Anyone find being in their elderly parents’ home so painful?

[Anonymous]

I can relate, though at my parents' house, it's not just the noise-- cable news blasting anger over politics and the state of the world-- it's what some of the others have pointed out at their parents' homes-- how old and uncomfortable everything is, how everything is still stuck in the 1990s when my siblings and I left for college. Maybe some of the discomfort arises from the fact that my parents never moved on to a second act after retirement. They're pretty much the same stuck, miserable people they were 30 years ago. Same house, same furniture, same paint on the walls. My mother lies about the age of the mattress we use. It's obviously my and my sister's childhood beds pushed together into one larger bed for DH and me to use. The sheets are old and uncomfortable and dusty (and my mother lies that they're cleaned). And yes, we'd happily stay at a hotel but the closest hotel is half an hour away and very expensive. When we visit we try to keep it to 3-4 days at most, then get comments about why we can't stay longer.

[Anonymous]

OP, it’s 100% okay to come here and vent. But I do think the challenges you are facing are typical “circle of life” things that we have to work on and figure out solutions for Ola’s our parents age.

I encourage you to branch out of the surface level conversations and ask your parents about their childhoods/ memories.

Either prepare for 8am starts or stay at a hotel if you can’t be at your best with that start time.

Sometimes we have to take the lead when our parents age to improve the relationship and make sacrifices for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife visited her mother halfway across the country for a week every month. She was extremely hard of hearing and legally blind. She died at 95 in assisted living in the late spring of 2020 after they closed off the facility to visitors because of Covid.

She still misses her every day.

You’re a shrew, OP.

Oh, give it a rest. Everyone can vent here. You don’t know OP’s whole situation.

She complains about being disturbed at 8 am. So, yea, that’s all I need to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife visited her mother halfway across the country for a week every month. She was extremely hard of hearing and legally blind. She died at 95 in assisted living in the late spring of 2020 after they closed off the facility to visitors because of Covid.

She still misses her every day.

You’re a shrew, OP.

And your wife worshiped the ground that her mother walked on? Doubt it.

Actually, yes, she did. And the woman deserved it. Not all woman are as nasty as DCUM women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not painful emotionally, like I feel bad for them. And yes, I am thankful they are still around, blah blah blah.

Painful, like they are SO LOUD first thing in the morning.

Father talking loudly on his phone to who knows at 8AM.

Mother starting to warm things up for lunch starting 8AM.

Them wanting to be around me but only having surface-level conversations.

Been here less than 24 hours and I am ready to go to my home.

My parents are elderly and it's not like this at all. The only thing would probably be the loud tv, but they wear headphones if they need to watch something when we are around, because they know they need the volume up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate, though at my parents' house, it's not just the noise-- cable news blasting anger over politics and the state of the world-- it's what some of the others have pointed out at their parents' homes-- how old and uncomfortable everything is, how everything is still stuck in the 1990s when my siblings and I left for college. Maybe some of the discomfort arises from the fact that my parents never moved on to a second act after retirement. They're pretty much the same stuck, miserable people they were 30 years ago. Same house, same furniture, same paint on the walls. My mother lies about the age of the mattress we use. It's obviously my and my sister's childhood beds pushed together into one larger bed for DH and me to use. The sheets are old and uncomfortable and dusty (and my mother lies that they're cleaned). And yes, we'd happily stay at a hotel but the closest hotel is half an hour away and very expensive. When we visit we try to keep it to 3-4 days at most, then get comments about why we can't stay longer.

Have you asked your mom if you could buy a new mattress and sheets for the bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult, aren’t you? 8am is not 6 am. What time do you need to sleep in until? I’m hardly old but by 8 am I’ve had a long chat with my best friend, and done a good chunk of the housework for the day.

Suuurrreeee . . .

NP. I agree with PP. What are you doing with your life that you aren’t fully awake and functional by 8:00?

NP nothing good happens before 8am. I trained my kids from about 3 years old to be as quiet as a mouse in the morning. They color, play silently and then we party when parents wake up.

Besides, it's a Saturday morning. I get waking up for work or school, but why do adults need to wake up on Saturdays?!

You sleep late when you’re hosting a houseguest like OP’s parents are?

NP here. When it's your adult child who knows where everything is and can help themselves to your food and drink, why not?

.

+1. My mom usually gets up around 11 am when we visit, because her sleep is messed up and she stays up very late. We get breakfast on our own, and she likes to come down and make lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate, though at my parents' house, it's not just the noise-- cable news blasting anger over politics and the state of the world-- it's what some of the others have pointed out at their parents' homes-- how old and uncomfortable everything is, how everything is still stuck in the 1990s when my siblings and I left for college. Maybe some of the discomfort arises from the fact that my parents never moved on to a second act after retirement. They're pretty much the same stuck, miserable people they were 30 years ago. Same house, same furniture, same paint on the walls. My mother lies about the age of the mattress we use. It's obviously my and my sister's childhood beds pushed together into one larger bed for DH and me to use. The sheets are old and uncomfortable and dusty (and my mother lies that they're cleaned). And yes, we'd happily stay at a hotel but the closest hotel is half an hour away and very expensive. When we visit we try to keep it to 3-4 days at most, then get comments about why we can't stay longer.

You will understand one day. Even if you don't now, try to be kind or you will have many regrets later in life. It may sound boring, but you will grow old, too.

[Anonymous]

My parents are elderly and up early (especially my dad) and my mom is hard of hearing. But (a) I am a morning person AND have toddlers so it’s really restful to visit somewhere I don’t have to keep the kids super quiet until 8am (sorry OP that’s my idea of when a normal morning should start), (b) my mother is the most soft spoken person imaginable so she doesn’t shout even when she’s not wearing her hearing aids, and (c) they both still want the me-time, possibly even more so than when I lived at home because they’re not used to interacting with people constantly since they’ve retired.

I do sympathize though, OP, in that it’s weird to come “home” and find it weirdly unrestful when you’re used to it being a place you can relax. And my parents have gotten really into sports since they have so much time on their hands which is just bizarre because they only ever loosely tracked cricket and hockey when I was growing up. Aging is a mystery. Anyway I hope your visit gets better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re an adult, aren’t you? 8am is not 6 am. What time do you need to sleep in until? I’m hardly old but by 8 am I’ve had a long chat with my best friend, and done a good chunk of the housework for the day.

Suuurrreeee . . .

NP. I agree with PP. What are you doing with your life that you aren’t fully awake and functional by 8:00?

NP nothing good happens before 8am. I trained my kids from about 3 years old to be as quiet as a mouse in the morning. They color, play silently and then we party when parents wake up.

Besides, it's a Saturday morning. I get waking up for work or school, but why do adults need to wake up on Saturdays?!

We don’t. Kids wake me up if needed. I’m catching up on living on sleep fumes all week. No need to seize the day at dawn (for me). Plus they - kids- love a little autonomy now and again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate, though at my parents' house, it's not just the noise-- cable news blasting anger over politics and the state of the world-- it's what some of the others have pointed out at their parents' homes-- how old and uncomfortable everything is, how everything is still stuck in the 1990s when my siblings and I left for college. Maybe some of the discomfort arises from the fact that my parents never moved on to a second act after retirement. They're pretty much the same stuck, miserable people they were 30 years ago. Same house, same furniture, same paint on the walls. My mother lies about the age of the mattress we use. It's obviously my and my sister's childhood beds pushed together into one larger bed for DH and me to use. The sheets are old and uncomfortable and dusty (and my mother lies that they're cleaned). And yes, we'd happily stay at a hotel but the closest hotel is half an hour away and very expensive. When we visit we try to keep it to 3-4 days at most, then get comments about why we can't stay longer.

We secretly bring our own sheets to mil and the kids have “car pillows”.

[Anonymous]

We take out the trash upon arrival. Nose blindness happens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate, though at my parents' house, it's not just the noise-- cable news blasting anger over politics and the state of the world-- it's what some of the others have pointed out at their parents' homes-- how old and uncomfortable everything is, how everything is still stuck in the 1990s when my siblings and I left for college. Maybe some of the discomfort arises from the fact that my parents never moved on to a second act after retirement. They're pretty much the same stuck, miserable people they were 30 years ago. Same house, same furniture, same paint on the walls. My mother lies about the age of the mattress we use. It's obviously my and my sister's childhood beds pushed together into one larger bed for DH and me to use. The sheets are old and uncomfortable and dusty (and my mother lies that they're cleaned). And yes, we'd happily stay at a hotel but the closest hotel is half an hour away and very expensive. When we visit we try to keep it to 3-4 days at most, then get comments about why we can't stay longer.

Wait, now that my kids have left the nest I have to swap out my house and all my furniture? Good to know.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I hate it. We are going for 36 hours next weekend and I booked a hotel. They don’t have a crib for our toddler, there’s one full bathroom for 5 adults and two children to share. It’s just not comfortable.

Of course, when I mentioned it, my mom is so disappointed and let me know it. How do you get over the guilt of this sort of thing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can relate, though at my parents' house, it's not just the noise-- cable news blasting anger over politics and the state of the world-- it's what some of the others have pointed out at their parents' homes-- how old and uncomfortable everything is, how everything is still stuck in the 1990s when my siblings and I left for college. Maybe some of the discomfort arises from the fact that my parents never moved on to a second act after retirement. They're pretty much the same stuck, miserable people they were 30 years ago. Same house, same furniture, same paint on the walls. My mother lies about the age of the mattress we use. It's obviously my and my sister's childhood beds pushed together into one larger bed for DH and me to use. The sheets are old and uncomfortable and dusty (and my mother lies that they're cleaned). And yes, we'd happily stay at a hotel but the closest hotel is half an hour away and very expensive. When we visit we try to keep it to 3-4 days at most, then get comments about why we can't stay longer.

That is just so rude and annoying, people wishing you could stay longer. What's wrong with them anyway???