I Cannot Stand My Mother

[Anonymous]

Some assisted living places have tours then a free lunch. I told my mom let’s go take advantage of the free lunches and tour some places in case we go on vacation and you need a place to stay for a while. We toured the five closest places to my house. The ones that didn’t have a free lunch I dropped by and pre purchased a meal and then told my mom it was free.

I ended up having to lie and lie and lie to get my mom out of my house an into assisted living. It ended up being better fir both of us. She made new friends, ate better, there are activities, etc.

[Anonymous]

PP if you don’t mind my asking (since this forum is anonymous), what lies did you tell that worked?! I might have to recycle them for my purposes
-OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS she also calls me names, is snarky, says mean things about me in front of the kids, yells at me loudly, etc

That's when I'd tell her she needs to leave.

This is unacceptable behavior. Find a home and kicks her out. No guilt.

Exactly...time to drop her off. Don't feel guilty...she sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have tried. Your children (if you have them) have seen this. Time to find an alternative, and present it to mom, kindly, gently and with facts, not emotion.

Mom, you've made it clear you are not happy here, despite my trying my best. Here is information about 2 alternatives, we can visit them next week, and then you can decide, move to one of them, or start treating me better and stay here. The choice is yours.

NP. I don't think there is a legit choice to be made for mom to stay in OP's home. OP has already said mom was nice for 2 weeks and then the abuse started. If OP presents this choice, mom might be nice again for two weeks but it won't stick and then OP is back to square one.

I think the choices are: mom, I've researched continuing care retirement communities, here are the three best choices, and you get to pick one, but you are moving out of my house. Period.

I've been estranged from my alcoholic narcissistic father for 20+ years. One of my sisters is still in touch with him periodically and apparently he moved to Utah with his third wife so her daughter can help care for the both of them. Do I feel even a twinge of guilt? No. He was (and likely still is) a terrible person and I don't owe him caregiving at the end of his life just because he's my father. I paid my dues growing up with him, watching him emotionally abuse my mother (and have multiple affairs, including when I was a newborn, that I found out about as a teen), watching him emotionally abuse my younger sisters, and experiencing his emotional abuse myself. I don't believe in heaven because I'm an atheist, but to the PP who says OP has to suffer this continued emotional abuse from her mother to get into heaven -- get over yourself. There's plenty of ways to pay our dues and when our parents have emotionally abused us, their claim on us when they become dependent is null and void.

[Anonymous]

It really sounds like an assisted living situation would be the best for both of you. Talking badly about you in front of your children is just not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are preaching to the choir, op! To the big choir.
Why they do that? I wish I knew.
One minute on the phone my mom, 76, is telling me how she raised wonderful DDs, and now her grandkids are great young adults, and she has a grand new baby granddaughter at her age that we all adore.
The next minute I joke that my niece will rip the flower headband off her head, as babies do, and she starts ranting about...I do not even know what. It was just a joke that babies do not like some Easter wreaths or anything on their heads.
So I tell mom, you have no sense of humor. She does not. Everything is offensive unless she is labeling sarcasm and criticism on us.
Her response: " Why would I ever have a sense of humor when my life was always suffering and misery and there is nothing good in my life."
Then, it must be that brain injury I had as a child that robbed me of a sense of humor.
Me: Mom, why are you always a victim?

Mom: Of course, I am a victim; I have suffered and never had anything good.

I am exhausted from this victim narc BS. Nothing good, a three-story house with a pool and manicured grounds. Village estate, two dds who are accomplished professionals—three gorgeous grandkids, and a great private business she did on her own.
Vacations in several countries, including a safari in Africa. Zanzibar for swimming with tortoises, Pyramids in Egypt, to mention a few things she did.
But nothing matters except that she was a post-WWII child in Europe and a premie.
She does not even see that she insulted my sister and me; nope, I am mean to hear tell her. It is her old age, but she was always critical and nasty.
It makes me think she is a cover victim narcissist.

OMG. The post WWII child in Europe must have led to many victim narcissists. I am hearing this every single day. My mom didn’t have as charmed a life as yours but I am constantly hearing about the poverty. which isn't true because I know they had a good life and didn't go without. they didn't have multiple cars, TVs came along later, washing machines also - bit those were technical developments that just happened later in the 50s. doesn't mean they were poor. It's such a woe is me attitude.

[Anonymous]

OP, you say no dementia but memory loss and mild cognitive decline. These can be the first signs of dementia, along with personality changes (fronto temporal area of brain gets impact--impulse, aggression etc). A recent trauma can move things in this direction fast as well.

I would second an evaluation. My mother started with short term memory loss and disorganization (not paying bills, etc), then some mild cognitive decline. She is now unable to find the right words--last night said "the breathing thing" instead of inhaler. She was an editor with an incredible vocabulary. She also has been more emotionally labile--mostly anxious and depressed but also has exhibited anger in a way that's unusual.

We are on a waitlist but I think this is actually part of dementia I am seeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are earning your way into heaven. Do you think you deserve a free pass?

That's not how that works.

[Anonymous]

OP I totally understand. She needs to go live in assisted living and not your home. Your sanity is just not worth it to keep her there. Save yourself from her as no one else will.

-Daughter of a HATEFUL, alcoholic, narcissistic, neglectful, abusive mother.

[Anonymous]

OP my mother wanted to move in with us when my father died. I said no. I kept saying no. She tried to visit us (from the UK, while terminally ill) but I knew she'd never leave. Again I said "no". I have no regrets on that front.

[Anonymous]

Well if you’re in the section and then she’s old so if it makes you feel better she’ll be gone one day and you’ll miss her.

[Anonymous]

Agree with other poster -- with cognitive/memory issues you might be dealing with personality changes due to progressing dementia or Alzheimer's. Anger, anxiety, depression, aggression all are signs. I had one relative who became emotionally flat, like they couldn't really empathize anymore. Then another who was very angry even though she was very capable of taking care of herself in all other ways.

Your mom may need a medication to manage her moods.

Also, if she has these issues you want to know that before you find a home for her. You may want to look into memory care instead of assisted living. They are different. Assisted living often is not trained and can't manage people with memory issues and don't understand the disease, the behavioral issues, or its progression. I mistakenly moved a loved one into assisted living with very early dementia (Sunrise). They couldn't handle her repetitive questions, she annoyed the other residents, she wasn't advanced enough to be in their tiny/crappy memory care unit, and she declined faster than I thought...and they ended up kicking her out with very little notice. Having to move her twice was NOT fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well if you’re in the section and then she’s old so if it makes you feel better she’ll be gone one day and you’ll miss her.

When a parent is abusive and you tried to be in the person's life and still got abuse, often you don't end up missing them. A lot of people are afraid to admit they feel extreme relief and calm. You don't have to worry anymore about the safety of someone who treats your poorly and you don't have to hear another word of abuse.

[Anonymous]

OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.