Thinking of bagging college for DD this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She says “no” she wants to go but shows no motivation when it is time to fill out forms or look for roommates. There is too much to do and I work and will not prod her on all
Of it. It’s too much for me.

She’s been a great student and is normally very responsible. I just think she isn’t thrilled and is suffering from depression. Her own personal makeup, a very stressful school year and admissions cycle have left her confused and depressed.

I am seeking help
For her but would like to
Just bag the entire thing and restart in a year.

Just want to start all over. I can’t see sending her in her present unmotivated state

Is it possible 3 weeks of R&R will restore her? If you think so, find a way to ease the administrative burden and revisit in a few weeks.

[Anonymous]

Hi Folks. Thank you all again. I am the OP. Crazy but I think just a week out of and away from her stressful high school environment has done wonders for her. Graduation is this week.

We have been moving in a forward direction. I have been giving her small goals. I have been telling her to do two things from her college checklist daily. The list must have 35 things on it. (OOS public) so lots to do, fill out, upload etc. we have looked at the course descriptions and she is getting g excited about some of the classes.

I agree that abandoning ship and taking a gap year for her would cause a loss in momentum. Not good. She needs the stimulation of school/ socialization too much

Still scheduled with dr though.

Yes. Someone described this funk as sort of paralysis. I agree I think the kids are so wiped out after a gazillion AP classes and challenging colkege admission cycles. Very tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I know MANY kids who are not jazzed about logging in to their university accounts and taking all the steps that are needed. This includes kids who didn't get their preferred schools and those who did.

Reasons have run the gamut:
- kid trying to enjoy senior year
- kid not motivated to do administrative tasks
- kid overwhelmed by the idea of moving (even if excited)
- kid not jazzed about option (even if it's a great one...which T25 is!)

Approaches do too:
- setting up appointment to sit down with kid, review the items (and importance), and set up a to do list
- doing absolutely nothing and assuming they will learn via natural consequences
- nudging the kid to take steps on their own

Unless she is expressing the desire to take a year off, I would not go that route. I would make sure her mental health is truly ok and let her know there is professional support now locally AND in the future at school - and that you are there for her

Remember that there are many reasons to be both excited and worried in this transition and everyone is different. What is exciting to one person may be stressful for another. You seem to be assuming her moon stems from the less-preferred college option but it could be something else (or a combo) like leaving friends, ending school, moving away, anxiety of a new place.

Helpful! Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Folks. Thank you all again. I am the OP. Crazy but I think just a week out of and away from her stressful high school environment has done wonders for her. Graduation is this week.

We have been moving in a forward direction. I have been giving her small goals. I have been telling her to do two things from her college checklist daily. The list must have 35 things on it. (OOS public) so lots to do, fill out, upload etc. we have looked at the course descriptions and she is getting g excited about some of the classes.

I agree that abandoning ship and taking a gap year for her would cause a loss in momentum. Not good. She needs the stimulation of school/ socialization too much

Still scheduled with dr though.

Yes. Someone described this funk as sort of paralysis. I agree I think the kids are so wiped out after a gazillion AP classes and challenging colkege admission cycles. Very tough.

I’ve been tracking this thread and PPed previously. I’m so glad for you and your DD OP! Hang in there and yes one step at a time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She says “no” she wants to go but shows no motivation when it is time to fill out forms or look for roommates. There is too much to do and I work and will not prod her on all
Of it. It’s too much for me.

She’s been a great student and is normally very responsible. I just think she isn’t thrilled and is suffering from depression. Her own personal makeup, a very stressful school year and admissions cycle have left her confused and depressed.

I am seeking help
For her but would like to
Just bag the entire thing and restart in a year.

Just want to start all over. I can’t see sending her in her present unmotivated state

You sound like you’re making this decision for her out of spite? To get back at her for being unmotivated? I would send her, and if it’s not a good fit she can transfer. She may perk up and love it. Being at home can be depressing.

[Anonymous]

Could there be anything like a romantic relationship or even one-sided crush that didn’t work out?

[Anonymous]

or an emotionally confusing sexual experience (aren't they all at that age ...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does your daughter want to study at college ?

Has she looked into theme housing ?

Seems like she was admitted either to U Michigan or to U Virginia. Hard for me to imagine an 18 year old who isn't excited about either school. Try to find something specific about the university that might be of interest to her.

Why? None of my teens would ever want to go there, and it has nothing to do with their ranking, but everything to do with fit.

Not one of those two schools.

The only public schools in the top 25 are Berkeley, UCLA, Michigan or UVA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Folks. Thank you all again. I am the OP. Crazy but I think just a week out of and away from her stressful high school environment has done wonders for her. Graduation is this week.

We have been moving in a forward direction. I have been giving her small goals. I have been telling her to do two things from her college checklist daily. The list must have 35 things on it. (OOS public) so lots to do, fill out, upload etc. we have looked at the course descriptions and she is getting g excited about some of the classes.

I agree that abandoning ship and taking a gap year for her would cause a loss in momentum. Not good. She needs the stimulation of school/ socialization too much

Still scheduled with dr though.

Yes. Someone described this funk as sort of paralysis. I agree I think the kids are so wiped out after a gazillion AP classes and challenging colkege admission cycles. Very tough.

Oh I'm so glad to hear you guys are back on track. I want to say I had to take a gap year (to improve grades) and it completely crushed my confidence, socially and academically. Unless there's a concrete plan in place on how to spend that year productively and in an exciting, positive way, it should be avoided at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Go with your gut, after having a very specific conversation with her about her options for the year and plans for the following. Defer if you can, in case a year of therapy, work, and whatever else make her more comfortable with the option she has now.
I speak from experience. Sent our daughter off to a very big school she became nervous about late in the process but still wanted to go to in spite of the anxiety. She wound up miserable for a year. Lost a ton of weight she didn't have to lose.
She is better physically and mentally but feels like she lost a year. And she is headed elsewhere to a much smaller school in the fall.
But definitely have a plan in place - even if it is therapy and Giant. There is nothing wrong with taking the time to grow up a little more and address whatever the underlying issues are.

[Anonymous]

OOS top 25? Sounds like Michigan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Folks. Thank you all again. I am the OP. Crazy but I think just a week out of and away from her stressful high school environment has done wonders for her. Graduation is this week.

We have been moving in a forward direction. I have been giving her small goals. I have been telling her to do two things from her college checklist daily. The list must have 35 things on it. (OOS public) so lots to do, fill out, upload etc. we have looked at the course descriptions and she is getting g excited about some of the classes.

I agree that abandoning ship and taking a gap year for her would cause a loss in momentum. Not good. She needs the stimulation of school/ socialization too much

Still scheduled with dr though.

Yes. Someone described this funk as sort of paralysis. I agree I think the kids are so wiped out after a gazillion AP classes and challenging colkege admission cycles. Very tough.

I think you're making the right decision. I was your daughter. I was completely burned out by the college application process and pressure cooker environment at my high school that I pretty much rebelled against it and shut down. I ended up choosing to attend a college I knew very little about; I had never visited or really seen pictures aside from the application brochure. My first day on campus ever was move in day. I was so unmotivated that I skipped orientation and didn't sign up for housing in advance. I had to stand in line for a dorm assignment in person when I got there. I went there thinking I'd transfer to where I "really" wanted to go later.

And it all worked out well and I stayed all 4 years. Just leaving home and being a part of this whole new world was what I needed to jolt me out of my torpor. Senior year of high school was awful and getting away from that was all it took.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Folks. Thank you all again. I am the OP. Crazy but I think just a week out of and away from her stressful high school environment has done wonders for her. Graduation is this week.

We have been moving in a forward direction. I have been giving her small goals. I have been telling her to do two things from her college checklist daily. The list must have 35 things on it. (OOS public) so lots to do, fill out, upload etc. we have looked at the course descriptions and she is getting g excited about some of the classes.

I agree that abandoning ship and taking a gap year for her would cause a loss in momentum. Not good. She needs the stimulation of school/ socialization too much

Still scheduled with dr though.

Yes. Someone described this funk as sort of paralysis. I agree I think the kids are so wiped out after a gazillion AP classes and challenging colkege admission cycles. Very tough.

I'm the go with your gut poster (9:16, I think). I had missed your response. Glad this is moving forward in a positive direction. Definitely get in with a doctor and possibly a therapist. Virtual appointments can work really well.
I think the last few years have been particularly tough on kids. I hope she has a great summer

[Anonymous]

Modern high school is exhausting. I am not surprised to see seniors completely exhausted. Look at life from her perspective. She worked, worked, worked for years, and how she is expected to do it all again for another 4 (or more) years of undergrad -- and potentially grad school. I also find many Gen Z high school kids are absolutely terrified of accumulating any student loan debt. Absolutely freaking terrified after the horror stories they have heard from Millennials 20 years older.

Ask your DD what she wants. Parents can tend to make it about what they want and expect. But who is she? Have you stopped to ask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw OP I had to step in and essentially do the exact same thing for my high anxiety with depression DC. With depression it is hard to do basic things like getting out of bed and brushing teeth never mind something massive like handle the transition to college. We got DC therapy and medication and I handheld DC through the forms and due dates. It is not that she is Unmotivated as you state it. It is that she is struggling with depression. She will struggle with it even if she is not in college next year and the fact that all her friends have move forward in their lives and she is left behind may not help the situation. Then the idea of reapplying, that sounds awful. If she says she wants to go, take her at her word, know that it will be a very very bumpy first year but listen to her and support her. You need to come at the situation with more empathy vs expectation of ‘she Should Be Doing This.’ DC’s sophomore year was Far better, more settled, more balanced, positive outlook, etc and they are so glad they stayed on track with our support.

NP. Just wanted to send some empathy and hope your way, OP. This seems like helpful advice.

Mine was similar. She was thrilled to go (git into dream school) but struggled some with depression towards the end of sr year and homesickness in first year. She has come through it pretty well. All the best to your daughter and to you.