If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, would you help with son's wedding too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP said she has been married for years - so this happened years ago, and her ILs are probably boomers and they have a more traditional mindset. I was married in 1996 and my ILs did not contribute to our wedding costs at all and no one including me batted an eye about it.

Now I’m the mother of two sons in their 20s and of course I’ll share all of the costs of my sons’ weddings with the parents of my sons’ future spouses, or contribute as much as I can but in any event treat the matter the same regardless of whether my kids are sons or daughters.

It’s easier if you create a financial balance between the cost of day-before events and day-of events and then assign the day before to the groom and family and assign the day of to the bride and family. That gives autonomy to each side on each day because too many cooks spoil the broth and you don’t want the ill will that arises from interference and micromanaging. I think some of these brides/families want to have control over everything yet get a big contribution from the groom’s side. But money talks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Every kid gets $20k for wedding and 20k toward down payment. I encourage them to put it all toward down payment.

20k is 1995 prices for a wedding. 20k is a rounding error on a downpayment

Is that true? How much does a wedding cost? I had earmarked $25k for each kid and thought that sounded like plenty.

I looked this up recently because our children are approaching this age. Average US wedding costs $29,000. PP is just being a rude jerk.

USA- 30k was the average for 2022 ceremony and reception only- 117 guests. DC was 40k. Exclusions might be over 20k [rings, clothes, rehearsal dinner, any transport/hotel, brunch, honeymoon, etc]. Wedding planner? somewhat redundant if a venue has coordination staff/event planners, guidelines.
https://www.theknot.com/content/wedding-data-insights/real-weddings-study

Doesn't seem like weddings have evolved that much over the years despite all the complaining about conservative or boomer families refusing to pay their fair share. Why haven't wedding also evolved to be smaller, more streamlined, and without all the icky traditional trappings for modern couples? Brunch? Rings? Rehearsal dinner? The parties have just gotten bigger and more expensive and now the fights over who should ultimately foot the bill.

[Anonymous]

My wife and I had a big Catholic Wedding and reception with my in-laws paid for. My first marriage.

However, she had a Full Catholic annulment from a prior short relationship from a college boyfriend. Hence once annulled never married. Her parents did pay for that reception.

Her parents paid our wedding reception. It was a full church wedding with white gown, limos, beautiful catering hall and honeymoon in Hawaii and whole thing.

So parents can pay twice for one kid. I have seen it a few times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I would only pay as much for one kid as I could reasonably afford to spend for all of my kids, gender doesn't figure in to the calculation for me.

This. Set aside a specific equal amount for all children and let them choose what the spend it on. As the youngest daughter I used the money as a down payment for a house and had a small wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

No. In my mind it is not an apples to apples comparison. I am South Asian. In my culture, the bride's side hosts more events in the multi-day wedding. I am going to be spending more for my DD's wedding.

I am ok to throw a traditional wedding (of my choice and within my budget) for my daughter. I am also ok to throw a traditional wedding (of my choice and within my budget) for my son. What does "my choice" mean? It means that I play my part as the father of the bride or the father of the groom in a traditional wedding of my culture, and pay for the appropriate events and rituals of my culture based on my budget and sensibility. It also means that for both the weddings, I am able to invite all the guests and relatives I want and at the very least I will pay the per plate cost for my guests for the main wedding and reception. I will pay for all the traditional outfits for my DD and DS for the various events and I will select and buy the gifts for my guests and relatives. My DD will be given a lot more jewelry than I will give to my DIL.

If my kids want to have a wedding of their choice, they can pay for it. I will come as a guest. If I am allowed to invite all the guests and relatives of my choice, I will pay for the cost per plate of my guests. I will also write a generous check at the end of the wedding . However, if I am not allowed to invite and pay for my guests and relatives, I will attend as a guest and then write them a less generous check as a wedding gift.

Yes, I am using my money the way I want to for my kid's weddings. They can accept a Hindu Indian wedding for free or they can pay for a wedding they want by themselves.

Obviously, I will be spending more money as the father of the bride, because more events are hosted by the bride's side. But, even the minimum amount that I will spend for my son's wedding will be at least 5x more than what a typical American spends. No, I will not be bankrolling my DIL's desire to have a big fat wedding similar to my DD. If her family is unable to host the wedding events in a grand manner, then the wedding will be whatever they can host. It is their show. They need to marry off their daughter based on what they can afford.

I hope they show good financial sense and make good choices. If it is an Indian family, they would have saved for their children's wedding in the same way that they save for their kid's colleges.

[Anonymous]

The Indian wedding tradition won’t last long. Maybe another 20-25 years tops.

It makes no financial sense and is just a big waster of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.

This. A wedding is mainly about the bride and the bride parents pay for it - at least in my culture. In recent years, both sets of parents pay for the wedding or in some cases the bride and groom pay for the wedding.

+1
In recent years, I have found that couples in their late 20's and up are able to pay for their own wedding. I do agree that it is the bride that wants the wedding to be a certain way - so that is why the bride's family traditionally pays. I have been to over 20+ weddings, and I have never seen a groom that wants the wedding to be a certain way - that is not how it works.

Why are there so many of these posts, regarding who pays for the wedding? Of course demanding brides are going to chime in and state that they want someone else to pay for it (without saying as much)! I have recently seen a groom's parents pay for at least half the wedding - which seems outrageous to me. If you want a certain kind of wedding, and are old enough for "that kind of taste", you pay for that certain kind of wedding, not your parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Indian wedding tradition won’t last long. Maybe another 20-25 years tops.

It makes no financial sense and is just a big waster of time.

I don't think so - appearances are very important, in certain cultures.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Indian wedding tradition won’t last long. Maybe another 20-25 years tops.

It makes no financial sense and is just a big waster of time.

I disagree. In fact, over the last few decades, Indian wedding traditions have actually become even stronger and more commercialized. The reason is that in the US - Indian Americans have the highest median HHI and they also remain very connected with their country of origin where the economy is booming. Apart from the fact that the culture of expensive weddings always existed to enable transfer of wealth, now there is also the Bollywood and social media influence.

Cultural aspects of weddings incorporate what they value as a society - very well educated and established children, children marrying people from similar backgrounds, close knit family and a painstakingly cultivated large social and familial network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Indian wedding tradition won’t last long. Maybe another 20-25 years tops.

It makes no financial sense and is just a big waster of time.

I disagree. In fact, over the last few decades, Indian wedding traditions have actually become even stronger and more commercialized. The reason is that in the US - Indian Americans have the highest median HHI and they also remain very connected with their country of origin where the economy is booming. Apart from the fact that the culture of expensive weddings always existed to enable transfer of wealth, now there is also the Bollywood and social media influence.

Cultural aspects of weddings incorporate what they value as a society - very well educated and established children, children marrying people from similar backgrounds, close knit family and a painstakingly cultivated large social and familial network.

Indian people won’t always marry Indian people in the future. Similar to the 1900s when Irish, Italian, German, Jewish, Black, Spanish people only
Married within one race and religion and weddings served cultural food and both bride and groom same religion.

Plus the Indian wedding is silly and cheap to outsiders.

I say that as last one I went to was very expensive to brides parents as I know all the outfits they bought, all the related events. It was like a weeklong celebration. I show up with wife it is a Jain wedding, with no meat or alcohol and a buffet. It seems all the money spent none was geared towards the guests. I felt I got $5 bucks of rice and veggies could have went to Cava.

Oddly an orthodox Jewish wedding best wedding I went to! Although orthodox they did not make non Jewish guests eat kosher crap. Was like crazy crazy crazy good. I heard a $500k wedding and that was 1992!!

But overall Italians have best weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you paid for a big wedding for your daughter, and your son is marrying someone whose family cannot afford a wedding, would you help them with their wedding financially? Or just say no, let them either have no wedding or put it on their credit card?

We have a boy and a girl, and have put aside money for each of their weddings. So, yes, we will pay for both events

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.

This. A wedding is mainly about the bride and the bride parents pay for it - at least in my culture. In recent years, both sets of parents pay for the wedding or in some cases the bride and groom pay for the wedding.

+1
In recent years, I have found that couples in their late 20's and up are able to pay for their own wedding. I do agree that it is the bride that wants the wedding to be a certain way - so that is why the bride's family traditionally pays. I have been to over 20+ weddings, and I have never seen a groom that wants the wedding to be a certain way - that is not how it works.

Why are there so many of these posts, regarding who pays for the wedding? Of course demanding brides are going to chime in and state that they want someone else to pay for it (without saying as much)! I have recently seen a groom's parents pay for at least half the wedding - which seems outrageous to me. If you want a certain kind of wedding, and are old enough for "that kind of taste", you pay for that certain kind of wedding, not your parents!

Your age is showing. Brides and grooms care about weddings equally. They also care about taking leave when they have a child. Women even out earn men now. Your gendered assumptions belong in the 80s - with your views on weddings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP said she has been married for years - so this happened years ago, and her ILs are probably boomers and they have a more traditional mindset. I was married in 1996 and my ILs did not contribute to our wedding costs at all and no one including me batted an eye about it.

Now I’m the mother of two sons in their 20s and of course I’ll share all of the costs of my sons’ weddings with the parents of my sons’ future spouses, or contribute as much as I can but in any event treat the matter the same regardless of whether my kids are sons or daughters.

It’s easier if you create a financial balance between the cost of day-before events and day-of events and then assign the day before to the groom and family and assign the day of to the bride and family. That gives autonomy to each side on each day because too many cooks spoil the broth and you don’t want the ill will that arises from interference and micromanaging. I think some of these brides/families want to have control over everything yet get a big contribution from the groom’s side. But money talks.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't your parents pay for your wedding? It's sad you're still mad about this and jealous of your sister in law. Be mad at your broke parents if you want to be mad at someone.

This. A wedding is mainly about the bride and the bride parents pay for it - at least in my culture. In recent years, both sets of parents pay for the wedding or in some cases the bride and groom pay for the wedding.

+1
In recent years, I have found that couples in their late 20's and up are able to pay for their own wedding. I do agree that it is the bride that wants the wedding to be a certain way - so that is why the bride's family traditionally pays. I have been to over 20+ weddings, and I have never seen a groom that wants the wedding to be a certain way - that is not how it works.

Why are there so many of these posts, regarding who pays for the wedding? Of course demanding brides are going to chime in and state that they want someone else to pay for it (without saying as much)! I have recently seen a groom's parents pay for at least half the wedding - which seems outrageous to me. If you want a certain kind of wedding, and are old enough for "that kind of taste", you pay for that certain kind of wedding, not your parents!

Your age is showing. Brides and grooms care about weddings equally. They also care about taking leave when they have a child. Women even out earn men now. Your gendered assumptions belong in the 80s - with your views on weddings.

Disagree, having been to many weddings recently, and knowing many recent grooms. Keep slinging that mud - how's that working for ya?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The Indian wedding tradition won’t last long. Maybe another 20-25 years tops.

It makes no financial sense and is just a big waster of time.

I disagree. In fact, over the last few decades, Indian wedding traditions have actually become even stronger and more commercialized. The reason is that in the US - Indian Americans have the highest median HHI and they also remain very connected with their country of origin where the economy is booming. Apart from the fact that the culture of expensive weddings always existed to enable transfer of wealth, now there is also the Bollywood and social media influence.

Cultural aspects of weddings incorporate what they value as a society - very well educated and established children, children marrying people from similar backgrounds, close knit family and a painstakingly cultivated large social and familial network.

Indian people won’t always marry Indian people in the future. Similar to the 1900s when Irish, Italian, German, Jewish, Black, Spanish people only
Married within one race and religion and weddings served cultural food and both bride and groom same religion.

Plus the Indian wedding is silly and cheap to outsiders.

I say that as last one I went to was very expensive to brides parents as I know all the outfits they bought, all the related events. It was like a weeklong celebration. I show up with wife it is a Jain wedding, with no meat or alcohol and a buffet. It seems all the money spent none was geared towards the guests. I felt I got $5 bucks of rice and veggies could have went to Cava.

Oddly an orthodox Jewish wedding best wedding I went to! Although orthodox they did not make non Jewish guests eat kosher crap. Was like crazy crazy crazy good. I heard a $500k wedding and that was 1992!!

But overall Italians have best weddings.

It was a wedding invitation not summons you know. Indians serve the food they eat. Its petty to choose to go and then complain about the food.