Blindsided by ER bill - DD says she was "roofied"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book,being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

So what did your book tell you during her younger years? Good place to start there with the detective work. What you're trying to fix now will not be fixed, and likely be made worse. Figure out at what distant point in time had she decided that she did not want to trust you and be herself. Did you always talk to her in a legal and punitive way? How long ago, if ever, did you have a real parent to child heart to heart authentic relationship? Delving into speculative territory here, but it's not at all unreasonable to me that she doesn't want to be subjected to the same way you've addressed yourself in this thread. Maybe there was a reason she first turned to drinking that not primarily due to peer pressure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would wait to see how the rest of the year goes before deciding one way or another about the car. I think it is entirely possible she was roofied. But it’s also possible, perhaps more likely, that she got super drunk and/or took drugs.

You don’t know what really happened and it doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to find out. But if you decide now to take the car, you’re only punishing her for going to the hospital. And you definitely want to encourage her to get medical help when needed! Maybe it was a wake up call and she will get great grades and have no more issues. It’s not even December yet, and kids away from home for the first time do stupid things. If she makes other bad decisions, gets bad grades, or just generally doesn’t seem mature enough for the car, you can make that call at the end of the year. But I wouldn’t tie it to the hospital trip.

For about the 525th time, she doesn't currently have a car. This is about me assessing whether to allow her to have one next year.

You seem to be more worried about the $120 copay or whether she has a car, then if she was roofied. Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- what scares me are the number of kids who die in their sleep choking on their own vomit --at frat parties, etc., because nobody sees them or how bad they are doing.

The alcohol abuse is scary.

This is exactly why you should never scold or punish your child for going to the ER when she had a problem. Your kid needs to know you have her back.

Which means rehab. Don't normalize drinking until you black out.

Are you implying that nobody is roofied, it is all their own fault? Why are you such an ass?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, just think for a moment, what if I am wrong and accuse my daughter of horrible things and lying.

What if your daughter was raped or roofied or whatever. Maybe she is processing that. Maybe she is lying, but why jump to the conclusion she is lying?

She probably didn't realize you'd get this bill or she didn't want to talk about it.

What are the consequences if you threaten her and go ballistic and you are doing it to a victim?

Take a breath. Some of the responses have this girl in rehab, some say get her on BC? Why are we assuming she is a huge liar?

What you do here can really affect your future relationship. You sound hot headed if your first inclination is to ban her from having a car a year from now. I hope you haven't said this to her.

If you're so concerned, go see her, tell her you're concerned and how can you help?

She posted a drunk TikTok from her hospital bed, flashing peace signs and the like. (A friend of hers showed me). She says she wasn’t raped and while I guess being roofied CAN result in behaving extra drunk, roofies are actually sedatives. Unfortunately, I don’t believe she was roofied — I think that is a story to cover up the fact that she was so trashed that her friends decided to intervene and take her to the hospital. If so, this is now at least the second event I am aware of in the year where she has been blackout drunk. So we clearly need a conversation about substance abuse.

We will have a conversation in two weeks after finals. I have told her to bring a copy of the police report and the tox screen from her hospital visit as well as the itemized bill. We will look at those things together.

If, in fact, she brings those things, the discussion will be limited to does she need support to deal with being crime victim and this basic idea that you call your parents when you are hospitalized.

If she can’t produce them or refuses, then I will have no choice to conclude that she was drunk to the point of being taken to a hospital, which in my mind is very serious. She followed that up with the extremely poor judgment in failing to notify immediately (lie of omission), inventing a story to cover (lie of commission), and gaslighting (“this is why I didn’t tell you.”).

And because of these poor choices, she won’t be allowed to rush this Spring (she has no money of her own since she spent her job money as quickly as she had it despite my continued counsel to build up savings for college expenses. She gets an allowance but doesn’t save that either.) I had agreed previously to pay for rush and sorority dues since she got several scholarships, but there’s no way I am going to pay to put her into a Greek system where attitudes about alcohol are worse than the school at large, under the circumstances.

As for the car, I may place conditions on her to earn it for next year. These include:

— Completing an alcohol awareness class
— Showing me her report card (something I have never asked of her older sister) and granting me FERPA waiver.
— Maintaing her scholarship.
— Getting a job on campus second semester to supplement the allowance (clearly she had the time).
— Getting a source of decent summer income, either at home or like as a camp counselor or something. She’s too young to get an internship, probably, but if she got one of those I would accept it as a substitute even if it didn’t pay.

That’s my “morning after” plan.

Congratulations, I am sure it would go well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

At least our kids didn't feel they need to lie to us.

OP, you are a seriously vindictive person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

I think she has been a reflexive, habitual liar for many years. A friend taught her how to try to deceive her parents. I do think she is lying because she is afraid of consequences, not so much because she is “afraid” of me.

It is all their fault, and you get a prize for being the parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Title should read "Blindsided by my DAUGHTER"

If OP thinks his daughter is a habitual liar, why would he be blindsided? It should be more like "Enraged that my daughter does not tell me anything".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's DD thinks absolutely nothing of getting blackout fall down drunk and going to the ER.
And has been living on the edge throughout high school as well.

Forget that car. Why is she going to college next semester? She needs to be in rehab.

She could be terrified, but OP would never know.

[Anonymous]

Black out drunk is NOT normal college behavior.

Ending up up in the emergency room for over intoxication is NOT normal college behavior.

Lying about being roofied to cover all of this up is NOT normal college behavior.

It IS the behavior of an out of control deceptive liar, who is probably a mediocre student studying something easy, whose four year long "spring break" is probably being 100% paid for by her parents. In short, an irresponsible spoiled brat who probably never deserved this four year vacation to a university in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Black out drunk is NOT normal college behavior.

Ending up up in the emergency room for over intoxication is NOT normal college behavior.

Lying about being roofied to cover all of this up is NOT normal college behavior.

It IS the behavior of an out of control deceptive liar, who is probably a mediocre student studying something easy, whose four year long "spring break" is probably being 100% paid for by her parents. In short, an irresponsible spoiled brat who probably never deserved this four year vacation to a university in the first place.

How did she get into this position in the first place? That is a question OP should consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

I think she has been a reflexive, habitual liar for many years. A friend taught her how to try to deceive her parents. I do think she is lying because she is afraid of consequences, not so much because she is “afraid” of me.

It is all their fault, and you get a prize for being the parent?

I promise you that I'm a much better parent than you could ever hope to be.

What the hell is wrong with you with this cascade of nasty messages in response to a thread I posted two days ago?

Take a seat. I have this under control now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

I think she has been a reflexive, habitual liar for many years. A friend taught her how to try to deceive her parents. I do think she is lying because she is afraid of consequences, not so much because she is “afraid” of me.

It is all their fault, and you get a prize for being the parent?

I promise you that I'm a much better parent than you could ever hope to be.

What the hell is wrong with you with this cascade of nasty messages in response to a thread I posted two days ago?

Take a seat. I have this under control now.

lol okay OP. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep insisting that her daughter sought medical care? It’s highly unlikely that the daughter did that on her own. Much more likely her friends took her to the hospital (good for them!).

OP, I think you need the health care power of attorney going forward.

OP here.

Yes, this is evidently what happened.

Bottom line is she appears to have been hospitalized for alcohol use and then invented a lie about being a victim of a crime when asked about the TikTok by one parent then the hospital bill by me. Told the parents different stories too, thinking we wouldn’t compare notes (we did, and we both agree it’s unlikely she was actually roofied).

In my book, being hospitalized for alcohol abuse and then lying about it is a pretty big red flag that needs to be addressed. Especially if she wants even more freedoms next year, including a car I pay for and insure. As far as I am concerned, it is legitimate to be worried about a combination of a history of poor judgment with alcohol and access to a car when the party scene will be five or six miles from her off campus rental.

It’s weird some of you see that as “punishment.”

Evidently some of you are shitty parents who think I should just ignore and carry on.

Do you think she wants to lie to you, or do you think she wants to have an open and honest relationship with you, but is afraid of you?

I think she has been a reflexive, habitual liar for many years. A friend taught her how to try to deceive her parents. I do think she is lying because she is afraid of consequences, not so much because she is “afraid” of me.

It is all their fault, and you get a prize for being the parent?

I promise you that I'm a much better parent than you could ever hope to be.

What the hell is wrong with you with this cascade of nasty messages in response to a thread I posted two days ago?

Take a seat. I have this under control now.

lol okay OP. Good luck.

Enjoy raising your toddlers.

[Anonymous]

TBH

My son said that kids use the word “roofied” when someone put something in their drink even if it’s not the date rape drug.

Kids will put…
Xanax
Adderall
Micro mushrooms
Shots of vodka in a beer (do they think they have 3 drinks and it’s actually 6)
Etc

You do you but usually a friend notices this before the victim and they take their friend to the hospital and toxicology doesn’t always show this.

[Anonymous]

People can become blackout drunk and genuinely forget large swaths of time. The poor girl probably does not remember what led to the incident and is unable to give an accurate account. She may hope she was “roofied” and can’t admit that she doesn’t know what happened. Super humiliating for her.
Avoid shaming and condemnation while also being firm about sharing your concerns. Treat it as a family problem to be worked out together.