College kids and 'custody' schedule

[Anonymous]

I have a 10th grader and a freshman in college. While the freshman is home from college, she goes with her brother to their dads based on the custody schedule. She also will decide that she wants to be at dad's when it's not custody time and ask her brother if he wants to come along since she drives and he doesn't.

She's there now watching football with her dad while her brother is home with me.

[Anonymous]

It is painful, but once they are adults the custody schedule doesn’t apply. I remarried two years ago and they will not stay with me nd my DH. On some level, I get it. My XH still has the rooms he made for them in HS and I have many sterile guest rooms. But on another, it enrages me b/c I am all “But *I* am here!”

The long and the short of it is to accept and to make the most of the time you are with them when XH turns their rooms into something else, I may win in the end!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is painful, but once they are adults the custody schedule doesn’t apply. I remarried two years ago and they will not stay with me nd my DH. On some level, I get it. My XH still has the rooms he made for them in HS and I have many sterile guest rooms. But on another, it enrages me b/c I am all “But *I* am here!”

The long and the short of it is to accept and to make the most of the time you are with them when XH turns their rooms into something else, I may win in the end!

You got rid of your children's bedrooms when you remarried?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is painful, but once they are adults the custody schedule doesn’t apply. I remarried two years ago and they will not stay with me nd my DH. On some level, I get it. My XH still has the rooms he made for them in HS and I have many sterile guest rooms. But on another, it enrages me b/c I am all “But *I* am here!”

The long and the short of it is to accept and to make the most of the time you are with them when XH turns their rooms into something else, I may win in the end!

That's not what winning is.

I suggest it's not really about the rooms and maybe you should dig a little deeper into why they're boycotting overnights at your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are divorced and have a kid or kids in college as well as a kid or kids still at home, do the college kids follow the 'schedule' with the youngers during summer and holidays?

My 19yo has been home all summer (10 weeks so far) and has spent maybe a week to 10 days at his dad's house total. His siblings switch every 2 weeks. I am encouraging him to go spend time at his dads and he says ok but then doesn't really do it. His dad tells him he is always welcome at his house and leaves it at that. I think his dad is blaming me a little bit and also hurt at ds' seeming disinterest although I truly do not thing ds has any issue with his dad at all. It is inertia or something. If the shoe were on the other foot I would be telling ds that I would love for him to stay with me so please come and I would make him lots of food. Exh is being more passive though. I am sure I am overthinking this. But this is our first summer in this situation so figuring it out. Next summer he probably won't even be in town at all though.

Not having a home and moving weekly or biweekly to two different houses is one of the reasons why divorce is tough on kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are divorced and have a kid or kids in college as well as a kid or kids still at home, do the college kids follow the 'schedule' with the youngers during summer and holidays?

My 19yo has been home all summer (10 weeks so far) and has spent maybe a week to 10 days at his dad's house total. His siblings switch every 2 weeks. I am encouraging him to go spend time at his dads and he says ok but then doesn't really do it. His dad tells him he is always welcome at his house and leaves it at that. I think his dad is blaming me a little bit and also hurt at ds' seeming disinterest although I truly do not thing ds has any issue with his dad at all. It is inertia or something. If the shoe were on the other foot I would be telling ds that I would love for him to stay with me so please come and I would make him lots of food. Exh is being more passive though. I am sure I am overthinking this. But this is our first summer in this situation so figuring it out. Next summer he probably won't even be in town at all though.

Not a big deal at that age. There is no custody schedule. You can keep doing what you did at age 12 if you want. Communicate like adults. Plan ahead like adults. Everyone is an adult.

Otherwise focus on friends, internships, summer school, study abroad, networking. Not custody schedule people pleasing.