Thinking of bagging college for DD this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about what DD would do in that year off. If there's something cool she wants to do and/or you have the money to send her off to flit around Europe for 6 months, great. But if she's going to mope around the house and/or work part time gigs at Giant, I'd say no. If anything she'll end up even more disconnected from her peer group and likely more depressed. Her HS friends will be in college and no they won't be texting her back when she's sitting home bored bc they'll be off partying and making new friends. She won't have college friends. And in no universe did getting yelled at by a retail store middle manager ever make anyone's depression any better.

If there aren't specific gap year plans, much better to just go to the school she got into and see how it goes and then if she still doesn't warm up to it, fill out transfer applications.

Other option is she stays at home but takes a full schedule of classes at a community college, so she's at least earning some college credit and then can start filling out transfer apps with an eye to going where she wants to go the following year.

This a good plan, plus add weekly talk therapy if you think she’s depressed. Some colleges offer it for free on campus.

[Anonymous]

OP: Is your daughter sad & tired or depressed ? It's okay to feel sad & to be tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. I applied for a different college that I was decently excited about for entrance in the spring semester. In the meantime I did administrative stuff in my dad's office to earn money. It wasn't the most exciting time of my life (like the gap year to Europe I dreamed about) but I'm so glad I didn't try to push through things and go to a school I wasn't excited about when I was burnt out.

Okay I'm sorry I didn't read all the comments. I thought your DD was feeling like bagging it too. Please don't make her stay home or go to a community college. Have you been to community college? I am not opposed to community colleges but I don't think being away from fun activities that regular universities offer and going to classes that are far below your DD's capacity is going to improve her mental health!

[Anonymous]

Don't wait/waste a while year to find out what she's actually upset about. Does she want to spend a year boosting her resume to get into a school that rejected her this year?

Does she need a reality check and get over her prejudices about the schools?

Whatever is it, work through that *now*.

[Anonymous]

All of the advice has been really valuable. I am the OP and want to thank everyone.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a high school student that struggles with anxiety and depression. Sending you a virtual hug because I know it can be so tough. I hope therapy and/or medication can help.

I think having something to do in the year ahead will generally be better for someone with depression rather than having a year off with no firm plans. Best wishes to your child and family.

[Anonymous]

The danger of unrealistic expectations and not getting into a school you like. You can always transfer after first year, but not ideal.

[Anonymous]

I guess saying top 25 public schools sounds better than top 65.

[Anonymous]

Is there a summer orientation for freshman scheduled? If so, send her and see how it goes before bagging the whole thing.

I had kids who simply were not that excited about the whole thing - that didn't mean they picked the wrong school or that they weren't ready. It's OK to not be less gung ho than some of your peers. My son was like this and just graduated after having a great college experience. He wouldnt even go on a college tour or admitted students day.

My daughter acted like she didn't want to go, but was more excited after orientation.

[Anonymous]

Did she have her heart set on some elite school or some shit like that?

[Anonymous]

It could be exacerbated depression, but I think this type of paralysis is not that uncommon either. The kids are coming down from the high after graduation and reality is setting in that they are embarking on adulthood and one of the biggest life transitions, filled with much uncertainty and many unknowns. Good luck, hope she comes around!

[Anonymous]

OP - I know MANY kids who are not jazzed about logging in to their university accounts and taking all the steps that are needed. This includes kids who didn't get their preferred schools and those who did.

Reasons have run the gamut:
- kid trying to enjoy senior year
- kid not motivated to do administrative tasks
- kid overwhelmed by the idea of moving (even if excited)
- kid not jazzed about option (even if it's a great one...which T25 is!)

Approaches do too:
- setting up appointment to sit down with kid, review the items (and importance), and set up a to do list
- doing absolutely nothing and assuming they will learn via natural consequences
- nudging the kid to take steps on their own

Unless she is expressing the desire to take a year off, I would not go that route. I would make sure her mental health is truly ok and let her know there is professional support now locally AND in the future at school - and that you are there for her

Remember that there are many reasons to be both excited and worried in this transition and everyone is different. What is exciting to one person may be stressful for another. You seem to be assuming her moon stems from the less-preferred college option but it could be something else (or a combo) like leaving friends, ending school, moving away, anxiety of a new place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She says “no” she wants to go but shows no motivation when it is time to fill out forms or look for roommates. There is too much to do and I work and will not prod her on all
Of it. It’s too much for me.

She’s been a great student and is normally very responsible. I just think she isn’t thrilled and is suffering from depression. Her own personal makeup, a very stressful school year and admissions cycle have left her confused and depressed.

I am seeking help
For her but would like to
Just bag the entire thing and restart in a year.

Just want to start all over. I can’t see sending her in her present unmotivated state

I'm pp above who said many kids aren't stepping up to the plate on "college to do list" - the above also describes my child (who also is not at their preferred option - but one that is great).

Our DC will be going to school in Fall and never expressed they don't want to go. They may end up transferring - I"m not sure but that'll be on them.

I wouldn't look for the reason - just make sure she has the mental health support, if necessary.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a college rising sophomore, I was surprised at the transition period needed between acceptances in mid-senior year and going away to college in August. You think of senior year as all fun, and it is fun, but its also full of anxiety, decision making, and saying goodbyes. And the kids were affected by Covid during high school, so I think everything has been a little harder.

Anyway, my child managed to become excited about school before move-in in August, but the end of the school year included a lot of sadness about moving on. I don't think this is unusual.

[Anonymous]

It's not unusual OP, she sounds burned out and she didn't even get into her desired school. It's ok to be sad and disorganized as long as you help her get it together for college next year.

Taking a year off is one way to increase the chance she won't go back to any college and then will have a chance to transfer, if she wants to. You will have to help her with the transition, most kids today aren't given much independent responsibility and have to learn in college.