If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your ILs paid for your wedding, would you be okay with them making all/most of the decisions?

Did you attend SIL's wedding? Do you know who attended and who planned (like if it was SIL and MIL making joint decisions). By the way, isn't it a good thing that SIL chose the $3k vendor instead of the $20k vendor? How is that something to be salty about after all these years?

You're counting other people's money. If your DH is/was upset about this, or wished he could afford a wedding, I can see your point. Otherwise, I find it hard to emphathize.

I noticed OP hasn't answered this question. You're bitter, I get it. But be realistic and ask yourself if you would still be complaining if the ILs gave money for the wedding and called the shots too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

What!?!?
As long as you have the means to help, of course you help!

I can’t imagine paying for one child’s wedding but not the other

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have set aside equal amounts of money for our son and daughter, to be given at the time of their weddings. It is up to them how they use it.

What if one uses the money for down payment and the other doesn't get married? Why not give it to them at the same time and not make it dependent upon a wedding?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your ILs paid for your wedding, would you be okay with them making all/most of the decisions?

Did you attend SIL's wedding? Do you know who attended and who planned (like if it was SIL and MIL making joint decisions). By the way, isn't it a good thing that SIL chose the $3k vendor instead of the $20k vendor? How is that something to be salty about after all these years?

You're counting other people's money. If your DH is/was upset about this, or wished he could afford a wedding, I can see your point. Otherwise, I find it hard to emphathize.

I noticed OP hasn't answered this question. You're bitter, I get it. But be realistic and ask yourself if you would still be complaining if the ILs gave money for the wedding and called the shots too.

Yes, I would let them make 100% of the decisions. Location, guest list, vendor, menu. Seriously, this is silly, my ILs didn't want anything to do with my wedding why would they want to plan anything. I think I got my answer now. Good to know that when the question is presented as "should you treat your kids unequally when it comes to paying for wedding", everyone agrees what a horrible parent you are if you pay for daughter's but not son's (if you had the money), but when the questions is presented as "should a DIL be upset that the ILs paid for one child's wedding in full but contributes 0 for hers" then the answer is no your ILs did no wrong. This has been fun. LOL. I will be logging off now. Those on the moral high horse, I am sure Karma will find its way to you soon. Those who shared good insights, thank you!

[Anonymous]

It’s 2023 - support would be the same but it would also be small even if I had a bit more money. I’d probably give 15k at the most. It’s ridiculous how costly weddings have become in this country and the couple can have ridiculous expectations for their guests, and worse for the wedding party (engagement party, bridal shower, bachelorette party, lingerie party, wedding, all in different stats!) and then a stupid dress code like the recent wedding I have coming up that’s “White Tie”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if your ILs paid for your wedding, would you be okay with them making all/most of the decisions?

Did you attend SIL's wedding? Do you know who attended and who planned (like if it was SIL and MIL making joint decisions). By the way, isn't it a good thing that SIL chose the $3k vendor instead of the $20k vendor? How is that something to be salty about after all these years?

You're counting other people's money. If your DH is/was upset about this, or wished he could afford a wedding, I can see your point. Otherwise, I find it hard to emphathize.

I noticed OP hasn't answered this question. You're bitter, I get it. But be realistic and ask yourself if you would still be complaining if the ILs gave money for the wedding and called the shots too.

Yes, I would let them make 100% of the decisions. Location, guest list, vendor, menu. Seriously, this is silly, my ILs didn't want anything to do with my wedding why would they want to plan anything. I think I got my answer now. Good to know that when the question is presented as "should you treat your kids unequally when it comes to paying for wedding", everyone agrees what a horrible parent you are if you pay for daughter's but not son's (if you had the money), but when the questions is presented as "should a DIL be upset that the ILs paid for one child's wedding in full but contributes 0 for hers" then the answer is no your ILs did no wrong. This has been fun. LOL. I will be logging off now. Those on the moral high horse, I am sure Karma will find its way to you soon. Those who shared good insights, thank you!

I agree that what happened was unfair. I also agree with everyone saying you need to stop ruminating on this and move on. It's not a good look to be counting your IL's money, even if they did spend it unevenly 20 years ago at wedding time. You have to make peace with this and move on, whatever that looks like for you (low contact, no contact, forgive and move on, just pick one).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s probably not a wedding, it’s probably a weekend with multiple expensive functions. We’ve had sons marry, and have an unmarried daughter. In the sons’ cases, we paid pretty equally with the brides’ families, but it involved zero contribution to the reception — just totally paying for other expensive shindigs over three days.

In the case of my daughter, we would pay for her wedding and reception, but not contribute to the other stuff. But it might involve less money, to keep the tone of the different parties in the same ballpark.

What does that mean? Does you daughter know that she will get less of a wedding and reception if she marries down?

PP here: I just think that weddings should strike a balance so that one family isn’t making another family look poor or cheap. So if she marries someone from a family not wanting to pay for expensive festivities we would downscale/downsize the wedding/reception. It’s not like we’re rich: we probably spent beyond our comfort zone on the sons’ weddings, but felt that it wasn’t fair for the brides’ families to bear the brunt of the expenses.

That's fair and sensitive. Thank you for taking the time to explain.

[Anonymous]

I think there’s a distinction between hosting the wedding, and contributing financially or fully funding a wedding.

My parents hosted my wedding- with our input, but it was at their church, reception at their club, etc..

My in laws fully hosted a rehearsal dinner.

I can see parents being willing to host a wedding, but not being willing to fund or contribute to a wedding they otherwise have nothing to do with. Barring that, I think parents should try to treat kids equally and within their means. They may have planned for the daughter’s wedding expense and not the sons and didn’t want to pull $ from retirement to fund a wedding in the bride’s hometown.

[Anonymous]

DH and I paid for our own wedding and his parents paid for his sisters. It is what it is.

I'll give my kids equal amounts. I don't agree with someone paying for an entire wedding. I think the most parents should pay is 50% and I think both sets should contribute.

[Anonymous]

i don't know *anyone* with a boy that has contributed the same amount for their son's wedding as they spent for their daughter's wedding.

the groom's side traditionally pays for a handful of things. the handful of things has expanded in more recent years. i don't think the groom's parents usually even pay for the expanded list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.

If her ILs were wealthy and could have paid, why did they not? Didn't they love their son as much and want to celebrate his marriage? Clearly not. I doubt OP would be holding a grudge if her ILs could not afford to fund their wedding. ILs favor their daughter over their son.

That said, OP, I get it. However, we did put our wedding partially on our credit card, had a buffet lunch instead of a sitdown dinner and no other events except a meal after the rehearsal paid by my ILs. It was hard to see my ILs give SIL a very expensive wedding five years later to a man that ended up ruining her and her kids' lives because of his instability (apparent when she married him). In retrospect, I don't regret the wedding but it would have put us on better financial footing to just have a small ceremony with my school's pastor in my hometown then the one in DH's to please his parents.

How wealthy could they be if their son took out loans for college?

Your wedding location and scale was your choice, if you paid for it.

It's the unequal treatment that rankles OP. Not putting their wedding on a credit card was a good decision and OP should try to focus on her success since she married her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it depends on if you want any kind of relationship with your son and his future children. It would be really hard to say that we paid for your sister and you get nothing and then expect him to be fine with that.

My ILs did this. My MiL was quite emphatic, "we already paid for your sister - that's how it works." This was an unsolicited comment. We didn't expect them to contribute - or that they would contribute - so we budgeted/planned accordingly. My parents made a very modest contribution as that's what they could afford. My MiL later made an offhand comment that the only people who should be listed on the invitation are the ones paying for the event. It was clear in her world that my parents' modest money didn't merit a mention.

I also think this may be generational and that my ILs would've handled it differently 30 years later - maybe still not have contributed, but not have been so vocal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i don't know *anyone* with a boy that has contributed the same amount for their son's wedding as they spent for their daughter's wedding.

the groom's side traditionally pays for a handful of things. the handful of things has expanded in more recent years. i don't think the groom's parents usually even pay for the expanded list.

How old are you? I work in an office overflowing with millennials and there are a number of them where the split is 30/30/30 - couple/bride's parents/groom's parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would only pay as much for one kid as I could reasonably afford to spend for all of my kids, gender doesn't figure in to the calculation for me.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:i don't know *anyone* with a boy that has contributed the same amount for their son's wedding as they spent for their daughter's wedding.

the groom's side traditionally pays for a handful of things. the handful of things has expanded in more recent years. i don't think the groom's parents usually even pay for the expanded list.

How old are you? I work in an office overflowing with millennials and there are a number of them where the split is 30/30/30 - couple/bride's parents/groom's parents.

+1. This is also my experience with millennial weddings.