a parent who has been around and who loves her, you should especially if there is a situation that involves police.

If this was alcohol poisoning, did she really "seek care?" The cases I know, the person is too incapacitated to choose care, and the friends dump them at the ER, no? Or call 911. I think all the people worried she won't seek care are kind of missing the point if she is manipulating the situation. DD will look at her as a blank check with some of the advice here, and that will not help OP guide her.

Hang in there, OP. I think it's fair to have expectations and for DD to experience repercussions of her actions, especially if she refuses your help, but keep showing the love too.

+1. Reminds me of the shopping cart seen in the National Lampoon's Animal House.

[Anonymous]

Wow the replies to this are astonishing. What happened to believe women?

I drank to excess to the point of blacking out regularly. I was never hospitalized, but I was roofied and raped. Something serious happened and accusing this girl of lying and alcholism is not a productive way to deal with the incident.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have some huge problems. My first thought would be, “why does my daughter feel as though she couldn’t share this information with me?” Who cares why she was in the hospital, I think it’s crazy that she didn’t go to you. Why do you think that is OP? Please let the 120 dollar bill go. It’s not that serious. YOU pay it and move on to fix your relationship with her. Your focus is being on a defective and not a mother.

[Anonymous]

I'm surprised no one has suggested this yet, but in addition to alcohol poisoning, I wouldn't rule out the possibility of fentanyl. We have a friend whose kid had a really scary medical episode that apparently was precipitated by smoking pot that was laced with fentanyl. The kid wound up dropping out.

In my book the most important thing for the OP is to establish more honest communication with her DD. To do that, you can't go in guns blazing with threats, but you also need to use your leverage - presumably you pay her tuition? For my kid, that means our opinion still matters and communication on anything important is still automatic. I can't imagine him ever going to the ER or filing a police report without telling us.

OP, you didn't mention her age, but if she's a first-year, I'd be even more concerned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- what scares me are the number of kids who die in their sleep choking on their own vomit --at frat parties, etc., because nobody sees them or how bad they are doing.

The alcohol abuse is scary.

This is exactly why you should never scold or punish your child for going to the ER when she had a problem. Your kid needs to know you have her back.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to take a step back and ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with your DD. Contacting the police and/or asking for an EOB for the medical care she received is completely overreaching. She is presumably over 18 and is an adult. I’d encourage you to treat her like one and work on developing mutual respect. If my mom acted like you are acting now, I’d do my best to shut her out, which is clearly what your DD is doing. Build trust with her so that she comes to you in times of crisis, or else your setting yourself up for a lifetime of wondering why she never calls or wants to spend holidays with you.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry for whatever happened to your daughter and that there isn’t enough trust there for you to know what to believe. I’d focus on trying to support her and maybe at some point she’ll open up more about it. If not, I don’t see how you can force it (and she may be more secretive the more pushy you get).

I grew up with a very judgmental mother who also panicked about everything, which often made things worse. I was a good, responsible kid but I really didn’t necessarily feel comfortable opening up to my mom about certain things.

I had excellent grades yet like many inexperienced teenagers with newfound independence, made some dumb decisions in college. I drank too much generally, and one time participated in a stupid game where a few of us mixed cough medicine with alcohol. I ended up basically tripping on Robitussin and had to be hospitalized. I was completely embarrassed and never said a word about it to my mother (my biggest fear was she’d see the hospital bill and find out).

Anyway, I hope everything will turn out okay. Not everyone is ready to share, even if they aren’t hiding something, so just be supportive and let her know you are there for her if she needs you. Even if she has a history of fabricating, it’s possible she made a poor decision and something bad happened that still isn’t her fault. You don’t want to push her away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what scares me are the number of kids who die in their sleep choking on their own vomit --at frat parties, etc., because nobody sees them or how bad they are doing.

The alcohol abuse is scary.

This is exactly why you should never scold or punish your child for going to the ER when she had a problem. Your kid needs to know you have her back.

We don't know that. Friends could have taken her or an ambulance. What does your bill say in the itemization, OP?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry for the number of WITCHY comments you have received and I am sorry for what happened with your daughter.

I would try to have an open and honest conversation with her and I would definitely not allow the car next year. Perhaps if she doesn't tell you what really happened you can threaten to drop her from your insurance.

Good luck to both of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to take a step back and ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to have with your DD. Contacting the police and/or asking for an EOB for the medical care she received is completely overreaching. She is presumably over 18 and is an adult. I’d encourage you to treat her like one and work on developing mutual respect. If my mom acted like you are acting now, I’d do my best to shut her out, which is clearly what your DD is doing. Build trust with her so that she comes to you in times of crisis, or else your setting yourself up for a lifetime of wondering why she never calls or wants to spend holidays with you.

But mom is paying the ER bill.