I Cannot Stand My Mother

[Anonymous]

She has been living with us for 6 months and I want to slit my wrists. For people who get angry and say we should be thankful they are still alive, sure, I get that. But if you have to live with an abusive parent, life is hell.

I don’t wish ill on her certainly, but I do not like her and she makes everything impossible and terrible.

We do have some daytime help, and she is nice to them. But she is horrible to me and aside from that daytime help I have to deal with her. She does not have dementia but she does have some memory loss and cognitive decline. She is generally with it and knows full well she is being horrible to me.

She refuses to go to assisted living but if this terrible attitude and abuse doesn’t lesson (I know it won’t go away completely), I am going to have to consider telling her she needs to leave.

Has anyone else actually forced their parent out of the house?

[Anonymous]

*lessen (though this is also a lesson in life)

[Anonymous]

To assisted living she goes- as soon as it can be arranged. Tell her living with you is no longer an option.

[Anonymous]

Assuming she has always been abusive, I am just wondering why you took her into your home and what you expected. Also if you have a spouse and/or kids, her abusive behavior must be poisoning the whole household. It is your home, so you get to call the shots in a way that flips the power dynamic. Do not let a single instance of rudeness go unchallenged. Even if you have tolerated it for six months, start a new reality today.

Mom, I have accepted your abusiveness up until today, but it cannot go on. We are going to change these unhealthy patterns. You will speak to me respectfully if you wish to remain a guest in my home. If you have a need or concern, you may raise it respectfully.

[Anonymous]

If your parent was still with it, what was it like to get them to leave/get them into assisted living? I can imagine it would be tough, worse than trying to get an adult child out of the house.

[Anonymous]

You are earning your way into heaven. Do you think you deserve a free pass?

[Anonymous]

Why is she living with you?

[Anonymous]

Play hardball with her. There’s no need to take abuse from anyone, including your mother. As soon as she says something, respond with:

“Stop talking to me that way. It’s rude, and I’m not putting up with it. Either you speak to me with respect or you find somewhere else to live. What’s your choice?”

I’d keep track of what she says. Keep a log. Show it to her. Let her know “When you get to this line (point to a few lines down from her latest comment), this is when you leave. I don’t want any surprises for you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Play hardball with her. There’s no need to take abuse from anyone, including your mother. As soon as she says something, respond with:

“Stop talking to me that way. It’s rude, and I’m not putting up with it. Either you speak to me with respect or you find somewhere else to live. What’s your choice?”

I’d keep track of what she says. Keep a log. Show it to her. Let her know “When you get to this line (point to a few lines down from her latest comment), this is when you leave. I don’t want any surprises for you.”

I recommend this approach, including keeping the log. She could live for years and years. Better to get it all in hand now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are earning your way into heaven. Do you think you deserve a free pass?

The is OP and actually I think would rather go to hell.

A PP asked why she is living with us. She had an accident and ended up at the hospital and it was clear she could no longer live on her own. The first month she was sweet as pie. Thank you and you’re the best and very cooperative. Actually less than a month. Two weeks. Then she got meaner and meaner.

I’m sorry she is not happy but I don’t feel she has the right to make everyone around her miserable. I get that it’s no fun getting old and not being able to live independently. But I can’t take much more. I just don’t know if I have the heart to drop her off at an assisted living against her will, but I may get to that point, maybe sooner rather than later if she continues in this way. It’s almost like she is asking to be shown the door.

I thought I was doing something nice by bringing her into our home and offering her a safe place to live. And I never expected it to be ALL sunshine and roses. But imagine waking up and the first words you hear are how unhappy someone is living with you and you are not doing enough for them, and the last words you hear at night are, “I hate it here, I hate being here with you, why is someone else paid to do what you could do for me, you just don’t care enough or are lazy”

[Anonymous]

PS she also calls me names, is snarky, says mean things about me in front of the kids, yells at me loudly, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are earning your way into heaven. Do you think you deserve a free pass?

Most humorous post of the week.

[Anonymous]

OP—my guess is that you are married. If so, I hope you see your spouse as a partner. Please enlist support from them. Have them call your mother out on the rude comments. “Stop being mean and rude to Mary. If you can’t treat her with kindness, I will do everything in my power to help her move you out. This is our home, and you will not be rude to anyone.”

[Anonymous]

I have had to deal with a difficult mother in decline and I can tell you, you should definitely send her away. You shouldn't even feel bad about not visiting her frequently. No reason in the world for you to suffer. period.

[Anonymous]

That's sad but it sounds like she can't stand you either so just find someplace else for her to live. She probably wouldn't treat the residents and staff at an assisted living place the same way she's treating you, or maybe she would, but she doesn't deserve to live with someone who is constantly annoyed by her and you don't deserve to live with someone who is mean to you. Do something soon.