Blindsided by ER bill - DD says she was "roofied"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sorry your are dealing with this. She is safe and okay right now. Pay the bill. No decision needs to be made about the car for September of next year now. Try to engage with her over Christmas break on how she is really doing and see if that can lead into a conversation about what really happened. I would drop it until then -- no need to be the source of drama and strife for her and a reason she doesn't focus on studying for finals. Good luck.

OP here. Valid. Thanks.

Agree (though I think she's totally lying and the real issue was alcohol toxicity).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wait to see how the rest of the year goes before deciding one way or another about the car. I think it is entirely possible she was roofied. But it’s also possible, perhaps more likely, that she got super drunk and/or took drugs.

You don’t know what really happened and it doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to find out. But if you decide now to take the car, you’re only punishing her for going to the hospital. And you definitely want to encourage her to get medical help when needed! Maybe it was a wake up call and she will get great grades and have no more issues. It’s not even December yet, and kids away from home for the first time do stupid things. If she makes other bad decisions, gets bad grades, or just generally doesn’t seem mature enough for the car, you can make that call at the end of the year. But I wouldn’t tie it to the hospital trip.

For about the 525th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about me assessing whether to allow her to have one next year.

Nowhere in that post does the PP indicate that your daughter already has a car on campus. You need to chill out. No wonder your daughter doesn't feel comfortable being open and honest with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leave a punishment out of it for now. You should be able to see the details of the visit via your insurance.

This. Make sure to review the line item list of services from the hospital and the EOB from the insurance company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wait to see how the rest of the year goes before deciding one way or another about the car. I think it is entirely possible she was roofied. But it’s also possible, perhaps more likely, that she got super drunk and/or took drugs.

You don’t know what really happened and it doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to find out. But if you decide now to take the car, you’re only punishing her for going to the hospital. And you definitely want to encourage her to get medical help when needed! Maybe it was a wake up call and she will get great grades and have no more issues. It’s not even December yet, and kids away from home for the first time do stupid things. If she makes other bad decisions, gets bad grades, or just generally doesn’t seem mature enough for the car, you can make that call at the end of the year. But I wouldn’t tie it to the hospital trip.

For about the 525th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about me assessing whether to allow her to have one next year.

I no longer feel like helping you OP. You are a massive B****. And you wonder why your DD lies.

[Anonymous]

I have always told my young adult children to feel free to see a doctor for any issue they felt they couldn't talk to us about. Your kid had a medical emergency and sought care. Your reaction is going to make her second-guess that decision in the future. Do you really want to get that phone call about her not waking up one morning? Pay the co-pay and reassure her that she did the right thing by getting medical help. Also let her know that you will always have her back should she need to get help again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wait to see how the rest of the year goes before deciding one way or another about the car. I think it is entirely possible she was roofied. But it’s also possible, perhaps more likely, that she got super drunk and/or took drugs.

You don’t know what really happened and it doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to find out. But if you decide now to take the car, you’re only punishing her for going to the hospital. And you definitely want to encourage her to get medical help when needed! Maybe it was a wake up call and she will get great grades and have no more issues. It’s not even December yet, and kids away from home for the first time do stupid things. If she makes other bad decisions, gets bad grades, or just generally doesn’t seem mature enough for the car, you can make that call at the end of the year. But I wouldn’t tie it to the hospital trip.

For about the 525th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about me assessing whether to allow her to have one next year.

I no longer feel like helping you OP. You are a massive B****. And you wonder why your DD lies.

Because she's a lying, irresponsible binge drinker, we know.

Make sure she's on birth control, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was roofied once and the hospital dx alcohol poisoning without ever taking my blood alcohol level. They treated me like shit and let me walk out of there with no purse, no memory, and still completely f-ed up. No idea if I was assaulted. It's upsetting just thinking back to it, and she could be legitimately processing some trauma. I wish I would have known enough to get a lawyer and sued the hospital- they have a responsibility to “screen and stabilize” and they did neither.

you don't know that. They do triage. Alcohol poisoning cases are low on the triage scale. They did screen and stabilize you. you were released. They were done. Stop making your overdose the responsibility of ER.

[Anonymous]

What does the bill say? Usually, they are minutely detailed. Surely you can tell what she was treated for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave a punishment out of it for now. You should be able to see the details of the visit via your insurance.

This. Make sure to review the line item list of services from the hospital and the EOB from the insurance company.

If you have the co-pay bill from the hospital, try their billing phone number. They may have an automated way to get an itemized statement. That’s what we recently had to do for our DCs recent ER visit (during which DC expressly waived HIPAA). But it’s a crock - our DC is still technically a “minor” and “we” are still legally the (financial) guarantor….but they won’t tell us crap without the waiver. That is one messed up system.

As for next year and a car - I’d lean heavily to “not until she comes clean about what happened AND can pay for her share of car expenses (if she’s not already)”.

[Anonymous]

your daughter is clearly lying. When she's home for holiday break I'd have a serious conversation with her letting her know that you don't completely buy her explanation. Tell her that you suspect she might be claiming "I got roofied" to shift blame. I also don't think she got the cops involved. Do you know how she found herself at the hospital? Did a friend take her? Did freaked out friends drop her off on the curb and drive away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was roofied once and the hospital dx alcohol poisoning without ever taking my blood alcohol level. They treated me like shit and let me walk out of there with no purse, no memory, and still completely f-ed up. No idea if I was assaulted. It's upsetting just thinking back to it, and she could be legitimately processing some trauma. I wish I would have known enough to get a lawyer and sued the hospital- they have a responsibility to “screen and stabilize” and they did neither.

you don't know that. They do triage. Alcohol poisoning cases are low on the triage scale. They did screen and stabilize you. you were released. They were done. Stop making your overdose the responsibility of ER.

Overdose implies fault. Being roofied is a crime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you take the car over this, why would she ever tell you the truth about anything? You’ve taught her that she needs to lie to avoid punishment.

For like the 10th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about her having a car next year. This is about her JUDGMENT. It's not about "punishment." Right now I'm seriously questioning whether it's a good idea to let her have a car. She's going to be living off campus a good 5 or 6 miles from school and the parties. If, in fact, this is something else other than roofies, I'm reticent to allow her to have a car if there's any chance she might show poor judgment with it and alcohol. No, I didn't think that would be the case until this incident.

I'd like to believe this is what she says it is. But she's really not behaving like a victim of crime. Who downplays being violated like that?

Lots of people. It’s a common early response, as if we can keep an event from being a big deal by simply acting like it’s not. I have no idea what happened, but please leave space for the possibility that beneath your daughter’s laughter she’s quite shaken, in which case this will come out in other ways — maybe not healthy ways — over time. Just be open.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP. I think you confront her on it. Tell her you love her but the story doesn't sound right and that if you are expected to parent in the form if paying hospital bills and college tuition, you should be consulted. Moreover, as a parent who has been around and who loves her, you should especially if there is a situation that involves police.

If this was alcohol poisoning, did she really "seek care?" The cases I know, the person is too incapacitated to choose care, and the friends dump them at the ER, no? Or call 911. I think all the people worried she won't seek care are kind of missing the point if she is manipulating the situation. DD will look at her as a blank check with some of the advice here, and that will not help OP guide her.

Hang in there, OP. I think it's fair to have expectations and for DD to experience repercussions of her actions, especially if she refuses your help, but keep showing the love too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wait to see how the rest of the year goes before deciding one way or another about the car. I think it is entirely possible she was roofied. But it’s also possible, perhaps more likely, that she got super drunk and/or took drugs.

You don’t know what really happened and it doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to find out. But if you decide now to take the car, you’re only punishing her for going to the hospital. And you definitely want to encourage her to get medical help when needed! Maybe it was a wake up call and she will get great grades and have no more issues. It’s not even December yet, and kids away from home for the first time do stupid things. If she makes other bad decisions, gets bad grades, or just generally doesn’t seem mature enough for the car, you can make that call at the end of the year. But I wouldn’t tie it to the hospital trip.

For about the 525th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about me assessing whether to allow her to have one next year.

I no longer feel like helping you OP. You are a massive B****. And you wonder why your DD lies.

OP might be really, really stressed and scared. Not an excuse but I’m definitely not at my best when I’m stressed and scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, if you take the car over this, why would she ever tell you the truth about anything? You’ve taught her that she needs to lie to avoid punishment.

For like the 10th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about her having a car next year. This is about her JUDGMENT. It's not about "punishment." Right now I'm seriously questioning whether it's a good idea to let her have a car. She's going to be living off campus a good 5 or 6 miles from school and the parties. If, in fact, this is something else other than roofies, I'm reticent to allow her to have a car if there's any chance she might show poor judgment with it and alcohol. No, I didn't think that would be the case until this incident.

I'd like to believe this is what she says it is. But she's really not behaving like a victim of crime. Who downplays being violated like that?

Lots of people. It’s a common early response, as if we can keep an event from being a big deal by simply acting like it’s not. I have no idea what happened, but please leave space for the possibility that beneath your daughter’s laughter she’s quite shaken, in which case this will come out in other ways — maybe not healthy ways — over time. Just be open.

I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

DP, but I was roofied at a college bar a week before graduation. I didn't tell anyone - I was a goody-goody who didn't drank until I was 21, waiting for marriage to have sex, etc. I would have come off as a lying hypocrite.