Reply to I Cannot Stand My Mother

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[quote=Anonymous]I’d like to reinforce two points—1) that aggression, volatility and meanness are sometimes signs of Alzheimer’s/dementia. There’s also a lot more emotional laity and less self-control. So even if she’d typically avoid going straight for the jugular, she may be far enough along that it’s happening regularly.

More importantly, there is something in the Alzheimers caregiving world known as therapeutic lying. It is actually moral, in that it is the right way to treat the person with their current level of functioning/understanding. I use it all the time to keep my mom safe and happy. I think it is called for here.

Think about what your mom cares about—e.g., does she worry that you’re not doing a good job at work? Then tell her that you can’t have people in the house while you’re working remotely.

Does she worry about money? Tell her that she can lock in a low fee if she enrolls in a CCRC now, but that it expires.

Does she care about your husband? Tell her that he needs to have his parents move in.

Tell her that she’ll only get Medicare benefits if she’s in a skilled setting (true). Tell her that your homeowner’s insurance won’t allow multi generation families.

It will seem mean, but she really doesn’t sound like she can act in her own best interest—which is for her to be in assisted living. She wants that, you and your family need that. And at that point, you can use whatever tools you need to get her there.

I’m thinking of you.
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