Asked to be a witness in a custody dispute involving my son's kindergarten friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a witness, stick to facts, not opinions.
As in, when you were present, did the father arrive on time to drop off or pick up his child, did he feed his child at mealtimes, did he raise his voice, did you see him do X, Y, Z act on his child, did he insult his child with X, Y, Z words, did you see him drunk, use drugs or drive erratically, etc.

Very, very factual. No injection of opinion at all. The father will have to determine with his lawyer whether that's sufficient. You're not in a position to gush and say: "in all the years I've know Josh, he's been the best father that Larlo could ever ask for, blah blah blah...".

This. My DH was a witness in a friend's custody dispute. They're not going to ask you who you think is a better parent. Just your observations.

+2 highly agree.

I was also asked as a witness and before I said yes, I told him that I wrought like to know the type of questions his lawyer would ask.
His lawyer sat down with me and was extremely straight forward and factual in his questions (Did Tom pick up Logan on time, every time? Did Tom communicate efficiently enough for you? Was Tom a responsible driver when you went to the museum with your kids, etc).

His lawyer asked exactly ZERO questions in the genre of "Is Tom a good dad?" " Does Tom seem affectionate?" "Did Tom tell Logan I love you while in your presence?" etc.

It was all extremely straightforward and factual -- in fact, I was surprised at the lack of emotional questions involved.

[Anonymous]

* would, not wrought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not get involved here.

Surely there is someone else the dad can ask, who he knows better. You barely know them. If somehow he doesn’t have better witnesses to ask- ones he has known for longer- what does that tell you? Family friends, relatives? Neighbors? Babysitters or childcare providers? Maybe it says nothing. But seems strange enough to me that I would want no part of this. For all you know, he has been on his extra super-best dad behavior around you on purpose- for this reason. Easy to fool someone new, who he has only been around a few times. JMO.

Oh, stop.
You clearly know nothing about how these proceedings work, and it shows.

They're not asking for an analysis of the child/parent relationship, they're asking ONLY questions that are relevant to the witness and these questions are about as emotionally charged as writing out a grocery list, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should say ok unless you happen to ge super good friends with the mom and it would sever that friendship

Fwiw DD started at a new school in 4th and I met a new mom and heard some awful stuff about the dad. There was a protective order for a while etc. I formed an opinion ahead of time. Then I met the Dad and he’s great with his kid, super social with other parents, brings the kid to parties if it’s his weekend etc. I don’t k is the true story so I just do my best to get on with both of them.

Lady you never know what transpired in private. Many are good at masking. My ex could put on a father of the year show but he hit me and my kid repeatedly and screams insane abuse behind closed doors.

NP. And for me, the roles were reversed and my mom was the abusive one. And a prominent local physician. This was the 80s and my dad had no chance of winning custody but he also would not have had a tremendous amount of people he could have reached out to to help with being a character witness. And my mom lied a lot about my dad.

While it is true that men can be abusers and hide, it is also true that women can weaponize divorce for custody.

I'm not sure what I would do here OP but I would seriously consider it for sure. I think I would be willing at least to meet with the attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much, everybody, for your amazingly helpful thoughts. Yes, I need to bow out. I agree I probably shouldn't have been asked and placed in this awkward position.

I also feel a bit gross because what if the playdates that he recently initiated were opportunistically motivated?

I don't know. I feel bad for parents going through these things. Geez, they can get ugly.

I remember watching a family’s divorce in elementary school.

The dad traveled a ton and then out of the blue after radio silence Pk-2 started emailing back and texting groups of parents or teachers. Like suddenly he woke up and needed to pretend to know what was going on. Cheery messages gushing shallow thanks to teachers or parents. Asking for long playdates on the weekend out.

It was short lived. Just happened during the separation. Then went back to radio silence.

Funny, this is EXACTLY what my DH did during our separation. "Like suddenly he woke up and needed to pretend to know what was going on." He even starting using exclamation marks and thanking everyone, his messages sounded so off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I’d tell him to have his lawyer contact you. I’d meet with his lawyer on my schedule on my terms, I wouldn’t miss work, activities with kids, time with my spouse. You can also ask to meet with the judge hearing the case, judges after all are just people, they “put their pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us” to use an old expression. If I was told “The judge won’t talk to you” I’d go to the judges boss, I may even go to the media with it, reporters are hungry for stories. It’d not get a lot of press, but a little might be all you need. Don’t let people or situations intimidate you, certainly when you have done nothing wrong. I guarantee someone on here will come on and say this “isn’t done” or ‘can’t be done” but it can, the courthouse is open to the public, judges work for the public, you’re part of the public, you can talk to anybody you need to talk to. The same goes for the lawyer, which he’d better pay for, you want me to appear in court, under oath, I will be talking to your lawyer. If he misbehaves, you always have the guy’s ex-wife and her legal people to talk to, don’t forget that. You are in a strong position here, op. I don’t understand why you can’t see that. You have been asked by a party in a dispute to be a witness, you have every right to ask whatever questions you need. Remind everybody you were never married to the dad or his wife, you didn’t break up the marriage, the only reason you are here is because your kid plays with his kid. Say this often.. if it’s true. Is it?
This is what you do if you really do want to help the guy. Remind him you are helping, not guaranteeing he’ll like the outcome. Remind him this is a big deal and this is new for you. If you don’t like how he treats you, literally take it to the judge, the police, his ex, anybody you need to tell.
Btw, are you married? You don’t mention a spouse, where is he and what is his opinion? I’d ask the dad why *you* are asked, not you and your spouse.

Lastly, if you truly think his ex is correct in what she says, why the f**ck do you let your kid play with his? At 5, this is easy “Mom, can I see Johnny” “no, we were going to go play, then I need to go to the store, Thanksgiving is coming up, what special food should we get”? Real easy at 5 to keep your distance from this dad socially if that’s what you wanted to do.
Remember too, the person you don’t like today may be fine once whatever stressor has passed, and may turn out to be a real good friend. Take care of yourself first, make sure your own family is safe emotionally and physically, but I’d not be stressing about this. Personally, I’m stuck on your “I want to help the guy out” like he’s your little brother wanting a slice of pizza Mom already said no to” and your “What if it’s true, he’s a big bad scary man after all”. Which is it op? Do you want to date the guy if the hearing turns out how you want it to go? Of course you don’t know “what really happened”, the lawyers and judges don’t either and we pay them for their time in court. You aren’t as unique as you think and the courtroom will be full of people who truly don’t know what did or didn’t happen in that marriage or with those kids.

What in the world salad…

I quit reading after something about the judge's boss. Pp would be an awful witness - doesn't know when to shut up.

NP and seriously LOL'ing about asking to speak to the judge. There is a 0 chance of that ever happening regardless of how he puts his pants on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a witness, stick to facts, not opinions.
As in, when you were present, did the father arrive on time to drop off or pick up his child, did he feed his child at mealtimes, did he raise his voice, did you see him do X, Y, Z act on his child, did he insult his child with X, Y, Z words, did you see him drunk, use drugs or drive erratically, etc.

Very, very factual. No injection of opinion at all. The father will have to determine with his lawyer whether that's sufficient. You're not in a position to gush and say: "in all the years I've know Josh, he's been the best father that Larlo could ever ask for, blah blah blah...".

This. My DH was a witness in a friend's custody dispute. They're not going to ask you who you think is a better parent. Just your observations.

+2 highly agree.

I was also asked as a witness and before I said yes, I told him that I wrought like to know the type of questions his lawyer would ask.
His lawyer sat down with me and was extremely straight forward and factual in his questions (Did Tom pick up Logan on time, every time? Did Tom communicate efficiently enough for you? Was Tom a responsible driver when you went to the museum with your kids, etc).

His lawyer asked exactly ZERO questions in the genre of "Is Tom a good dad?" " Does Tom seem affectionate?" "Did Tom tell Logan I love you while in your presence?" etc.

It was all extremely straightforward and factual -- in fact, I was surprised at the lack of emotional questions involved.

Yup, bare minimum stuff, from one person, one snapshot in time. Doesn’t even ask if the parent talked much to anyone or the kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me many years ago! I cooperated because the mother asked me to be a character witness. It was awkward because I knew the father and on his weekends the kids frequently spent the night at my house. I did not want to make things awkward for my kids and his kids friendship, but I just answered honestly to all questions asked. They did prep me with what type of questions they would ask and I was fortunate that they did not ask anything that would put me into a weird situation.

So no one was told that during the Dads custody time weekends he had his son sleep over at friends’ houses?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks so much, everybody, for your amazingly helpful thoughts. Yes, I need to bow out. I agree I probably shouldn't have been asked and placed in this awkward position.

I also feel a bit gross because what if the playdates that he recently initiated were opportunistically motivated?

I don't know. I feel bad for parents going through these things. Geez, they can get ugly.

I remember watching a family’s divorce in elementary school.

The dad traveled a ton and then out of the blue after radio silence Pk-2 started emailing back and texting groups of parents or teachers. Like suddenly he woke up and needed to pretend to know what was going on. Cheery messages gushing shallow thanks to teachers or parents. Asking for long playdates on the weekend out.

It was short lived. Just happened during the separation. Then went back to radio silence.

Funny, this is EXACTLY what my DH did during our separation. "Like suddenly he woke up and needed to pretend to know what was going on." He even starting using exclamation marks and thanking everyone, his messages sounded so off.

My ex is doing tis right now to somehow make up for having moved three states away.

[Anonymous]

Yeah my ex literally sent me a text asking what my kid is wearing to dress down day today. Like he cares!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So last week the father of my son's good classmate/friend/playmate (they're both in K) sort of surprised me by asking me to be a character witness in the dad's and mom's heated custody dispute. The kids just met each other this year, so I've only seen the father interact with his kids a handful of times.

I feel between a rock and a hard place. I want to help the guy out, but I feel like I don't know him very well, and what if the various awful allegations the mother is raising are true?

What should I be thinking about here?

Tell his lawyer this. I think it's weird if you're equally friendly with both of them and hardly know him for him to use you as a character witness. That's for people who really know a party well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So last week the father of my son's good classmate/friend/playmate (they're both in K) sort of surprised me by asking me to be a character witness in the dad's and mom's heated custody dispute. The kids just met each other this year, so I've only seen the father interact with his kids a handful of times.

I feel between a rock and a hard place. I want to help the guy out, but I feel like I don't know him very well, and what if the various awful allegations the mother is raising are true?

What should I be thinking about here?

Answering questions honestly. His lawyer is going to want to talk to you before court. If you’re not able to answer as they want, they won’t use you.

Why can’t you say you don’t know him well enough, and would say that if called to testify.

Perhaps they just want you to say he showed up on time at pickup.

(But that sounds like weak testimony to me, unless she is disputing that fact).

[Anonymous]

I’d be willing to do it and only state what I know and not hypothesize. Odds are good that his lawyer will say that you are not a good witness because you know very little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not get involved here.

Surely there is someone else the dad can ask, who he knows better. You barely know them. If somehow he doesn’t have better witnesses to ask- ones he has known for longer- what does that tell you? Family friends, relatives? Neighbors? Babysitters or childcare providers? Maybe it says nothing. But seems strange enough to me that I would want no part of this. For all you know, he has been on his extra super-best dad behavior around you on purpose- for this reason. Easy to fool someone new, who he has only been around a few times. JMO.

Oh, stop.
You clearly know nothing about how these proceedings work, and it shows.

They're not asking for an analysis of the child/parent relationship, they're asking ONLY questions that are relevant to the witness and these questions are about as emotionally charged as writing out a grocery list, lol.

DP, not the poster to whom you're responding, but -- that's exactly why I wouldn't get involved. In OP's shoes, not knowing the guy other than "does he pick up and drop off on time" and other "grocery list questions," I would still say no. There is no way for OP to know if giving the guy even that much help is a good thing or a bad thing in the end. If it were someone I knew well enough that I wanted to ensure he was clearly seen as a solid, reliable parent? Yeah, I'd testify. But a relative stranger, when I don't know what kind of parent he is beyond those pickups and dropoffs etc.? Nope, I wouldn't do it. All the reliable logistical interactions in the world don't tell you if the person's a decent parent when he's alone with his kid.

[Anonymous]

“I haven’t known you very long. I’m willing to talk to your lawyer to see if I’m the best option.” The lawyer can scratch you if you’re uncomfortable