Do only married men lack the ability to complete tasks? How do single men survive? Is every husband like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll conceded that men, on average, have more of a problem finishing these types of discrete tasks (buying 90% of the school supplies, but forgetting the rest).

But on the flip side, women, on average, have a problem finishing big picture tasks. DCUM is filled with women who went to well ranked colleges, top graduate programs, worked in one or two jobs for a total of 3-5 years, and then quit to stay home with babies. Basically, they put a good amount of effort into school and jobs - but only for ~2-3 years at a time. Which anyone who has a job knows means you barely skim the surface and can't really learn the ropes nor respond to any negative feedback to get better at it. It's just long enough for nothing to come back and bite you in the ass. And then they quit and spend the next 40 years on DCUM name dropping the law school they went to. Meanwhile, their DHs (and lots of other women) commit to 40+ years of stress of a single career to pay for everything. Not every woman. And not every man. But way more women than men don't "complete" their career trajectories and half ass it at the 80% mark, and let their DHs take over paying the bills.

Um, well, perhaps that's because they do the work of gestating and bearing children and then raising them and know that if they committed 100% to their careers then they'd essentially be doing 2 full time jobs.

[Anonymous]

OMG I feel like I wrote this post. What really hits home for me is the awe people have for my husband, when in reality, he's just being a parent! Why do we have such a low bar for dads?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll conceded that men, on average, have more of a problem finishing these types of discrete tasks (buying 90% of the school supplies, but forgetting the rest).

But on the flip side, women, on average, have a problem finishing big picture tasks. DCUM is filled with women who went to well ranked colleges, top graduate programs, worked in one or two jobs for a total of 3-5 years, and then quit to stay home with babies. Basically, they put a good amount of effort into school and jobs - but only for ~2-3 years at a time. Which anyone who has a job knows means you barely skim the surface and can't really learn the ropes nor respond to any negative feedback to get better at it. It's just long enough for nothing to come back and bite you in the ass. And then they quit and spend the next 40 years on DCUM name dropping the law school they went to. Meanwhile, their DHs (and lots of other women) commit to 40+ years of stress of a single career to pay for everything. Not every woman. And not every man. But way more women than men don't "complete" their career trajectories and half ass it at the 80% mark, and let their DHs take over paying the bills.

Um, well, perhaps that's because they do the work of gestating and bearing children and then raising them and know that if they committed 100% to their careers then they'd essentially be doing 2 full time jobs.

Okay, so then if you're the woman staying home, you can do all these discrete short tasks and let your DH handle the big picture ones. But don't complain that he's not doing the short term tasks then, if you've decided to divide up the work in this way and stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a man 100 percent of my wife’s chores are stuff I don’t care about or want to do.

I do it as that’s the deal.

They’re not your wife’s chores. They’re household chores that have to get done and you shouldn’t pat yourself on the back for doing them “as that’s the deal,” like you’re doing her a favor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a man 100 percent of my wife’s chores are stuff I don’t care about or want to do.

I do it as that’s the deal.

They’re not your wife’s chores. They’re household chores that have to get done and you shouldn’t pat yourself on the back for doing them “as that’s the deal,” like you’re doing her a favor.

So SAHMs get to do 1/2 chores while men also work 50 hours a week . Nice deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know the answer either. I stopped finishing things for him, but those things linger forever.

Examples:
He cooked dinner for us. The pan he burnt meat in it is still sitting dirty. It’s been 3 weeks.

I wash and fold most laundry. I asked him to put towels and sheet away. They have been sitting in the basket for two weeks and keep getting shoved in corners when guests come, and clean laundry gets piled on them because we have no more baskets. Now there are 4 “clean” baskets which I’m sure I’ll have to dump out and reward and refold to start the process over.

He used a cast iron pan and it’s been sitting by the sink dirty ever since. Maybe two weeks? Three weeks?

He emptied the shower to scrub it. There is still soap scum in shower but he never put the shampoo and other items back and it’s been a month. He seems to have resorted to using a travel shampoo he found in my cupboard, and swiped my kid’s kid shampoo to use as body soap.

Does anyone remember the "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode about the suitcase on the stairs? Ray came home from a work trip and left his suitcase on the stairs and Deborah refused to put it away for the umpteenth time, so it stayed there. Just one of the many ways that show spotlighted the joys of married life.

I'm surprised only one post so far has tried to use the ADHD excuse for DH ineptitude. Sorry, but there is no medical explanation for ignoring a filthy pan for days/weeks. It's just laziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know the answer either. I stopped finishing things for him, but those things linger forever.

Examples:
He cooked dinner for us. The pan he burnt meat in it is still sitting dirty. It’s been 3 weeks.

I wash and fold most laundry. I asked him to put towels and sheet away. They have been sitting in the basket for two weeks and keep getting shoved in corners when guests come, and clean laundry gets piled on them because we have no more baskets. Now there are 4 “clean” baskets which I’m sure I’ll have to dump out and reward and refold to start the process over.

He used a cast iron pan and it’s been sitting by the sink dirty ever since. Maybe two weeks? Three weeks?

He emptied the shower to scrub it. There is still soap scum in shower but he never put the shampoo and other items back and it’s been a month. He seems to have resorted to using a travel shampoo he found in my cupboard, and swiped my kid’s kid shampoo to use as body soap.

Does anyone remember the "Everybody Loves Raymond" episode about the suitcase on the stairs? Ray came home from a work trip and left his suitcase on the stairs and Deborah refused to put it away for the umpteenth time, so it stayed there. Just one of the many ways that show spotlighted the joys of married life.

I'm surprised only one post so far has tried to use the ADHD excuse for DH ineptitude. Sorry, but there is no medical explanation for ignoring a filthy pan for days/weeks. It's just laziness.

We got back from a trip 2 weeks ago. I dawdled but within three days or so unpacked my suitcase of my stuff and kid’s. DH’s suitcase is still sitting there blocking the front door. His wet swim gear has been festering in a plastic bag this whole time. Tempted to throw the ziplock out because it will probably be moldy right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh does a lot for the house and kids, but nothing seems ever done to completion. It seems to be the same (or even much less) with my friends husbands. People always tell me how thankful I should be for his effort, but it's hard when I'm still constantly getting the last puzzle pieces in.

Examples just from the last week:
-Kid had last day of camp and he picked her up, but didn't bring her Epi pen home so I had to go this morning and get it.
-He picked toddler up from in-home daycare on Friday, but didn't pay the lady so I had to go back and pay her.
-Said he was handling school orientation and put it on the calendar, but didn't actually log in and select time slots and now there's none left
-Went school supplies shopping but just defaulted to one of everything on the list when some multiples were needed (i.e. 2 boxes of Kleenex, 3 glue sticks)

I've been trying so hard over the years to not nag or micromanage, but dang I understand the wives that do everything themselves just so it gets done correctly the first time.

And yes, he's an exec at work, with 50+ people under him, manages tens of million dollars of budgets annually and highly regarded in his field.....but can't get the additional box of tissues ugh.

Honestly, he sounds a lot like me. Even down to the job. Does he have ADHD?

[Anonymous]

But we do help out our mistress

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think in general, these things sound like what a “typical” man will do.

Or not do actually.

Men just not are wired as us women are to go the full mile w/things - especially as they pertain to the house + children.

Of course, w/every generalization there is always an exception to the rule & I fully acknowledge this.

However for the most part, men just do not think of everything that a Female does.

->> Also, your husband has the luxury of knowing that what he doesn’t complete, that his wife will.

I mostly work with women so I'm trying to think if the men at the office are like this in their work life, not going the full mile. Certainly the one gay man I know is not, he's an amazingly diligent colleague.

What do other people say about their male colleagues?

My male colleagues- and I’ll invoke the same gay colleague exception as PP above- are great at coming up with an idea or assigning tasks, but not great at seeing big stuff through to completion. They are not great with seeing the idea/project to completion once it hits the stage past delegation and needs monitoring, reworking, or any sort of intervention to get it to the finish line. For example, a project milestone is in danger because a timeline slips? Male colleagues will notice the slip but won’t grasp the factors that are influencing the slip and get frustrated by the extra work and handholding that might be needed to get the project back on track. And this is when people of both genders have equal authority and seniority on a project, so don’t come at me with the “males are managers so they’re not supposed to bother with the details” stuff.

These same male colleagues who were quick to abdicate responsibility when things get messy are also quick to rejoin the team effort once the projects are ready to launch and/or considered successful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not giving him adequate directions. You have done these things before (or something similar) and know the drill. He is trying and you need to share what you have learned so his success is enabled.

After 20+ years, people should be expected to "know the drill." It doesn't have to be perfectly as I would do it and, even when our DC was a baby, I tried to let him figure things out. (He didn't want to bring extra diapers or a bottle? Well, that's going to suck for him in a few hours.) But sometimes, you have to do certain things, or remember certain things. And if I have to write it out, stick notes already, lead you by the nose, answer 10000000 questions about how to carry it out, it's just easier for me to do it. And yes, then I feel like I have another child and I've told him that.

This is a highly competent human in many parts of his life, including work where he is a supervisor. But the minute he walks through our door, he checks his brain at the threshold.

[Anonymous]

A lot of guys are like this - there's just something in the male brain I guess that is hard for them to multi-task when it comes to the kids I know of a rare few who are really good at it. Planning vacations, finding the right venues for events, etc. Usually it corresponds to a senior level management job of some sort whether an attorney or someone who works a lot with planning on a professional level. It's rarely the middle manager though.

I don't know what it is but I suspect it is just how the female/male minds work - I am able to fully plan out kids' stuff because I also happen to care enough to make it a good one. I think DH is more about rote tasks and part of him doesn't put the effort or energy into thinking too much about it beyond what I tell him to do!

He can cook really well however so from that perspective, I'm good with splitting responsibilities LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not giving him adequate directions. You have done these things before (or something similar) and know the drill. He is trying and you need to share what you have learned so his success is enabled.

After 20+ years, people should be expected to "know the drill." It doesn't have to be perfectly as I would do it and, even when our DC was a baby, I tried to let him figure things out. (He didn't want to bring extra diapers or a bottle? Well, that's going to suck for him in a few hours.) But sometimes, you have to do certain things, or remember certain things. And if I have to write it out, stick notes already, lead you by the nose, answer 10000000 questions about how to carry it out, it's just easier for me to do it. And yes, then I feel like I have another child and I've told him that.

This is a highly competent human in many parts of his life, including work where he is a supervisor. But the minute he walks through our door, he checks his brain at the threshold.

Yeah that’s stupid. No wife should have to give basic instructions for washing dishes or doing laundry or unpacking. As long as she isn’t being overly picky about HOW it’s done and assuming it’s done completely that is. Nobody taught me how to do this stuff I learned by doing or by googling stuff.

[Anonymous]

The person who makes the mistake needs to fix it. You have to ask for your epipens - they never remind you to take them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So when he defaults to weaponized incompetence, why do you step in and give him a pass? Why not say, “Oh, you forgot the epipen/payment/other half of the school supplies? That’s a bummer. When do you think you want to take care of it?”

Weaponized?

Yes, absolutely. Many men rely on weaponized incompetence to get out of things.