If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?


Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.


LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.


You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.


I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.


I'm one of six kids and my parents gave us eaach $2K towards a wedding. We all paid for our own weddings (and without credit cards).

It's striking to me that you are hurt by them not paying for your wedding, but not your own parents, OP.

Why do you think your ILs should have paid for your wedding?


Why? because they had the means and paid for a big wedding for their other child. My parents didn't have money. Yes, at the time I just accepted it and opted for no wedding. Looking back, it was probably because ILs looked down on me and my family. You are very lucky that your parents gave you each an equal amount of 2k. Now imagine they gave one child 20k, and 0 to you, you would feel the same as I do. I would be grateful if my ILs gave us and their daughter an equal amount of any amount, be it $100 or $1k or whatever.
Anonymous
Your ILs sound very traditional.

It’s kind of sad you’re thinking about who paid for your wedding many years ago. You’ve had years of marriage and your relationship is now is what’s important. If you have a good relationship now and going forward with the ILs, be grateful for that. Wayyyy more important than the wedding.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?


Yes

We didn’t pay for 100% of anyone’s wedding. We cut the same cheque to each to use for their wedding
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s probably not a wedding, it’s probably a weekend with multiple expensive functions. We’ve had sons marry, and have an unmarried daughter. In the sons’ cases, we paid pretty equally with the brides’ families, but it involved zero contribution to the reception — just totally paying for other expensive shindigs over three days.

In the case of my daughter, we would pay for her wedding and reception, but not contribute to the other stuff. But it might involve less money, to keep the tone of the different parties in the same ballpark.


What does that mean? Does you daughter know that she will get less of a wedding and reception if she marries down?


PP here: I just think that weddings should strike a balance so that one family isn’t making another family look poor or cheap. So if she marries someone from a family not wanting to pay for expensive festivities we would downscale/downsize the wedding/reception. It’s not like we’re rich: we probably spent beyond our comfort zone on the sons’ weddings, but felt that it wasn’t fair for the brides’ families to bear the brunt of the expenses.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.


If her ILs were wealthy and could have paid, why did they not? Didn't they love their son as much and want to celebrate his marriage? Clearly not. I doubt OP would be holding a grudge if her ILs could not afford to fund their wedding. ILs favor their daughter over their son.

That said, OP, I get it. However, we did put our wedding partially on our credit card, had a buffet lunch instead of a sitdown dinner and no other events except a meal after the rehearsal paid by my ILs. It was hard to see my ILs give SIL a very expensive wedding five years later to a man that ended up ruining her and her kids' lives because of his instability (apparent when she married him). In retrospect, I don't regret the wedding but it would have put us on better financial footing to just have a small ceremony with my school's pastor in my hometown then the one in DH's to please his parents.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.


Wow, you sound like a horrible human being.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?


Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.


LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.


You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.


I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.


I'm one of six kids and my parents gave us eaach $2K towards a wedding. We all paid for our own weddings (and without credit cards).

It's striking to me that you are hurt by them not paying for your wedding, but not your own parents, OP.

Why do you think your ILs should have paid for your wedding?


Why? because they had the means and paid for a big wedding for their other child. My parents didn't have money. Yes, at the time I just accepted it and opted for no wedding. Looking back, it was probably because ILs looked down on me and my family. You are very lucky that your parents gave you each an equal amount of 2k. Now imagine they gave one child 20k, and 0 to you, you would feel the same as I do. I would be grateful if my ILs gave us and their daughter an equal amount of any amount, be it $100 or $1k or whatever.


You let your parents off the hook pretty easily. How do you know that your ILs had money? My guess is that they didn't have as much as you seem to think, if they didn't pay for their son's education and instead had him take out loans. They valued a wedding for their daughter over a debt-free education for their son. Not a choice I would make, but their choice to make. Maybe they went into debt for the wedding.

Your example isn't accurate because you are not your ILs' child. You are an in-law. Your husband could have brought it up at the time, and presumably didn't.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.


If her ILs were wealthy and could have paid, why did they not? Didn't they love their son as much and want to celebrate his marriage? Clearly not. I doubt OP would be holding a grudge if her ILs could not afford to fund their wedding. ILs favor their daughter over their son.

That said, OP, I get it. However, we did put our wedding partially on our credit card, had a buffet lunch instead of a sitdown dinner and no other events except a meal after the rehearsal paid by my ILs. It was hard to see my ILs give SIL a very expensive wedding five years later to a man that ended up ruining her and her kids' lives because of his instability (apparent when she married him). In retrospect, I don't regret the wedding but it would have put us on better financial footing to just have a small ceremony with my school's pastor in my hometown then the one in DH's to please his parents.


How wealthy could they be if their son took out loans for college?

Your wedding location and scale was your choice, if you paid for it.
Anonymous
OP, if your ILs paid for your wedding, would you be okay with them making all/most of the decisions?

Did you attend SIL's wedding? Do you know who attended and who planned (like if it was SIL and MIL making joint decisions). By the way, isn't it a good thing that SIL chose the $3k vendor instead of the $20k vendor? How is that something to be salty about after all these years?

You're counting other people's money. If your DH is/was upset about this, or wished he could afford a wedding, I can see your point. Otherwise, I find it hard to emphathize.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP, if your ILs paid for your wedding, would you be okay with them making all/most of the decisions?

Did you attend SIL's wedding? Do you know who attended and who planned (like if it was SIL and MIL making joint decisions). By the way, isn't it a good thing that SIL chose the $3k vendor instead of the $20k vendor? How is that something to be salty about after all these years?

You're counting other people's money. If your DH is/was upset about this, or wished he could afford a wedding, I can see your point. Otherwise, I find it hard to emphathize.


+1

OP, you are fixated on money that was never yours to begin with. You believe you were entitled to money that belongs to other people.

Move on.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?


Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.


LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.


You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.


I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.


I'm one of six kids and my parents gave us eaach $2K towards a wedding. We all paid for our own weddings (and without credit cards).

It's striking to me that you are hurt by them not paying for your wedding, but not your own parents, OP.

Why do you think your ILs should have paid for your wedding?


Why? because they had the means and paid for a big wedding for their other child. My parents didn't have money. Yes, at the time I just accepted it and opted for no wedding. Looking back, it was probably because ILs looked down on me and my family. You are very lucky that your parents gave you each an equal amount of 2k. Now imagine they gave one child 20k, and 0 to you, you would feel the same as I do. I would be grateful if my ILs gave us and their daughter an equal amount of any amount, be it $100 or $1k or whatever.


You let your parents off the hook pretty easily. How do you know that your ILs had money? My guess is that they didn't have as much as you seem to think, if they didn't pay for their son's education and instead had him take out loans. They valued a wedding for their daughter over a debt-free education for their son. Not a choice I would make, but their choice to make. Maybe they went into debt for the wedding.

Your example isn't accurate because you are not your ILs' child. You are an in-law. Your husband could have brought it up at the time, and presumably didn't.


You don't know what you are talking about. Yes, I am sure they had money to pay for a nice wedding, their holiday budget every year is enough to cover any wedding, it's not hard to see the lux items they buy in the name of xmas. The son had students loans. Not sure about the daughter but my guess is she didn't have student loans, but I don't care about that. Again, choices have consequences. And even though I am not their child, I can still have feelings about it and I sure have the rights to vent on DCUM while protecting their identity. I am not letting my parents off the hook, they gave me everything they had, and they didn't give one child a big wedding but refused to pay for the other child's.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Your ILs sound very traditional.

It’s kind of sad you’re thinking about who paid for your wedding many years ago. You’ve had years of marriage and your relationship is now is what’s important. If you have a good relationship now and going forward with the ILs, be grateful for that. Wayyyy more important than the wedding.


This is true to an extent.

OP you should consider that your in-laws gave you the gift of freedom. If you don’t feel like getting together for thanksgiving feel free to decline. Offer whatever relationship you want on your terms with zero guilt.

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?


Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.


LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.


You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.


I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.


I'm one of six kids and my parents gave us eaach $2K towards a wedding. We all paid for our own weddings (and without credit cards).

It's striking to me that you are hurt by them not paying for your wedding, but not your own parents, OP.

Why do you think your ILs should have paid for your wedding?


Why? because they had the means and paid for a big wedding for their other child. My parents didn't have money. Yes, at the time I just accepted it and opted for no wedding. Looking back, it was probably because ILs looked down on me and my family. You are very lucky that your parents gave you each an equal amount of 2k. Now imagine they gave one child 20k, and 0 to you, you would feel the same as I do. I would be grateful if my ILs gave us and their daughter an equal amount of any amount, be it $100 or $1k or whatever.


You let your parents off the hook pretty easily. How do you know that your ILs had money? My guess is that they didn't have as much as you seem to think, if they didn't pay for their son's education and instead had him take out loans. They valued a wedding for their daughter over a debt-free education for their son. Not a choice I would make, but their choice to make. Maybe they went into debt for the wedding.

Your example isn't accurate because you are not your ILs' child. You are an in-law. Your husband could have brought it up at the time, and presumably didn't.


You don't know what you are talking about. Yes, I am sure they had money to pay for a nice wedding, their holiday budget every year is enough to cover any wedding, it's not hard to see the lux items they buy in the name of xmas. The son had students loans. Not sure about the daughter but my guess is she didn't have student loans, but I don't care about that. Again, choices have consequences. And even though I am not their child, I can still have feelings about it and I sure have the rights to vent on DCUM while protecting their identity. I am not letting my parents off the hook, they gave me everything they had, and they didn't give one child a big wedding but refused to pay for the other child's.


Your parents didn't pay for any wedding expenses.

Were you yourself not capable of paying for a wedding? That's what adults do - they pay for their own parties.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?


Are you a time traveler from the past? Did you pay for your son to go to college but not your daughter?

You should contribute equal amounts to all of your children for their weddings and/or towards the honeymoon, down payment etc, regardless of what the other parents choose to contribute or can afford.


LOL, OP here, and I am actually the daughter in law. The "son" and I have been married for years now, we didn't have a wedding because his parents wouldn't pay for anything and at the time we were both poor. Prior to my marriage, they paid everything for their daughter to have a big nice wedding, Don't know why but this has been on my mind recently, I am curious what others think.


You should feel grateful that you and your husband are now entitled to defer to your SIL to handle your in-laws elder care needs since that’s how a traditional family would operate.


I like your thinking! OP. I highly doubt that my inlaws think that way. Everyone who replied thinks parents should contribute equal amount to their kids' weddings. I don't know why my in laws refused to. They have been pretty nice to me over the years but the wedding thing still hurts me deeply t be honestly. I've always wanted a wedding and I will never have one. Looking back we should've just paid with a credit card.


I'm one of six kids and my parents gave us eaach $2K towards a wedding. We all paid for our own weddings (and without credit cards).

It's striking to me that you are hurt by them not paying for your wedding, but not your own parents, OP.

Why do you think your ILs should have paid for your wedding?


Why? because they had the means and paid for a big wedding for their other child. My parents didn't have money. Yes, at the time I just accepted it and opted for no wedding. Looking back, it was probably because ILs looked down on me and my family. You are very lucky that your parents gave you each an equal amount of 2k. Now imagine they gave one child 20k, and 0 to you, you would feel the same as I do. I would be grateful if my ILs gave us and their daughter an equal amount of any amount, be it $100 or $1k or whatever.


You let your parents off the hook pretty easily. How do you know that your ILs had money? My guess is that they didn't have as much as you seem to think, if they didn't pay for their son's education and instead had him take out loans. They valued a wedding for their daughter over a debt-free education for their son. Not a choice I would make, but their choice to make. Maybe they went into debt for the wedding.

Your example isn't accurate because you are not your ILs' child. You are an in-law. Your husband could have brought it up at the time, and presumably didn't.


You don't know what you are talking about. Yes, I am sure they had money to pay for a nice wedding, their holiday budget every year is enough to cover any wedding, it's not hard to see the lux items they buy in the name of xmas. The son had students loans. Not sure about the daughter but my guess is she didn't have student loans, but I don't care about that. Again, choices have consequences. And even though I am not their child, I can still have feelings about it and I sure have the rights to vent on DCUM while protecting their identity. I am not letting my parents off the hook, they gave me everything they had, and they didn't give one child a big wedding but refused to pay for the other child's.


If they have such wealth, it makes no sense that their son would have to go into debt for education.

They may well have big hats and no cattle.

Regardless, you are counting other people's money. Maybe you should earn some of your own, and spend it on a big party to celebrate your marriage.
Anonymous
We have set aside equal amounts of money for our son and daughter, to be given at the time of their weddings. It is up to them how they use it.
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