Please help! Should elderly mom with dementia come on annual beach trip -- siblings disagree!
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Anonymous
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No. I am struggling with some memory loss issues and traveling is so, so difficult. Waking up is terrifying because I don’t remember where I am right away. In a new place, I don’t necessarily know how to work the sink, open the refrigerator, where the snacks are, if I’m unknowingly snacking on something meant for a meal for someone, and so on. It’s really embarrassing to be standing in front of the stove trying to figure out how to turn it on, you know? And then if you show me, I will probably forget again, which frustrates me too.
I much rather have my family visit me at my place. I know where things are and generally how things go. I have my familiar books I like to read and I like my familiar walking paths. |
Anonymous
Thank you for this candid explanation. I am really sorry for your difficulties and I hope that you are able to enjoy your life as much as possible! |
Anonymous
OMG no! Please tell me this is a troll. That is abuse. You only give some sedation of any kind even over the counter with a doctor's blessing and for a significant reason. Going to the beach-which could set off all kinds of issues-is not a reason to sedate someone. |
Anonymous
+1. Thank you for sharing this. |
Anonymous
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Any travel with an elderly person with even the beginnings of dementia- the entire focus of the trip should be completely about their needs. Their needs trump everything else. So if this type of trip isn't a trip you would deliberately plan for your mom (sounds like no) then no, it isn't a good idea to bring her.
Rather, which sibling is the one most tasked with taking care of mom? Who lives closest to DC and does all her care that is needed? The trip should especially be to give THAT person some relaxation, so they can better assist mom the rest of the year. |
Anonymous
| Another resounding no. My mom is early stages (memory, some word retrieval and a little confusion) and this much change in routine would be very very difficult. What you are proposing could cause a significant decline, increase in anxiety and confusion and won’t be enjoyable for anyone. |
Anonymous
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At my family member's memory care place they strongly discourage taking family members out even for just an overnight. If the visit goes super well, they often don't want to come back to the assisted living place. Then they have to transition them back to their routine again.
But to play the devil's advocate, if the sister suggesting this is the one who spends a lot of time with your mom and wants to give up her whole vacation to try it, then that is for her to decide. If I were her, I would try to do a weekend/overnight with mom at her place and see how that goes. Your mom sadly sounds like she probably needs constant supervision if she isn't in a safe environment. So you would probably want her to have a caregiver there 24/7 not just overnight to give you guys some relief. I also understand your sister wanting to give her one last trip, especially if she shoulders a lot of your mom's emotional support. It can be so hard to hear a family member with dementia say they are lonely, want to be with their family, want to go back to familiar/happy places, want to go home, are depressed, etc. Unfortunately, even if your mom does go on the trip she will likely not remember it and keep asking regardless. So if I were you, I would leave mom and home BUT THEN focus on what you can do for this sister to help her process the guilt -- meditation, yoga, massages, telling her you love her, letting her cry, and a lot of grief/caregiver fatigue focused stuff. |
Anonymous
| It would be kind to do an afternoon outing to a beach (Sandy Point, Colonial Beach). She does not need to go for 10 days! |
Anonymous
| Echoing what other posters have said: this won’t be enjoyable to her or you and may actually hasten her decline. |
Anonymous
I disagree. We found it best to stay close to her home at her home and do only very familiar things. A garden nearby is nice or someplace to feed ducks as long as you can get back to her home within 5-10 minutes if she needs her surroundings. I would not go too long a car ride away. |
Anonymous
| It’s great you are being thoughtful about this OP. I understand how some may want mom near. And that’s too long a ride and the change can be very frightening to her. My mom had dementia and lived in a nursing home. We took her out for a medical appointment and she was terrified and couldn’t speak to say this. It just overwhelmed her. |
Anonymous
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Have any of you cared for her long term before?
I took care of my grandfather for about a month when he developed Alzheimers around 78 or so, and even with me, my grandmother, and a night nurse it was almost impossible. |
Anonymous
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When my niece was married my older sister insisted on taking my mom on a plane to Cape Cod for a wedding. A complete disaster not to mention mom did not recognize the bride! They want to be around the familiar and it upsets them.
Doing a disservice. |
Anonymous
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OP, it really depends on the degree of dementia. My parents both have dementia. Four years ago they had dementia and I would have said yes, bring to beach. Now, no way. It depends.
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Anonymous
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This may be about being elderly and not necessarily dementia. Mom in assisted living. Btw, Mom a reasonable, low maintenance personality ~ we would plan something with her. An outing. Something she was looking forward to it, she was talking about it, telling everyone who would listen. Example: a day trip to see a friend of hers. Or a trip back to the family home on a lake on a beautiful afternoon. Didn't really what what the even was, it was her idea. All details would be worked out. Everyone on deck to make it as happy and stress free as possible. The morning of: she would be dressed, ready to go.
And then, she wouldn't go. She'd be adamant that she didn't want to go. And she wouldn't go. |