Please help! Should elderly mom with dementia come on annual beach trip -- siblings disagree!

[Anonymous]

Taking her would be selfish. It would be based on a fantasy that things would be like they used to, and that she would be upset not to join you.

Truth is, she would have no idea she missed the trip. And if she made the trip, there might be a few moments that go well but it would be disruptive to everyone, most of all her. Maybe you could have some toasts to her/stories about her one evening on your trip. So you're honoring good memories of her. But to take her is selfish and delusional.

[Anonymous]

No. If it’s important to you that your mother see the beach, some of you should take her to one of the local beaches for a day trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Taking her would be selfish. It would be based on a fantasy that things would be like they used to, and that she would be upset not to join you.

Truth is, she would have no idea she missed the trip. And if she made the trip, there might be a few moments that go well but it would be disruptive to everyone, most of all her. Maybe you could have some toasts to her/stories about her one evening on your trip. So you're honoring good memories of her. But to take her is selfish and delusional.

While I agree it’s a bad idea (and I posted earlier about not bringing my own mother who has dementia on trips anymore), your wording is a bit callous and harsh. Op is not selfish or delusional for considering this - it’s totally natural, and frankly selfless, to want to push ourselves to give our loved ones experiences that once brought them joy in these precious moments they have left. The sad reality is that, due to this disease, they wouldn’t experience it that way. People with dementia need their routines and small, safe environment to keep them stable and calm.

Sending strength to you, OP. These are hard times but you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. If it’s important to you that your mother see the beach, some of you should take her to one of the local beaches for a day trip.

This. The long trip is more than she can handle. Take her on a day trip and if that goes well you can do an overnight. But ten days is simply too much.

[Anonymous]

No way!

[Anonymous]

No. It’s unfair for her to disrupt her routine. This will be more confusing and stressful for her than fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. If it’s important to you that your mother see the beach, some of you should take her to one of the local beaches for a day trip.

This. The long trip is more than she can handle. Take her on a day trip and if that goes well you can do an overnight. But ten days is simply too much.

I would say take her on a day trip, and if that goes well, you can do another day trip.

OP's original post says, "She loves the beach and would love to sit on the deck and look out at the ocean. But she wouldn't be able to do anything beyond that." When I read that, I thought about how hard is it on everyone to watch someone we love lose so many parts of themselves. But I don't think OP's mother would love looking out at the ocean on the originally planned trip -- she'd be too stressed and anxious about being removed from familiar surroundings to enjoy the beach and the ocean.

It's wonderful that OP and her family are willing to work so hard to do something for their mother, but no amount of effort is going to make a 10-day trip enjoyable for her, let alone the rest of the people on the trip.

[Anonymous]

This was a similar disagreement in my family, but was it a for a funeral not a vacation. In hindsight, the people that were for it had good intentions. The people that were against it didn’t want to push too hard.

It was just a few days and did not go well. Main issue was the change routine and familiar settings that the patient is used to. Also, there was a lot more to their daily care than most people realize.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the consensus here. I would put a ton of effort into a wonderful half day or full day trip to a local resort/body of water for her. Comfortable car, any equipment, flexibility so you have nice weather.

But don’t stress her with such a long excursion. If you had to, I would have her in her own little studio with one dedicated person staying with her —not amidst the chaos in the big house.

[Anonymous]

I would get her doctor’s opinion and use that as part of your decision, if you haven’t decided against it already. Ask her doctor if this trip would do more good than harm in her present mental and overall condition. I’m guessing the doctor would advise against it if there’s a possibility of her becoming agitated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get her doctor’s opinion and use that as part of your decision, if you haven’t decided against it already. Ask her doctor if this trip would do more good than harm in her present mental and overall condition. I’m guessing the doctor would advise against it if there’s a possibility of her becoming agitated.

Absolutely check with her doctor! And I agree that at this stage, it would cause more harm than good.

If you all really want to get together with your mom, do something much shorter and close to where she lives in case it doesn't work.

[Anonymous]

My dad is in the very very early stages of dementia, and we just went out of town last weekend. He was in such a bad mood. The food was not right. The TV channels were not right. By the end of it he was so mean to everyone and that’s not his usual way of acting.

At this stage from what you’ve posted, a week away with lots of people sounds like a recipe for a very not good time.

[Anonymous]

No, don't do it. I created too many traumatic memories for my kids doing what I thought was right at the time. Better to use a vacation for what it's for good memories and replenishing. Then you will have more to give mom when you see her in her comfortable setting and there won't be resentment, stress and exhaustion.

[Anonymous]

This is so timely! My brother is coming into town with his family (we don’t see each other often) and wanted to take a few days at the beach for the kids to reconnect. We invited my mom who sounds very similar to yours but then talked it out with her. She loved the idea of the beach, thought she’d enjoy just sitting on the beach watching the water. But when we started talking logistics she realized she’d never physically be able to walk on the sand, she’s too unstable, and had no interest in a sand wheelchair. So she’d probably be at whatever house we rented hanging out by herself while we tried to do things and also accommodate time with her. She decided on her own that it was a bad idea, she’d be more comfortable where she is, and she gave her blessing for us to go do something. We did promise to spoil her with our time when we got back and fully plan to.

As much as it’s hard to leave them in their places overall it’s better for them. But the guilt is real.

[Anonymous]

It’s an annual trip. She had dementia last year and went (presumably). Was her break from routine traumatic? Everyone is advising not to take her this year as if a switch just flipped and she suddenly will be bereft without her normal routine — sounds self serving to me. Keep taking her on the annual trip until actual experience proves that it’s a mistake. Of course that day will come at some point.