College kids and 'custody' schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

Did you miss the part where I said I support their choices regarding staying at their dad's? I also said they stayed there sometimes, so clearly I am supporting it. But, I'm not in charge of adults' relationships. Dc wants to spend time with Dad doing social things but Dad does not show interest. He was like that when we were married, to me and the kids, so that's not new behavior for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

Did you miss the part where I said I support their choices regarding staying at their dad's? I also said they stayed there sometimes, so clearly I am supporting it. But, I'm not in charge of adults' relationships. Dc wants to spend time with Dad doing social things but Dad does not show interest. He was like that when we were married, to me and the kids, so that's not new behavior for him.

Ignore that one OP. There's a very bitter poster who has the same response in every thread about custody or visitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

Why? At what age should your children be able to decide for themselves which parent, if any, they want to spend time with?

[Anonymous]

He is 19. No custody schedules for adults (unless I missed something).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

Silly, you say? The law would like to have a word.

[Anonymous]

I know two families whose college age kids switch with the younger ones.

But once the younger ones are in college, I doubt they will keep that up on summers/vacations.

[Anonymous]

Kid goes where they want.

Practically speaking that means about 70% at dad's and 30% at Mom's. That may be unusual, but Mom still tries to parent as if adult child were 10, and there's all kinds of emotional issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt a young adult would be willing to shuttle back and forth like that. It's a hassle and most people will stop doing it as soon as they get the chance. Especially if the relationship with Dad or with Dad's new family isn't very good.

If you've been telling yourself your kids don't mind the shuffle, this might be a reality check.

+1 bajillion

[Anonymous]

My teens have been exceptionally sloth-like this summer. I entirely understand a self-centered 19 year old not wanting to move around and not thinking AT ALL about the effect it has on other people.

[Anonymous]

I am 100% aware he did not love the back and forth. I was just curious how other families in the same situation handled this sort of thing.

[Anonymous]

I am an ACOD and always felt an obligation to make sure I visit each parent about equally. However, if they're not fully available during my time in town, that's on them-- I don't go to great lengths to work around their other plans. And there have been times that I've done less because I was uncomfortable with the dynamic at one house or another (like, my mom was constantly fighting with her boyfriend and I did not enjoy being present for their arguments).

Ultimately trying to force them into anything will backfire. They were not a signatory to the custody agreement, after all. With adult children, the relationship and time is voluntary on both sides.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am 100% aware he did not love the back and forth. I was just curious how other families in the same situation handled this sort of thing.

I think now that your child is older, it's time you stopped trying to manage this. Let your ex reap the consequences of their passivity and lack of motivation. It's no longer your responsibility. I would hate if my mother tried to nag me into having a better relationship with my father-- it's not something she can fix.

[Anonymous]

I think you run the risk of making your older child feel unwanted if you push this too hard. Yes, you used to get time with all the kids at your ex's house and you got a break, but the custody agreement has expired so you're not entitled to anything specific anymore.

[Anonymous]

Also, if however many years of this custody agreement didn't result in a good relationship between ACOD and your ex, then why would even more back-and-forth be helpful?

[Anonymous]

Who is paying?