College kids and 'custody' schedule

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kid goes where they want.

Practically speaking that means about 70% at dad's and 30% at Mom's. That may be unusual, but Mom still tries to parent as if adult child were 10, and there's all kinds of emotional issues.

I met my husband when he was in college. By the time college hit, he stayed mostly at his dads and lived there for any extended time off. It was because he was left alone and treated as an adult, not as a little kid. His mom tried to micromanage a lot back then. No, they didn’t follow any custody agreement in college. He did what he wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is paying?

Me - op

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 100% aware he did not love the back and forth. I was just curious how other families in the same situation handled this sort of thing.

I think now that your child is older, it's time you stopped trying to manage this. Let your ex reap the consequences of their passivity and lack of motivation. It's no longer your responsibility. I would hate if my mother tried to nag me into having a better relationship with my father-- it's not something she can fix.

Yep. I haven't said anything else really since I posted this, aside from today asking if he had talked to him about this coming week since he leaves for college this week. He has barely spent any time with him the last 3 months and ex is being really passive about it. Very weird. It may be easier for ex to blame me for keeping ds from him than for him to make an effort, so whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 100% aware he did not love the back and forth. I was just curious how other families in the same situation handled this sort of thing.

I think now that your child is older, it's time you stopped trying to manage this. Let your ex reap the consequences of their passivity and lack of motivation. It's no longer your responsibility. I would hate if my mother tried to nag me into having a better relationship with my father-- it's not something she can fix.

Yep. I haven't said anything else really since I posted this, aside from today asking if he had talked to him about this coming week since he leaves for college this week. He has barely spent any time with him the last 3 months and ex is being really passive about it. Very weird. It may be easier for ex to blame me for keeping ds from him than for him to make an effort, so whatever.

There's your answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We're in this situation. Older 2 are in college and the youngest still in HS. Dad didn't engage with the kids when he had them--lots of parallel phone surfing. Now that there is no longer a custody schedule they just say no thanks.

Because I know DCUM will ask--no dad is not paying for college; no the kids do not know that I am paying for it on my own.

The bigger issue is the younger one who sees that her siblings don't go and wants to know why she has to.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe for a second that your kids don’t know who’s paying for college. I call bullshit.

NP. And so what if they do know that Dad is not paying for college? Mom has no obligation to hide that.

I was in a very similar position - 1 in college, 1 in HS. Very clear that Dad is not contributing in any way to college, but no-one makes a big deal about it. We just pay, cheerfully, as no one wants to make the kids feel bad. And yet, they clearly get that Dad could afford to contribute something, more easily than others who are, but chooses not to.

There was a custody schedule I followed, and asked the oldest to follow until the youngest was 18. Now that they are both 18, I don’t see it as my business to be involved in their relationship with their Dad. They see him when they want to see him. That amount turns out to be roughly proportional to the amount of time they feel he has invested in his relationship with them over the years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t force anything. Kid is 19, an adult. Let XDH and kid work it out. Maybe XDH needs to be more assertive. Let him figure out how best to communicate what he wants.

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

They ARE adults when they are 18 and no longer subject to a custody schedule.

OP, my situation is a bit different because the divorce was when older dc was 18-but I let dc know that they always have a home with me and I support whatever choice they made regarding staying at their dads. Dc did at first spend a few nights a week there, but now rarely does, they have a full time job now and life and I barely see them myself. Dc has expressed that they wish dad would do some social things with them, like go places, but he doesn't offer ever (which is his same m.o. from the marriage).

I'd just stay out of it and tell kid to communicate with ex about it and do what they feel best.

Dad probably gave up as you don’t support the relationship.

FFS, can we ease stop blaming women for everything in men’s life?

It is not up to a Mom to “support” the Dad’s relationship with kids. He is a grown person and can think and plan and invest in his relationship with his kids on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I know he doesn’t have to do anything he does not want to since he is over 18. I’m just talking about navigating the relationships and wondering if anyone has college kids who switch with their sibs. Thank you for the one who responded.

This might be worth a conversation with your ex and son - to ensure both understand that you are encouraging them spend time together. Maybe instead of switching houses, they could do a weekly dinner or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be clear I know he doesn’t have to do anything he does not want to since he is over 18. I’m just talking about navigating the relationships and wondering if anyone has college kids who switch with their sibs. Thank you for the one who responded.

This might be worth a conversation with your ex and son - to ensure both understand that you are encouraging them spend time together. Maybe instead of switching houses, they could do a weekly dinner or something.

Not the mom's problem to solve. They are both adults now and can schedule their own dinner without wifework.

[Anonymous]

I have seen somewhat of a same gender gravitation in some families where the sons end up spending more time with dad and the daughters more time with mom. Not a definitive thing but seems to often settle that way.

[Anonymous]

I think this "18 and you are an adult" approach is silly

Whelp, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but unfortunately for you, the law does not agree with yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're in this situation. Older 2 are in college and the youngest still in HS. Dad didn't engage with the kids when he had them--lots of parallel phone surfing. Now that there is no longer a custody schedule they just say no thanks.

Because I know DCUM will ask--no dad is not paying for college; no the kids do not know that I am paying for it on my own.

The bigger issue is the younger one who sees that her siblings don't go and wants to know why she has to.

I would make a point of telling them who is paying for college. Why hide it?

[Anonymous]

DS is a rising sophomore. No other kids go back-and-forth. Before DS went off to college, he was on an "every other week" schedule. Last year, we split the breaks between the two households. For some shorter breaks, he stayed either with me or with his dad and just visited with the other parent. For longer breaks, we split the time in chunk, e.g., first half of the winter break with his dad, the second half with me.

[Anonymous]

Re opening this thread any insights??? I am navigating this now for first time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re opening this thread any insights??? I am navigating this now for first time

My parents got divorced near the end of my freshman year of college. I went to my mom that first summer, my dad the second, and then got myself jobs and internships after that. I didn’t like feeling like I was choosing one parent over the other, and the arguments they had over holidays made me feel like they both felt stuck with me at times. Making my own plans took a lot of those conversations off the table and gave me some control in the situation too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re opening this thread any insights??? I am navigating this now for first time

My kids end up spending Xmas and Thanksgiving wherever has the most fun options, it’s fine as long as the parents don’t make a big deal out of it. My husband’s family goes all out for thanksgiving so he normally joins us there and heads to his dad’s the next day for Thanksgiving with them. His dad’s is more fun on Christmas- there are little kids over there- so he normally joins me a day or two after. It’s not a big deal, there’s nothing anywhere that says these holidays can’t be celebrated on a different day.