Asked to be a witness in a custody dispute involving my son's kindergarten friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are a witness, stick to facts, not opinions.
As in, when you were present, did the father arrive on time to drop off or pick up his child, did he feed his child at mealtimes, did he raise his voice, did you see him do X, Y, Z act on his child, did he insult his child with X, Y, Z words, did you see him drunk, use drugs or drive erratically, etc.

Very, very factual. No injection of opinion at all. The father will have to determine with his lawyer whether that's sufficient. You're not in a position to gush and say: "in all the years I've know Josh, he's been the best father that Larlo could ever ask for, blah blah blah...".

This. My DH was a witness in a friend's custody dispute. They're not going to ask you who you think is a better parent. Just your observations.

NP. The OP did say: "The kids just met each other this year, so I've only seen the father interact with his kids a handful of times." In those circumstances there's no way I'd be remotely comfortable with even giving "just" my "observations." I would feel I did not have enough real knowledge of him or his relationship with his kids based on that alone, and like OP, I'd be concerned that I likely don't know the full story on either side.

And to OP: I'd wonder why he asked a relatively new acquaintance to be a witness (parent of a kid's friend, who's seen dad "a handful of times" is, relatively speaking, just an acquaintance) to be a witness in something as important as a custody case.

I would say no to the request and as others noted, you do not need to give a reason. If this were someone you actually knew well and felt strongly about adding your testimony, that's one thing. But this is not that situation. Say no.

[Anonymous]

I did this for a man I knew and briefly dated before we each married other people. We each wound up separating and divorcing, his was a custody dispute. I was wary but did help him even though I had little real experience with his parenting, it was more of a character witness. It was fine, no complications no blowback.

[Anonymous]

I think it is totally bizarre that any parent (male or female) is asking someone they barely know to be a reference. Frankly, it doesn’t bode well. On the off chance my husband and I ever ended up in a custody dispute, we would each have a dozen or more people we could ask before “random mom of kid’s friend.”

I would have no interest in doing this. If actually subpoenaed, I would tell the truth. And part of the truth would be “I’ve only interacted with this person a handful of times.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a witness, stick to facts, not opinions.
As in, when you were present, did the father arrive on time to drop off or pick up his child, did he feed his child at mealtimes, did he raise his voice, did you see him do X, Y, Z act on his child, did he insult his child with X, Y, Z words, did you see him drunk, use drugs or drive erratically, etc.

Very, very factual. No injection of opinion at all. The father will have to determine with his lawyer whether that's sufficient. You're not in a position to gush and say: "in all the years I've know Josh, he's been the best father that Larlo could ever ask for, blah blah blah...".

This is what I did. Guy’s own lawyer blew it by attempting to lead me and then losing his temper when everything I said was bland.

[Anonymous]

A character witness is actually someone who knows the person's reputation in the community well enough to be able to testify as to that reputation.

Asking you about your personal knowledge of specific interactions with him is not the same thing.

Further, just because your personal interactions with him were innocuous does not allow you to form any conclusions about his interactions with his children or anyone else that you did not actually witness.

I would send him or his lawyer s brief letter stating that you have had only a few superficial interactions with him since he has moved into town and while those were unremarkable, that you do not know him well enough personally, nor do you have sufficient knowledge of his reputation in the community, if any, to be able to provide meaningful testimony other than as to your specific interactions with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a witness, stick to facts, not opinions.
As in, when you were present, did the father arrive on time to drop off or pick up his child, did he feed his child at mealtimes, did he raise his voice, did you see him do X, Y, Z act on his child, did he insult his child with X, Y, Z words, did you see him drunk, use drugs or drive erratically, etc.

Very, very factual. No injection of opinion at all. The father will have to determine with his lawyer whether that's sufficient. You're not in a position to gush and say: "in all the years I've know Josh, he's been the best father that Larlo could ever ask for, blah blah blah...".

OP you can't answer.any of the above. You don't know when the pickup times were that the parents agreed to. You don't know what the meal arrangements.were. you can't testify that you saw him drunk unless it was glaringly obvious and you actually saw him drink alcohol.

Factual means: "I saw him between 4-6 times at soccer games. I know him as one of the parents of my childs teammates. I may have said hello to him at these games or briefly exchanged pleasantries as I would with any other parent. I do not recall any specific conversations. I have no personal knowledge of what is going on between him and his spouse or within his family as other than the soccer games I have had no or minimal interactions with him. I have no personal information suggesting he is not a good parent, but the same is true as regards my lack of knowledge concerning the mom. I do not have sufficient knowledge of his character to meaningfully provide a character reference nor do I have sufficient knowledge as to his reputation in the community to be able to testify about that either."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should think about not getting involved. You do not need to provide a reason other than no.

Would you say that if the wife had asked?

If all other circumstances were the same, yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should think about not getting involved. You do not need to provide a reason other than no.

Would you say that if the wife had asked?

Why does their genitals matter? The answer is the same. Do not get involved. Say no. Provide no reason. Not that difficult…

Interesting. I would help a fellow parent out. It’s not hard to tell the truth.

Interesting. I don’t give a damn about “helping another parent out” when it’s someone I barely even know. I care about helping the CHILD out, and I (or you) would have no idea if I were actually doing that or not by agreeing to be a character witness for a near-stranger.

DP

[Anonymous]

I probably would but would be sure the lawyer knew exactly what I was going to say. I actually recently volunteered to do this for a dad I don’t know that well, but have only seen be a good dad. In part because the mom is acting in a really extreme way that seems unfair to me.

[Anonymous]

You don’t know him well enough to be helpful unless he’s refuting a specific claim like “he has never dropped larlo at school” or “he has never had contact with a single one of larlo’s classmates’ parents.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I probably would but would be sure the lawyer knew exactly what I was going to say. I actually recently volunteered to do this for a dad I don’t know that well, but have only seen be a good dad. In part because the mom is acting in a really extreme way that seems unfair to me.

"Do you know whether the Dad that you just praised as a great father in your sworn testimony, beats his wife and children?"

"No I don't know him that well. The only reason I volunteered is because I disapprove of his wife and he seems like a good guy."

"So then you aren't aware of the three visits to his home over the past year by the police because the neighbors complained of screaming and.shouting in the middle of the night?"

"No I didn't know about that."

"And you weren't aware that his wife filed a domestic violence complaint against him? Did he tell you that?"

"No he never mentioned that."

"So is it fair to say you really don't know him very well at all?"

"Yes that sounds about right."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I probably would but would be sure the lawyer knew exactly what I was going to say. I actually recently volunteered to do this for a dad I don’t know that well, but have only seen be a good dad. In part because the mom is acting in a really extreme way that seems unfair to me.

"Do you know whether the Dad that you just praised as a great father in your sworn testimony, beats his wife and children?"

"No I don't know him that well. The only reason I volunteered is because I disapprove of his wife and he seems like a good guy."

"So then you aren't aware of the three visits to his home over the past year by the police because the neighbors complained of screaming and.shouting in the middle of the night?"

"No I didn't know about that."

"And you weren't aware that his wife filed a domestic violence complaint against him? Did he tell you that?"

"No he never mentioned that."

"So is it fair to say you really don't know him very well at all?"

"Yes that sounds about right."

fine with me - I have no issue testifying truthfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should think about not getting involved. You do not need to provide a reason other than no.

Would you say that if the wife had asked?

Why does their genitals matter? The answer is the same. Do not get involved. Say no. Provide no reason. Not that difficult…

Interesting. I would help a fellow parent out. It’s not hard to tell the truth.

Interesting. I don’t give a damn about “helping another parent out” when it’s someone I barely even know. I care about helping the CHILD out, and I (or you) would have no idea if I were actually doing that or not by agreeing to be a character witness for a near-stranger.

DP

Thankfully there are still good people in this world. Unlike you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So last week the father of my son's good classmate/friend/playmate (they're both in K) sort of surprised me by asking me to be a character witness in the dad's and mom's heated custody dispute. The kids just met each other this year, so I've only seen the father interact with his kids a handful of times.

I feel between a rock and a hard place. I want to help the guy out, but I feel like I don't know him very well, and what if the various awful allegations the mother is raising are true?

What should I be thinking about here?

My DH and I were in a similar situation but used by both wife and husband allegedly to testify agianst one another as to parenting issues. We just refused. We called their respective lawyers and said "you don't want us to testify for your client because it will end up being against your client" (both parents were really a mess). end of matter. you don't have to do anything you don't want to do. The chances of a judge ordering you to appear are nil

[Anonymous]

I think you should say ok unless you happen to ge super good friends with the mom and it would sever that friendship

Fwiw DD started at a new school in 4th and I met a new mom and heard some awful stuff about the dad. There was a protective order for a while etc. I formed an opinion ahead of time. Then I met the Dad and he’s great with his kid, super social with other parents, brings the kid to parties if it’s his weekend etc. I don’t k is the true story so I just do my best to get on with both of them.