Please help! Should elderly mom with dementia come on annual beach trip -- siblings disagree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s an annual trip. She had dementia last year and went (presumably). Was her break from routine traumatic? Everyone is advising not to take her this year as if a switch just flipped and she suddenly will be bereft without her normal routine — sounds self serving to me. Keep taking her on the annual trip until actual experience proves that it’s a mistake. Of course that day will come at some point.

I’m the PP with the FIL who recently passed of dementia. It sounds like you don’t have much or any experience with dementia. In fact many dementia patients worsen in step functions, not gradually. You really sound ignorant here.

[Anonymous]

No no no. My mom had dementia and is in a memory care facility. We don’t even take her out for birthdays or holiday gatherings because it is so terrifying for her. You need to manage your own guilt or issues around her no longer being able to participate in these things because ultimately you need to do what’s best for her and that’s probably leaving her in the most familiar environment she’s become accustomed to.

[Anonymous]

No...dementia and an unfamiliar home can mean bad falls, wandering away to go back "home", and panic attacks.

That's why doctors recommend that if you are going to move a parent with dementia, do it in the early stages because the move can be devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. OP, here. I'm really glad I posted. Thank you all for your honesty. I really appreciate the responses.

I agree this is a terrible idea. If it was a weekend at the Eastern Shore or Delaware it might be do-able.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s an annual trip. She had dementia last year and went (presumably). Was her break from routine traumatic? Everyone is advising not to take her this year as if a switch just flipped and she suddenly will be bereft without her normal routine — sounds self serving to me. Keep taking her on the annual trip until actual experience proves that it’s a mistake. Of course that day will come at some point.

To me, OP's post sounded self-serving (not intentionally) in that the family will feel guilty without Mom/Grandma there, so taking her would assuage that guilt so they can enjoy themselves (at least that's how they feel on the front end). I think the selfless approach here is to consider what's best for Mom/Grandma -- and also what's best for the rest of the family -- out of practicality, not out of guilt. I'm on Team Don't Take Her, because I don't think it's in her best interests to be taken out of her routine and taken to a strange place for 10 days, especially if the entire trip is not planned around her and she gets left behind while the kids are taken to the beach, for example. I'm also on Team Don't Take Her because life goes on, and the family deserves to have a fun vacation planned around what the adults and kids want to do. I think the better idea is to a) make sure someone visits her during the vacation, and b) see if it's feasible to plan a day trip around her that really focuses on what she would enjoy and what's within her current capacity.

[Anonymous]

Think about why people go on vacations--reconnect with loved ones, make memories, and relax away from your home environment. With dementia, you won't connect with people. In fact you might get paranoid, or combative. You can't make memories. So every moment you have no idea where you are. Imagine how scary that would be. And she won't be relaxed and nobody else will be either.

You desire to take her is coming from a great place. But as PP has mentioned, she no longer is the mom you know, she is a different person and you have to make decisions based on who she is now.

[Anonymous]

No Op. The guilt trip is to satisfy you and your siblings, it does not help your mother. Think of her. This will be too much disruption to her routine and care and IMO is cruel to do to her.

For reference, my grandmother had dementia and lived with us. I would never have done this to her.

[Anonymous]

No. Absolutely not. Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Leave her in her assisted living place and visit her afterwards with a few of your photos of your trip and a souvenir.

[Anonymous]

Is the beach house even equipped for someone with limited mobility?

[Anonymous]

Here is something I have learned using that whole bucket metaphor people throw around...we all have a certain size bucket that already has plenty of cracks and little holes from life's challenges and all the stress. If we don't have real vacations and real breaks and we decide to combine our breaks with our biggest stressors( e,g. challenging elderly parents/work calls/toxic frenemies or whatever) then instead of repairing the cracks and filling the bucket we create more holes and let me tell you that bucket could break completely or crack up. If you want to be able to be loving, kind and patient to your parent then you need to truly enjoy this vacation. Don't break the bucket!

[Anonymous]

Can you sedate her for the car ride and make it in one go without the stopover? That might help

[Anonymous]

F&ck no.

1) Strange places could result in extreme anxiety

2) I'm not going on vacation to wake up every 2 hours. Nope. Yoh won't find a night nurse in vacation towns either and I'm also not paying for that on tops of the beach house. Hard pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you sedate her for the car ride and make it in one go without the stopover? That might help

In addition to being illegal and unethical, this will be ineffective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you sedate her for the car ride and make it in one go without the stopover? That might help

You mean like melatonin gummies? Please don’t!