I Cannot Stand My Mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

many states have filial responsibility laws on the books. dc and maryland do not. virginia and pennsylvania do.

https://www.farrlawfirm.com/filial-responsibility/virginia-governor-vetoes-proposal-to-repeal-states-filial-responsibility-law/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

many states have filial responsibility laws on the books. dc and maryland do not. virginia and pennsylvania do.

https://www.farrlawfirm.com/filial-responsibility/virginia-governor-vetoes-proposal-to-repeal-states-filial-responsibility-law/

She does not have to have her mom in her home. If the mom cannot afford fancy residential, you check with the council on aging for options. You make it clear the behavior is potentially abusive and not something you can have in your home. The state cannot force abuse on you in your home. Then it turns into calling Adult Protective Services every time she gets nasty so you document it all and it ends becoming costly for the state.

Stop scaring OP. There are options.

[Anonymous]

This is OP — I wanted to thank everyone for the advice.

I brought up alternative living situations and she had a fit and claimed I was making it up that she had said she didn’t want to be with us. This is her way of avoiding taking responsibility. I told her we can go visit the places that interest her most and she said…

No.

She just refused.

I said she doesn’t have a choice anymore and she went into this whole thing about how I am no longer her daughter and how horrible I am to throw her out on the street after all she’s done for me, etc.

She then told me to shut up and not mention it again.

I don’t know what I am going to do. Or how to even get her out. It’s not like we can hogtie her and drop her off at one of these places.

I said to her at one point, “my obligation is to my DCs and DH, not to you”

She got so angry she balled up her fists and shook them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are earning your way into heaven. Do you think you deserve a free pass?

Here come the death trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS she also calls me names, is snarky, says mean things about me in front of the kids, yells at me loudly, etc

Get her out yesterday. I went through something like this and did not assert myself properly. I was in hell. Two years later, I'm still a changed person. I am amazed at how much hospice puts on caregivers and how much they glorify 'what the patient wants'. What someone wants and what can be done are two different realities.

GET HER OUT before it destroys you and your family. I say this with so much respect and love for you OP. My motive here is to protect you and your family. What your mother wants, feels, etc, doesn't even matter anymore, given her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Psychiatric evaluation is necessary.

And they will give her the 'she's in decline, patience, etc.'. Screw that, unless they medicate the nasty into oblivion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP let me share my perspective with you. For background, I was raised by a wolf mother too - actually, that’s an insult to wolves - so I’m acutely aware of the particular cruelty of a psychologically twisted mother. This stuff comes from personality disorder, it is not easy stuff to fix especially because most of these cold critical nasty negative mothers are up there on the bad end of the narcissistic personality traits spectrum, and do not even have the capacity to recognize their behavior is dysfunctional thus no willingness to work on behavior change which requires insight. Narcissists do not progress much in therapy, even if you can get one there.

Now, after spending all my reproductive years on academic and career achievement in law and then having a health breakdown in my early 40s, I have spent the last 7 years working as a caregiver primarily for hospice status patients. Beyond my personal experience of dozens of clients, I have read extensively and shared experiences with other caregivers in support groups - yes, even unrelated caregivers need support groups and other strategies to cope with the harrowing effects of the work, which is too often with angry bitter people who lash out on the regular even at their paid, non related caregivers.

What I’ve seen is that people usually become more of what they always were as they age and decline both physically and cognitively. The Scrooge transformation upon realization of impending mortality is a fantastical imagination - the truth of most of humanity is much more evident in Miss Havisham, and Dickens knew better than most how fraught the parent child relationship could be. Your mom is not likely to get any nicer and is much more likely to be more and more cruel as she becomes more vulnerable in her body and mind. She cannot help but be especially cruel to you, because mothers of this type have spent a lifetime installing our psychological vulnerabilities in us and they can trigger them with very little effort, even if we have the insight and work very very hard, it is toxic to live day in and day out with a bully. If you keep your mother at home she will likely steal at least 5 years from your life expectancy, time you could have with your kids and grandkids at the end of your life. In the meantime the toxic dynamic she exudes into your family home will have effects that you may not even perceive now - children who live with a bully and watch that bully do their bullying to someone they really love are impacted by that, trust me. It will impact them in how they feel about intimacy with family, friends and someday potential partners and their own kids.

I would urge you t set aside any misplaced guilt and research options for your mother to live in assisted living or other similar setting. Take a long, hard realistic look at what she is doing to your mental health and ask yourself how you will feel a few years from now if things don’t change but instead get worse. I have seen adult children eaten alive by caregiving abusive parents. You DO NOT owe that to her. Your primary obligations now are to your own offspring. Think hard about how this impacts them.

BEST POST EVER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

What the actual...what if child and parent are estranged? Does this still apply?

[Anonymous]

My grandma was toxic her whole life and my aunt took her in. They built a separate wing for her with her own bathroom. It was on a large acreage property and they were in construction so this was easier for them to do. She lasted 3 years there. And they got a nurse. Is this an option?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

many states have filial responsibility laws on the books. dc and maryland do not. virginia and pennsylvania do.

https://www.farrlawfirm.com/filial-responsibility/virginia-governor-vetoes-proposal-to-repeal-states-filial-responsibility-law/

Once the parent is on Medicaid you are not responsible anymore you are golden. OP get your mom on Medicaid and send her to the nursing home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP — I wanted to thank everyone for the advice.

I brought up alternative living situations and she had a fit and claimed I was making it up that she had said she didn’t want to be with us. This is her way of avoiding taking responsibility. I told her we can go visit the places that interest her most and she said…

No.

She just refused.

I said she doesn’t have a choice anymore and she went into this whole thing about how I am no longer her daughter and how horrible I am to throw her out on the street after all she’s done for me, etc.

She then told me to shut up and not mention it again.

I don’t know what I am going to do. Or how to even get her out. It’s not like we can hogtie her and drop her off at one of these places.

I said to her at one point, “my obligation is to my DCs and DH, not to you”

She got so angry she balled up her fists and shook them.

you need to work with the local agency on aging. they will let you know what services are available, and they can in fact virtually hogtie her and send her to the hospital for evaluation, especially if you can document the abuse. i don't think you've mentioned what the financial situation is-- does she have funds? was her previous home sold/let go? if it still exists, then she can go back, and services can come in and assist her. or, after evaluation, the hospital social worker can help you find alternative living arrangements.

if nothing else, it sounds like she needs to be evaluated for a UTI, and have medication. If you don't have POA, then you literally can't make any arrangements for her, but the state can step in and make them for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP there’s no obligation for you to house her.

Legally in the US kids have to support their senior parents, (it does vary, state by state) but still, she doesn't have to put her in her own home, for sure.

Is this true?

many states have filial responsibility laws on the books. dc and maryland do not. virginia and pennsylvania do.

https://www.farrlawfirm.com/filial-responsibility/virginia-governor-vetoes-proposal-to-repeal-states-filial-responsibility-law/

Once the parent is on Medicaid you are not responsible anymore you are golden. OP get your mom on Medicaid and send her to the nursing home.

How little income do they need to have to get on it? There are nursing homes for people on medicaid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS she also calls me names, is snarky, says mean things about me in front of the kids, yells at me loudly, etc

Get her out yesterday. I went through something like this and did not assert myself properly. I was in hell. Two years later, I'm still a changed person. I am amazed at how much hospice puts on caregivers and how much they glorify 'what the patient wants'. What someone wants and what can be done are two different realities.

GET HER OUT before it destroys you and your family. I say this with so much respect and love for you OP. My motive here is to protect you and your family. What your mother wants, feels, etc, doesn't even matter anymore, given her behavior.

Interesting. I had a horrible experience with hospice where they over drugged the person till they died 1 day later. They seemed obsessed with death and not feeling pain. Guess they have a wide array of people working with them.

[Anonymous]

First get therapy -- even a couple sessions. Think of moving her out of your house as one of the hardest and most difficult decisions and processes you will have to go through in your life. Because it will be. She will fight you tooth and nail. Put aside the idea that you can cajole her or that she will go willingly. They never do. It's truly awful to do it. You will feel tremendous guilt and like you are abandoning her...but you have to take care of yourself, your marriage, and you kids too.

You can also find a place for her and start going to the support group BEFORE you move her. It helps to talk to others so you don't feel so alone. Mom will make you feel like a monster and you aren't.

I also think the hardest thing is the role reversal. If she is your mom and used to calling the shots, now you have to take over. Of course she will throw a tantrum over the loss of control. And it will feel weird to you to make decisions without consulting her, but you have to for your own sake and the sake of your family.