Parents being flippant about inheritance - is it a trend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I always tell my parents and my MIL that they should spend their money to enjoy their retirement, that they have earned the opportunity to travel and enjoy life and we value them being happy and fulfilled. And we mean it. I don't want our parents scrimping and saving in old age to leave us everything. What is the point of that? We are still young and working and smart with money. We had only the number of kids we could afford to raise and send to college without help, we live within our means and have a good life. I don't want my parents giving up something important to them to help us out.

BUT if they made jokes about spending it all so we couldn't have it, I would find that small-minded and offensive. Not because I feel entitled to the money, but because it's just a rude, weird thing to say. "Haha it's all mine and you can't have it" is childish and petty. It makes it sound like they resent having had kids and the money they spent on them. I would think less of them for this.

+1 this.

Money does strange things to people.

The dad sounds defensive because it’s his money and he doesn’t want anyone else to have their hooks in it. It’s possible the adult kids have disappointed him in some crucial way. We don’t know his side of the story.

[Anonymous]

Some people get paranoid and accusatory as they age, OP.

Don't engage about money in that regard. Parents who are saying they are spending it all are just trying to antagonize and make a point, none of it reflects well on them, and none of it will contribute to a positive legacy for them. Same with any favoritism in the family (which is almost always based on enabling and narcissism).

[Anonymous]

Can you be a little flippant and jokey with them? When you dad says, "well, you can't take it with you," I'd jokingly say, "I bet you're glad grandpa didn't feel that way."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents don’t have a penny to leave me but I’m self-made rich. I’m totally baffled by people who spend it all. How can you really think it’s “yours” when it was a generational gift?h

I hope my kids see it that way when they inherit from me.

They won’t. They will think that you were an atm machine made for their use.

Well I guess that’s why generation skipping trusts exist.

What? No. The point of generation skipping trusts is to benefit the grandchild AND the child while avoiding estate taxes. I’m not even sure this is a thing people still do, whether because of changes to the rules or the availability of dynasty trusts from Wyoming and such that have ridiculously long terms and stuff.

Anyway the point is not really to “skip” your kids, it’s to avoid estate taxes.

Well it’s the point for me.

I’m guessing you’re one of those people who gets mad when grandkids get direct gifts because you think your siblings with more kids are getting what’s yours.

What? No.

I actually am a grandchild. We have a family truest that does split each generation so I guess technically the more kids you have, the less they get. But in terms of gifts from grandparents, all the great grandkids are equal. Or I guess it depends on how much tuition they need but conceptually equal.

[Anonymous]

RVs with "We're spending our kids' inheritance" bumper stickers have been around for decades.

My parents lived very frugally when we were growing up, and they make it possible for us to graduate from college, grad school, and medical school debt-free. They helped my older siblings buy their first houses. They set up 529s for our kids.

The problem is that this seems to be a habit they can't break. I'm all for thrift, but the last time I talked to them, I heard about how well their investments are doing and how much money they'll be able to leave us. And also how frustrating it is that the wheel on the rollerator is sticking.

Guys, please spend some of my inheritance on a new walker.

[Anonymous]

I sat through a tax law retirement seminar and the presenter was urging her mother not to save money for her clearly wealthy kids, and the tax lawyer was telling her own kids that she intended to spend every cent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I expect to get flamed for this so let me say up front that I 100% understand that people have the right to do what they want with their money and that no one is obligated to leave an inheritance.

Even so, I am a little taken aback at my parents attitude, stated on several occasions, to spend it all and not leave anything behind. They are in a good financial position. That's fine, but the truth is that my parents can afford to think like this is because my paternal grandparents left several hundred thousand dollars to my father. It would have been more if my grandfather had ever been able to bring himself to gift money during his lifetime or set up a pass through trust. Half his estate went to the IRS. My grandfather talked about both of those options extensively with me (b/c I was a practicing lawyer at the time) but could never quite bring himself to do it because, according to my mother, he couldn't get over the thought that the grandkids would do something impulsive like buy a sports car. This was over 20 years ago when the estate tax limit was $1million. I think he couldn't really get over the fact that he had amassed that wealth and thus just pushed off the decision.

Is there something that happens in age that causes you to have weird attitudes about money and inheritance? My mother told some story about her friends who are also quite well off making some jab about their kids frittering away the money so they plan to spend it all. But they raised us, and none of us are profligate spenders or anything.

I don't feel like I'm owed anything and this question really isn't about money, but more about the attitude about it as people age.

If you truly believe that, you wouldn't have posted this thread. Your last line is pure BS and you know it. It is ALWAYS about the money.

x1000 PP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

OP here - and this is definitely part of it. My parents have a nice lifestyle, but not excessive in any way. They took us all on a really nice vacation this last year. We have a close relationship and always have. Which is why it's weird to hear my mom talking about "you can't take it with you." I'm wondering if it's more of a defense mechanism type response to thinking about downsizing and going into a continuing care type community.

[Anonymous]

My dad always says it's going to the church instead. He is self-made, my parents didn't inherit anything from their families. There wasn't enough to go around.

I live around plenty of people with generous parents who help with down payments, vacations, etc. I am expected in adulthood to pay whenever I see my parents, since they paid for me as a child. Am I expecting anything in an inheritance? No.....which is what it is.

[Anonymous]

I have no expectation of any money from my parents or DH’s parents. But then they are not buying sports cars!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

OP here - and this is definitely part of it. My parents have a nice lifestyle, but not excessive in any way. They took us all on a really nice vacation this last year. We have a close relationship and always have. Which is why it's weird to hear my mom talking about "you can't take it with you." I'm wondering if it's more of a defense mechanism type response to thinking about downsizing and going into a continuing care type community.

It’s because it’s NOT your money. Your mom likely knows you have your eyes on her money. Again, it’s not yours. Sometimes when someone senses a person is entitled they react strongly. My 6 year old acts entitled about fancy vacations. It makes me not want to take her anywhere nice.

Stop focusing on OPM. Other people’s money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people are just self-focused. Assume you and your siblings are all gainfully employed and no extenuating circumstances, your parents probably feel that they've earned it and deserve some indulgence.

It's fine as long as they're responsible about planning for their care so the money doesn't run out.

It is jarring to hear that from them though, b/c the underlying message is that they don't care about the kids that much.

OP here - and this is definitely part of it. My parents have a nice lifestyle, but not excessive in any way. They took us all on a really nice vacation this last year. We have a close relationship and always have. Which is why it's weird to hear my mom talking about "you can't take it with you." I'm wondering if it's more of a defense mechanism type response to thinking about downsizing and going into a continuing care type community.

It’s because it’s NOT your money. Your mom likely knows you have your eyes on her money. Again, it’s not yours. Sometimes when someone senses a person is entitled they react strongly. My 6 year old acts entitled about fancy vacations. It makes me not want to take her anywhere nice.

Stop focusing on OPM. Other people’s money.

Not OP, but you are projecting. OP is not asking her parents for money or asking about an inheritance. That is not the same as a 6 year old asking for fancy vacations.

I get it because my mother did this. My parents had plenty of money earned by dad and inherited by mom. I expected nothing. Mom still went out of her way to keep telling me they would not pay for things I did not ask for. We didn't want a wedding so we eloped. Mom had told me many times she would not pay a dime and I never asked. Then she was embarrassed and demanded she throw us a celebration after we were married. We didn't want it. She did it anyway and tried to shame us for all the money she spent on something we didn't want or ask for.

Mom went out of her way to list all the things she would not pay for over the years and it gets exhausting when again, you never brought it up.

Then as she got older and had the windfall from dad it got really bad and nasty. I never once brought it up, but every.single.conversation was about how "I have money" and I may just leave it to x, y, z or to a charity (she never gave the charities and mocked me for giving) or she will buy herself plastic surgery and mink coats. Whatever.It's gross to keep trying to flaunting the money and making it clear "It's my money and you can't have it." Keep your money and shut up about your money. At least your child is 6 and still learning. A grown up should understand it is rude, classless and disgusting to talk about all your money over and over and keep declaring "mine, mine,mine" when nobody asked. If my kid at age 2 said to another kid "I have a cookie and you don't....mine,mine, mine" I would take the darn cookie away and have a discussion about such rude behavior and I would look for books on kindness, empathy and generosity. If my kid continued to be so disgusting about flaunting what he has and trying to make other people feel jealous I would get help from a therapist to address such disgusting behavior.

[Anonymous]

I just tell her point-blank that you understand and agree that their money is theirs to do with as they please in their lifetime or afterwards, but that her constant digs are mean-spirited, and really detrimental to your relationship now. I’d tell her if she wants you to understand that they won’t be passing money down, there are much nicer ways to say it that don’t make her look vindictive.

[Anonymous]

It's a boomer thing. Some people will say it's selfish, but I think it's just a resetting of expectations of what it means to age.

When I was a kid, my grandparents were always available to babysit, and pretty much homebodies. Oh, they golfed and played bridge, got dinner with friends, and did the Florida snowbird thing, but they weren't taking big trips, eating out all the time, going to bars, hosting big parties, etc. We spent every NYE with them while my parents went out.

Now, I still stay home on NYE because my parents are still going out and not babysitting 😂 They just live differently , and they seem so much younger than my grandparents did at their age.They eat out, get cocktails, travel, etc. Basically, they're still living, which means they're spending a lot more money in their golden years.

So, unlike my parents, I don't have on-call, free babysitters and I don't expect to see a dime when they pass, but I actually think it's good. They worked hard for years and should enjoy this time. They gave me everything I needed to set myself up for success on my own. Will I ever be filthy rich? No. But I'm comfortable and looking forward to enjoying my own golden years once kids are grown and gone and I (hopefully) have some savings.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I've watched enough police procedurals to know that this is the sort of behavior that makes your kids set to work with pillow before their inheritance runs out and they have to say goodbye to the cabana boy"

"I'm imagining Detective Goren tilting his head and talking about petichial hemorrhaging"

"The good news for me is that Adrian Monk won't be traveling here for the case"

"I spent all morning picking out Speedos for Javier!"