Parents of three, do you feel less bonded to your third?

[Anonymous]

It’s a matter of personality and age in my opinion. I am closest to my middle child and DH is probably closer to our third. While I can see the middle child being forgotten at times, in our case she has such a strong bubbly personality that it’s impossible.
In an away I think we have a good balance because both DH and I are close to our first.

The bottom line is that nobody has to become a second thought, but your time is limited and each child gets less as you keep adding more kids. I also believe that quality is a lot more important than quantity and a 15 minutes conversation can do a lot more than one afternoon spent at home watching tv or cleaning the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a 3rd. My brother was the oldest. My sister is 1.5 years younger and the two of the are close. I am 5 years younger than my sister. When my siblings went to college, I was still in middle school and ended up spending a lot of time with my parents. I hung around with my parents and their friends often on weekends and I learned our family tongue. My siblings can understand if we speak to them, but I am the only one that is fluent. I am also more bicultural for our family heritage than my siblings. That is one of the reasons that I am closest to my mom even though I'm a guy. My mother always thought she would be closest to her daughter and she is close, just closer with me because of the language and cultural ties. I also acquired my mother's love of cooking and that bonds us as well.

That said, my parents were amazing parents. They managed to convince all three of us that we were their favorites. My brother is the eldest first-born son, so from the family patriarchal heritage, he *KNOWS* he's their favorite. My sister is the only girl and she was always Daddy's girl and she KNOWS that she was my parents favorite. But I am their baby and the one that is culturally more like them and the one that speaks to them in their mother tongue, so I know that I'm the favorite. And, of course, I know that I'm right and they are wrong.

I love this! I hope my 3 kids all feel they are my favorite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom of 5 children and the answer is absolutely no! I world assume every parent with more than one child already knows this to be true.

I would be curious to know how your 5 kids view their individual relationships with you.

[Anonymous]

I have three kids and come from a large family myself. I don’t think you can make accurate generalizations about which kids have closest bonds with parents. I think it is entirely dependent on personalities and external circumstances.

For example, my daughter is the middle child and only girl, so she gets special attention for that. My youngest son has has some health struggles that lead to him getting a ton of attention. For this reason, I would say my eldest son probably gets the least attention from me, although I would also say he enjoys a special relationship with his dad because they both enjoy sports and his dad spent more time with him while I focused on the younger two.

[Anonymous]

In most families:

1st: used
2nd: ignored
3rd: spoiled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In most families:

1st: used
2nd: ignored
3rd: spoiled

What happens to the 3rd when there is a 4th? Do they also become ignored, even though they were previously spoiled?

[Anonymous]

No the youngest gets preferential treatment, the middle one gets lost in the shuffle and the oldest is expected to be overly mature or independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In most families:

1st: used
2nd: ignored
3rd: spoiled

What happens to the 3rd when there is a 4th? Do they also become ignored, even though they were previously spoiled?

This was the case in my family.

[Anonymous]

Ridiculous question, obviously asked by someone who has fewer than 3 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My bond to each is definitely different but of equal (and breathtakingly strong).

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

Maybe for you, but this is a generalization that does not account for ages, temperaments, etc. This question also wrongly presumes that a parent cannot be strongly bonded to three children. OP is a troll.

It's rare for parents to be equally bonded to all children, especially once you are in the 3+ category. It's ideal, but not that common. Some kids handle it better than others.

100% agree. I'm the eldest of 5 and pretty low maintenance. My mom is much closer with two of my siblings, one because they are very similar and one because he just needs a lot more from her. My mom and I love each other immensely, but she is absolutely not as closely bonded to all 5 of her children equally and that's fine, she's a great mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My bond to each is definitely different but of equal (and breathtakingly strong).

This!

Yup. They’re different people, so of course our bond is different - but all just strong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a mom of 5 children and the answer is absolutely no! I world assume every parent with more than one child already knows this to be true.

I would be curious to know how your 5 kids view their individual relationships with you.

Yep, I'm the eldest of 5 and there is no way for one mom to be equally bonded to 5 children, this doesn't mean you are a bad mother or they are neglected. Not all kids need the same thing (as I'm sure you know with 5 children) so why pretend that all bonds are equal.

[Anonymous]

Being the middle literally stopped me from creating one. My kids are 6 years apart, so same distance between oldest and youngest in my family of origin but without the middle.

Only way I would have had 3 is of the youngest were twins. That didn't happen. My oldest is responsible and independent. I do find I spoil the little one a bit more and she also is the jokester in the family. I do fancy dinner dates with the older so she also gets plenty of my attention and time. Never would I have a 3rd!!! Not enough time to do right by everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's the middle child you lose the bond with, if you had it to begin with. The baby is often the favorite, or the one you are most connected to. The middle loses their role.

As a parent of three, both my middle child and I would agree with this. I wouldn't say we lost the bond, but she rightfully feels like the stereotypical middle child at times.

It's incredibly common. It's about family roles and the need for children to have defines roles and a sense of belonging.

The first child is always the oldest and that position can never be threatened. Even when first children experience envy or jealousy of younger siblings, their role as the eldest is assured and it provides a sense of security. If you have 3+ kids, one of the most important things you can do is ensure any middle children have clearly defined roles and that their value to the family is clear. Many parents instinctively overlook middle children without really thinking about it or realizing they are doing it.

I think this is a key thing to think about for middle child bonding — the families I know where middle children are week adjusted generally have some sort of distinguishing feature, like the only of their gender or different interests then their siblings, or there’s a big age gap so it’s more like only/2 kid or 2 kid/only dynamics. Not to say it can’t work otherwise but it’s important to make sure that all your kids but especially middle kids know that you see them as special.

And OP, I get your question. I only have two and sometimes I still worry that my baby is not getting as much attention since my focus is inevitably split.