College kids and 'custody' schedule
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
If you are divorced and have a kid or kids in college as well as a kid or kids still at home, do the college kids follow the 'schedule' with the youngers during summer and holidays?
My 19yo has been home all summer (10 weeks so far) and has spent maybe a week to 10 days at his dad's house total. His siblings switch every 2 weeks. I am encouraging him to go spend time at his dads and he says ok but then doesn't really do it. His dad tells him he is always welcome at his house and leaves it at that. I think his dad is blaming me a little bit and also hurt at ds' seeming disinterest although I truly do not thing ds has any issue with his dad at all. It is inertia or something. If the shoe were on the other foot I would be telling ds that I would love for him to stay with me so please come and I would make him lots of food. Exh is being more passive though. I am sure I am overthinking this. But this is our first summer in this situation so figuring it out. Next summer he probably won't even be in town at all though. |
Anonymous
|
He probably just doesn't feel like moving every two weeks. Sounds exhausting.
I'd just keep encouraging your kid to hang out with his dad. Does it have to be on the custody schedule? Maybe just encourage him to have dinner or lunch with him every week. Kid is 19. It doesn't have to be on any sort of "schedule". |
Anonymous
| Assuming Dad is not far away...I would just encourage 2 evenings a week or whatever feels right. I would not have him actually move. |
Anonymous
| I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants. |
Anonymous
I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly |
Anonymous
|
We're in this situation. Older 2 are in college and the youngest still in HS. Dad didn't engage with the kids when he had them--lots of parallel phone surfing. Now that there is no longer a custody schedule they just say no thanks.
Because I know DCUM will ask--no dad is not paying for college; no the kids do not know that I am paying for it on my own. The bigger issue is the younger one who sees that her siblings don't go and wants to know why she has to. |
Anonymous
| I'm an adult but I recall that I loosely followed the custody schedule when I was in college. I think my dad insisted, though. He wanted to hang out with me, cook me dinner, and watch bad tv. That was the difference. |
Anonymous
Agree with you for some matters, but “custody” is a legal agreement that ends at 18. our relationship with our adult children is voluntary on all parties’ part. So if they don’t want to go to the other parents house that is between them and that parent. I think it’s great to encourage as you have. But I would leave it there. |
Anonymous
| I think the custody schedule has always been hard on him and he just wants a break from it. |
Anonymous
| By the time my kids hit high school the rules fell apart due to work, sports, and other activities. They made their own schedule. If they don't want to be around you sooner or later they will have that option. |
Anonymous
|
He’s probably so happy that he is finally able to stop switching.
At 19 he can pick. When I was in college I kept my apartment at school and didn’t come home at all. It’s nice that he’s welcome at both your homes, but he doesn’t have to go to either, let alone both. |
Anonymous
| To be clear I know he doesn’t have to do anything he does not want to since he is over 18. I’m just talking about navigating the relationships and wondering if anyone has college kids who switch with their sibs. Thank you for the one who responded. |
Anonymous
Why? "Custody" schedules usually go to 18, and they are legally adults. Op you can encourage him to go, but he's likely tired of having a large part of his time determined by a judge, in a situation he was just part of. |
Anonymous
How old are the other kids? By 19, no. Job, girlfriend, other interests. Tired of the shuffle. Pop in to see dad once in a while but nothing on a schedule. Sometimes when the younger kids aren't there. |
Anonymous
|
I doubt a young adult would be willing to shuttle back and forth like that. It's a hassle and most people will stop doing it as soon as they get the chance. Especially if the relationship with Dad or with Dad's new family isn't very good.
If you've been telling yourself your kids don't mind the shuffle, this might be a reality check. |