I Cannot Stand My Mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS she also calls me names, is snarky, says mean things about me in front of the kids, yells at me loudly, etc

Get her out yesterday. I went through something like this and did not assert myself properly. I was in hell. Two years later, I'm still a changed person. I am amazed at how much hospice puts on caregivers and how much they glorify 'what the patient wants'. What someone wants and what can be done are two different realities.

GET HER OUT before it destroys you and your family. I say this with so much respect and love for you OP. My motive here is to protect you and your family. What your mother wants, feels, etc, doesn't even matter anymore, given her behavior.

Interesting. I had a horrible experience with hospice where they over drugged the person till they died 1 day later. They seemed obsessed with death and not feeling pain. Guess they have a wide array of people working with them.

That sounds way more humane than what my parent experienced because sibling wouldn't allow hospice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP let me share my perspective with you. For background, I was raised by a wolf mother too - actually, that’s an insult to wolves - so I’m acutely aware of the particular cruelty of a psychologically twisted mother. This stuff comes from personality disorder, it is not easy stuff to fix especially because most of these cold critical nasty negative mothers are up there on the bad end of the narcissistic personality traits spectrum, and do not even have the capacity to recognize their behavior is dysfunctional thus no willingness to work on behavior change which requires insight. Narcissists do not progress much in therapy, even if you can get one there.

Now, after spending all my reproductive years on academic and career achievement in law and then having a health breakdown in my early 40s, I have spent the last 7 years working as a caregiver primarily for hospice status patients. Beyond my personal experience of dozens of clients, I have read extensively and shared experiences with other caregivers in support groups - yes, even unrelated caregivers need support groups and other strategies to cope with the harrowing effects of the work, which is too often with angry bitter people who lash out on the regular even at their paid, non related caregivers.

What I’ve seen is that people usually become more of what they always were as they age and decline both physically and cognitively. The Scrooge transformation upon realization of impending mortality is a fantastical imagination - the truth of most of humanity is much more evident in Miss Havisham, and Dickens knew better than most how fraught the parent child relationship could be. Your mom is not likely to get any nicer and is much more likely to be more and more cruel as she becomes more vulnerable in her body and mind. She cannot help but be especially cruel to you, because mothers of this type have spent a lifetime installing our psychological vulnerabilities in us and they can trigger them with very little effort, even if we have the insight and work very very hard, it is toxic to live day in and day out with a bully. If you keep your mother at home she will likely steal at least 5 years from your life expectancy, time you could have with your kids and grandkids at the end of your life. In the meantime the toxic dynamic she exudes into your family home will have effects that you may not even perceive now - children who live with a bully and watch that bully do their bullying to someone they really love are impacted by that, trust me. It will impact them in how they feel about intimacy with family, friends and someday potential partners and their own kids.

I would urge you t set aside any misplaced guilt and research options for your mother to live in assisted living or other similar setting. Take a long, hard realistic look at what she is doing to your mental health and ask yourself how you will feel a few years from now if things don’t change but instead get worse. I have seen adult children eaten alive by caregiving abusive parents. You DO NOT owe that to her. Your primary obligations now are to your own offspring. Think hard about how this impacts them.

BEST POST EVER.

I agree. I have read it a few times. Very insightful and great cultural reference too.

[Anonymous]

Video. Record your interactions, then play back to her when she denies it. Ship her off to memory car if she persists in “Forgetting”. Tell her this is the plan. Tell her you’ve got cameras annd mics all over the house too. If she doesn’t like it she can leave, but it’s for her safety since she’s become so forgetful. Seriously two can play at this game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS she also calls me names, is snarky, says mean things about me in front of the kids, yells at me loudly, etc

Get her out yesterday. I went through something like this and did not assert myself properly. I was in hell. Two years later, I'm still a changed person. I am amazed at how much hospice puts on caregivers and how much they glorify 'what the patient wants'. What someone wants and what can be done are two different realities.

GET HER OUT before it destroys you and your family. I say this with so much respect and love for you OP. My motive here is to protect you and your family. What your mother wants, feels, etc, doesn't even matter anymore, given her behavior.

Interesting. I had a horrible experience with hospice where they over drugged the person till they died 1 day later. They seemed obsessed with death and not feeling pain. Guess they have a wide array of people working with them.

Ummm that's literally what hospice does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

What the actual...what if child and parent are estranged? Does this still apply?

the courts can take abuse or estrangement under consideration, but-- as always, your mileage may vary. ideally, move your parent to DC or Maryland where there are no filial responsibility laws on the books, and try to get them eligible for medicaid. (very difficult, there is a five year lookback where you have to give them EVERY banking statement, they very much like to reject applicants, etc. oh, and the "medicare covers 100 days"- ha, that usually gets refused as well.)

note, the law where the parent resides is the one that matters here.

[Anonymous]

Happy Mother's Day!!

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are preaching to the choir, op! To the big choir.
Why they do that? I wish I knew.
One minute on the phone my mom, 76, is telling me how she raised wonderful DDs, and now her grandkids are great young adults, and she has a grand new baby granddaughter at her age that we all adore.
The next minute I joke that my niece will rip the flower headband off her head, as babies do, and she starts ranting about...I do not even know what. It was just a joke that babies do not like some Easter wreaths or anything on their heads.
So I tell mom, you have no sense of humor. She does not. Everything is offensive unless she is labeling sarcasm and criticism on us.
Her response: " Why would I ever have a sense of humor when my life was always suffering and misery and there is nothing good in my life."
Then, it must be that brain injury I had as a child that robbed me of a sense of humor.
Me: Mom, why are you always a victim?

Mom: Of course, I am a victim; I have suffered and never had anything good.

I am exhausted from this victim narc BS. Nothing good, a three-story house with a pool and manicured grounds. Village estate, two dds who are accomplished professionals—three gorgeous grandkids, and a great private business she did on her own.
Vacations in several countries, including a safari in Africa. Zanzibar for swimming with tortoises, Pyramids in Egypt, to mention a few things she did.
But nothing matters except that she was a post-WWII child in Europe and a premie.
She does not even see that she insulted my sister and me; nope, I am mean to hear tell her. It is her old age, but she was always critical and nasty.
It makes me think she is a cover victim narcissist.

I have no doubt she's difficult but these are not exactly productive things to say to improve the situation. Kind of damning generalizations that leave no room for improvement.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to reinforce two points—1) that aggression, volatility and meanness are sometimes signs of Alzheimer’s/dementia. There’s also a lot more emotional laity and less self-control. So even if she’d typically avoid going straight for the jugular, she may be far enough along that it’s happening regularly.

More importantly, there is something in the Alzheimers caregiving world known as therapeutic lying. It is actually moral, in that it is the right way to treat the person with their current level of functioning/understanding. I use it all the time to keep my mom safe and happy. I think it is called for here.

Think about what your mom cares about—e.g., does she worry that you’re not doing a good job at work? Then tell her that you can’t have people in the house while you’re working remotely.

Does she worry about money? Tell her that she can lock in a low fee if she enrolls in a CCRC now, but that it expires.

Does she care about your husband? Tell her that he needs to have his parents move in.

Tell her that she’ll only get Medicare benefits if she’s in a skilled setting (true). Tell her that your homeowner’s insurance won’t allow multi generation families.

It will seem mean, but she really doesn’t sound like she can act in her own best interest—which is for her to be in assisted living. She wants that, you and your family need that. And at that point, you can use whatever tools you need to get her there.

I’m thinking of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She got so angry she balled up her fists and shook them.

Sorry about your situation. But lol at this image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d like to reinforce two points—1) that aggression, volatility and meanness are sometimes signs of Alzheimer’s/dementia. There’s also a lot more emotional laity and less self-control. So even if she’d typically avoid going straight for the jugular, she may be far enough along that it’s happening regularly.

More importantly, there is something in the Alzheimers caregiving world known as therapeutic lying. It is actually moral, in that it is the right way to treat the person with their current level of functioning/understanding. I use it all the time to keep my mom safe and happy. I think it is called for here.

Think about what your mom cares about—e.g., does she worry that you’re not doing a good job at work? Then tell her that you can’t have people in the house while you’re working remotely.

Does she worry about money? Tell her that she can lock in a low fee if she enrolls in a CCRC now, but that it expires.

Does she care about your husband? Tell her that he needs to have his parents move in.

Tell her that she’ll only get Medicare benefits if she’s in a skilled setting (true). Tell her that your homeowner’s insurance won’t allow multi generation families.

It will seem mean, but she really doesn’t sound like she can act in her own best interest—which is for her to be in assisted living. She wants that, you and your family need that. And at that point, you can use whatever tools you need to get her there.

I’m thinking of you.

Or tell her that it's a temporary move just for the summer and then never move her back home.

[Anonymous]

My mother is an absolute nightmare. She put my father in the shittiest nursing home she could find and treated my sister and I like garbage for years. After she had a bad car accident, she couldn’t live on her own, so my sister decided to take her in (despite repeated warnings from my brother and I that it was a terrible idea). She put up with her crap for 3 months then told her, after Jan. 1 you’re going into assisted living back in MD. She moved her into a facility and hasn’t spoken to her since. It is not fair to you or your family to put up with her abusive behavior. Dump her in the first assisted living place you can find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Video. Record your interactions, then play back to her when she denies it. Ship her off to memory car if she persists in “Forgetting”. Tell her this is the plan. Tell her you’ve got cameras annd mics all over the house too. If she doesn’t like it she can leave, but it’s for her safety since she’s become so forgetful. Seriously two can play at this game.

this is elder abuse you realize

[Anonymous]

You are better than me

Nope would not take mine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

What the actual...what if child and parent are estranged? Does this still apply?

the courts can take abuse or estrangement under consideration, but-- as always, your mileage may vary. ideally, move your parent to DC or Maryland where there are no filial responsibility laws on the books, and try to get them eligible for medicaid. (very difficult, there is a five year lookback where you have to give them EVERY banking statement, they very much like to reject applicants, etc. oh, and the "medicare covers 100 days"- ha, that usually gets refused as well.)

note, the law where the parent resides is the one that matters here.

Filial responsibility laws are rare and are even more rarely enforced.