Thinking of bagging college for DD this year.

[Anonymous]

Yeah no since it is driven by you and not her, this is not a good idea.

You want her to hagn around the house and be depressed?

She got into a good school. She says she wants to go.

Have her do the random selection for roommates. She doesn't need to pick someone out.

DO make sure she gets the housing info in. Kids who turn their housing info in past the deadline get screwed on housing often.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw OP I had to step in and essentially do the exact same thing for my high anxiety with depression DC. With depression it is hard to do basic things like getting out of bed and brushing teeth never mind something massive like handle the transition to college. We got DC therapy and medication and I handheld DC through the forms and due dates. It is not that she is Unmotivated as you state it. It is that she is struggling with depression. She will struggle with it even if she is not in college next year and the fact that all her friends have move forward in their lives and she is left behind may not help the situation. Then the idea of reapplying, that sounds awful. If she says she wants to go, take her at her word, know that it will be a very very bumpy first year but listen to her and support her. You need to come at the situation with more empathy vs expectation of ‘she Should Be Doing This.’ DC’s sophomore year was Far better, more settled, more balanced, positive outlook, etc and they are so glad they stayed on track with our support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah no since it is driven by you and not her, this is not a good idea.

You want her to hagn around the house and be depressed?

She got into a good school. She says she wants to go.

Have her do the random selection for roommates. She doesn't need to pick someone out.

DO make sure she gets the housing info in. Kids who turn their housing info in past the deadline get screwed on housing often.

+1. Its June. I assume she is either just graduating or will be soon. Sounds like she needs a mental health break, and she'll get it, it's called summer. Let her enjoy the summer, hang with friends and eventually she will get more motivated. If you are threatening her to keep her home for a year, that is going to backfire. Back off.

My DD didn't want to deal with college stuff either for a while over the summer. Sh was very excited about the school she was going to and had a roommate but refused even think about shopping for college stuff until mid to late July. It's a huge transition and for her, she just wasn't ready to fully dive in until it got a little closer to the first day of school. and that is FINE.

[Anonymous]

For you, don’t impose your wants on her. Sit down and make sure she understands the deadlines. Then zip it. If she doesn’t get her room preference forms in on time, she gets what’s left. Natural consequence. It could well be she is less resistant to housing forms than she is to listening to you tell her what to out on the housing forms.

For her, counseling stat. A psychiatrist and medication if needed. Depression isn’t exactly uncommon in the pandemic era kids. Tell her counselor at the intake appointment your concerns about college motivation. Then walk away and left someone less emeshed work with her.

Gap years should serve a purpose. Gain maturity by working a full time entry level job, earn money for college, volunteer, follow a passion/ complete a passion project, accomplish a big goal, like hiking the AT. They should be doing something at least 40 hours a week that leads to some result (personal growth counts). No good comes of a gap year the kid doesn’t want with no defined goals. It’s a recipie for more depression— especially when HS a kids come home for college breaks, and she’s still stuck in her childhood bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think about what DD would do in that year off. If there's something cool she wants to do and/or you have the money to send her off to flit around Europe for 6 months, great. But if she's going to mope around the house and/or work part time gigs at Giant, I'd say no. If anything she'll end up even more disconnected from her peer group and likely more depressed. Her HS friends will be in college and no they won't be texting her back when she's sitting home bored bc they'll be off partying and making new friends. She won't have college friends. And in no universe did getting yelled at by a retail store middle manager ever make anyone's depression any better.

If there aren't specific gap year plans, much better to just go to the school she got into and see how it goes and then if she still doesn't warm up to it, fill out transfer applications.

Other option is she stays at home but takes a full schedule of classes at a community college, so she's at least earning some college credit and then can start filling out transfer apps with an eye to going where she wants to go the following year.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw OP I had to step in and essentially do the exact same thing for my high anxiety with depression DC. With depression it is hard to do basic things like getting out of bed and brushing teeth never mind something massive like handle the transition to college. We got DC therapy and medication and I handheld DC through the forms and due dates. It is not that she is Unmotivated as you state it. It is that she is struggling with depression. She will struggle with it even if she is not in college next year and the fact that all her friends have move forward in their lives and she is left behind may not help the situation. Then the idea of reapplying, that sounds awful. If she says she wants to go, take her at her word, know that it will be a very very bumpy first year but listen to her and support her. You need to come at the situation with more empathy vs expectation of ‘she Should Be Doing This.’ DC’s sophomore year was Far better, more settled, more balanced, positive outlook, etc and they are so glad they stayed on track with our support.

+10. This is truly helpful. Hoping your DC is doing better. Yes, depression is casting a cloud over the whole process. Seeking help and meds…

[Anonymous]

You are going to be sorry if you make her take a year off. She sounds like she is going to lose all motivation. If you think you are "reminding" her a lot now, just wait til you see what happens when does is out of step with her peers.
Help her or pay someone (since you work) to do the basics and get her some therapy right away. If she is depressed that may not be something she can shake off and it would be akin to making someone with a physical injury carry a large load.

[Anonymous]

Treat the mental health condition first. Everything else will flow from that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird take OP. Most of the best roommate situations are random. You can fill out the insurance waivers to keep on your insurance and the immunization forms and she can do the housing and meal plan. Otherwise, stop nagging her and just try to enjoy her company for a few more months.

+1

My DS was matched with a terrific roommate late year. I filled out the medical info. Have her sit with you while you fill out the housing/meal plan.

[Anonymous]

I would not have her take a year off. Help her with the forms. Give her a relaxed but fun summer (don't just have her sit around on her phone) and maybe guide her toward "easy" first semester classes and only the minimum credits she needs to be "full-time."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird take OP. Most of the best roommate situations are random. You can fill out the insurance waivers to keep on your insurance and the immunization forms and she can do the housing and meal plan. Otherwise, stop nagging her and just try to enjoy her company for a few more months.

+1

My DS was matched with a terrific roommate late year. I filled out the medical info. Have her sit with you while you fill out the housing/meal plan.

+1. Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw OP I had to step in and essentially do the exact same thing for my high anxiety with depression DC. With depression it is hard to do basic things like getting out of bed and brushing teeth never mind something massive like handle the transition to college. We got DC therapy and medication and I handheld DC through the forms and due dates. It is not that she is Unmotivated as you state it. It is that she is struggling with depression. She will struggle with it even if she is not in college next year and the fact that all her friends have move forward in their lives and she is left behind may not help the situation. Then the idea of reapplying, that sounds awful. If she says she wants to go, take her at her word, know that it will be a very very bumpy first year but listen to her and support her. You need to come at the situation with more empathy vs expectation of ‘she Should Be Doing This.’ DC’s sophomore year was Far better, more settled, more balanced, positive outlook, etc and they are so glad they stayed on track with our support.

+10. This is truly helpful. Hoping your DC is doing better. Yes, depression is casting a cloud over the whole process. Seeking help and meds…

+1. I get it - they are worried and overwhelmed and you are worried and overwhelmed. You have to triage into what college forms have to be done else the impact is huge and not easily fixed. They need to have some form of housing and the money has to be straight (financial aid, adding you as an authorized payee, waiving the insurance fee if you have adequate insurance for them). We set a time to do this together - they would log in and either do it themselves with me there to ask questions or if they couldn’t find where/how, they would ask me to look at the site.

I had to take the lead on finding mental health professionals. I think in this timeframe if there were other household tasking/or items with our other kids, I asked my spouse to take some of it on. I also used sick time at work to bring my kid to appointments that addressed their mental health as I would if it was physical health.

Mid-summer/before school, looked into continuity of care, what mental health resources and office of disability services might my kid access at college and did they know what was available and how to access it. As a pp said, you have to take them at their word if they say they want to go and figure out how to support them.

[Anonymous]

Some kids don’t really engage with college until they get there. It’s fairly normal for the summer before college to be difficult. It’s a big transition and kids adjust in different ways. I’d see what she wants and how she thinks you can best support her.

[Anonymous]

Step away from all of the nagging and give her a little space to see what she wants to do. Then support her.

My mother and I were just discussing this. I got into the prestigious reach and when the time came, wasn’t feeling it. A few weeks before I told my parents I wanted to stay home, work and take classes at the community college. They thought they made the best decision at the time by telling me to go, which I did. I ultimately hated it and transferred to a smaller, low pressure school which was a better fit.

Your daughter could be feeling a lot of different things right now. Either way it needs to be her decision. It will be just as bad if she wants to go away but you force her to stay home a year. Give her space to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Weird take OP. Most of the best roommate situations are random. You can fill out the insurance waivers to keep on your insurance and the immunization forms and she can do the housing and meal plan. Otherwise, stop nagging her and just try to enjoy her company for a few more months.

Not nagging. She had to be reminded to complete the housing form or risk not having housing at all. My idea IS to quit reminding ( you call it nagging) and see what happens.

I have an anxious kid in therapy for it and have wanted to bag it, too.

With therapy, medicine and the end of stressful school, my future college kid is slowly getting their act together and taking on more of the paperwork. They had a mound of paperwork for their summer job and now a lot of complication with changing their major and getting into the correct orientation, which filled up. They learned a lesson to keep badgering people to get things done and will still be going to college.

Therapy and, if needed, medicine can help a lot.

They have not looked for a roommate and doing so isn’t necessary.

My kid did NOT want a year off and I see now it would not be good. This one needs to be with their cohort and keep moving forward.

I hope you find the best path for your child.