College kids and 'custody' schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in this situation. Older 2 are in college and the youngest still in HS. Dad didn't engage with the kids when he had them--lots of parallel phone surfing. Now that there is no longer a custody schedule they just say no thanks.

Because I know DCUM will ask--no dad is not paying for college; no the kids do not know that I am paying for it on my own.

The bigger issue is the younger one who sees that her siblings don't go and wants to know why she has to.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe for a second that your kids don’t know who’s paying for college. I call bullshit.

[Anonymous]

I totally get that a 19 year old doesn’t feel like moving every two weeks. So OP why don’t you encourage him to spend the rest of the summer at dad’s?

[Anonymous]

My DH and I are both children of joint custody with siblings. Most of us revolted against joint custody living arrangements before HS ended and all did by college.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't insist on having him move back and forth but I'd highly encourage him to spend some meaningful time there while his siblings are there. Or he could do the opposite and have some lunches/dinners or go out with his dad on the opposite weeks. A ball game and some pizza nights aren't much to ask. That said, Dad should be doing the inviting too. Sending his son 3 dates of games and telling him to pick one is easy enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in this situation. Older 2 are in college and the youngest still in HS. Dad didn't engage with the kids when he had them--lots of parallel phone surfing. Now that there is no longer a custody schedule they just say no thanks.

Because I know DCUM will ask--no dad is not paying for college; no the kids do not know that I am paying for it on my own.

The bigger issue is the younger one who sees that her siblings don't go and wants to know why she has to.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe for a second that your kids don’t know who’s paying for college. I call bullshit.

No one cares.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s probably so happy that he is finally able to stop switching.

At 19 he can pick. When I was in college I kept my apartment at school and didn’t come home at all. It’s nice that he’s welcome at both your homes, but he doesn’t have to go to either, let alone both.

This is correct. When I was in college, my parents lived in different states. I actually preferred where my dad lived (in a city) so I spent more time visiting him than I did with my mom who, by that time, was remarried and had additional children. But ultimately I spent my summers as I wished- I lived in resort areas making money, I visited my college friends, I worked. I made time to see both parents, but it was nothing like the custody schedule we had before.

[Anonymous]

When his younger siblings are at their Dad's house, I'd insist he go over around the time camp is over for dinner a few nights out of the week.

I think it's ok to maybe have one home base and not need to move, but I am assuming this 19 year old can drive, has a car, and that your and your ex dont' live that far away from each other...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

Good parents don't give up because of that. Time to put on your grown up pants and be a good parent without needing "support". You can do it! All by yourself! Just like you go potty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

18 is adulthood according to the courts. You can't enforce a custody agreement once child is 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

Good parents don't give up because of that. Time to put on your grown up pants and be a good parent without needing "support". You can do it! All by yourself! Just like you go potty.

Its impossible as a parent to be parent without the other parent's support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

18 is adulthood according to the courts. You can't enforce a custody agreement once child is 18.

OP has a child who is under 18.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in this situation. Older 2 are in college and the youngest still in HS. Dad didn't engage with the kids when he had them--lots of parallel phone surfing. Now that there is no longer a custody schedule they just say no thanks.

Because I know DCUM will ask--no dad is not paying for college; no the kids do not know that I am paying for it on my own.

The bigger issue is the younger one who sees that her siblings don't go and wants to know why she has to.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe for a second that your kids don’t know who’s paying for college. I call bullshit.

No one cares.

Mom probably takes 100% credit for paying for everything when its paid out of child support money she pretends is her money, not money Dad provided to her for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

Good parents don't give up because of that. Time to put on your grown up pants and be a good parent without needing "support". You can do it! All by yourself! Just like you go potty.

Its impossible as a parent to be parent without the other parent's support.

Not after 18. You're both adults, have at it.