How does a woman know she’s attractive?

[Anonymous]

People linger at looking at you. Like when I walk onto a plane, a lot of people will look up and instead of looking back at what they were doing, hold their gaze an extra second or even look surprised, mostly men.

[Anonymous]

My aunt's father (my aunt by marriage, so not a blood relative) used to tease the kids and tell and everyone, "You're ugly!" It would send me and my cousins in giggles and laughter. We knew he was just joking. However, my aunt was a bit obsessed with "beauty." She would say aloud all the time when looking at other women, "She's sooo beautiful." Or she would make comments, "She has such a beuuuutiful face."

Well, we are all Italian-American. We tended to look very ethnic, not blonde-haired and blue eyed with tiny button noses. I was born in 1969. In the 70s and 80s, Christy Brinkely was the standard of All American beauty.

At the same time, women of Italian ethnicity were always thought of as beautiful by some standards, like Sophia Loren, Luigia "Gina" Lollobrigida, and then Monica Belluci. They were in very sexual roles, though, not the girl next door.

Anyway, my aunt would never say that we girls in the family were "beautiful." It never really bothered me, because I didn't think my aunt was very intelligent.

I did grow up not all knowing whether I was attractive or not.

I don't mean this at all in a weird way. When I had my first teaching job, the second grade teacher walked me into the classroom I would be teaching. And the first thing one of the girls said was, "You're pretty." And then throughout my career, I had people who accused me of "using my looks" to get ahead, which I found laughable. I have had people tell me off-handedly, that I was "beautiful," and it completed shocked me. LoL.

Does a woman know she's attractive because of feedback from the outside world? Or what does she think of herself?

I know that I'm well-groomed when I leave my house. I've styled my hair usually in some way. I've brushed my teeth. I'm usually wearing some mascara and tinted sunscreen and lip gloss. My clothes look okay. It's not something I spend much time thinking about. I'm not in a profession where I have to focus so much on my looks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People trust me immediately or think I’m competent even though they have zero reason to.

And vice versa. People don't trust you and believe you must be stupid before even talking to you.

[Anonymous]

I’m the person who wrote that people trust me. I don’t think people think I’m dumb but I do think they might think I’m a B before getting to know me. I work hard at being a kind person and a good friend so hopefully once they know me the realize I’m okay!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People linger at looking at you. Like when I walk onto a plane, a lot of people will look up and instead of looking back at what they were doing, hold their gaze an extra second or even look surprised, mostly men.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the volume of men who compliment you, hit on you. That's how.

yes, beauty is subjective, people will be beautiful to you because you know them... but there are objectively beautiful women, and they know because they are told and it on multiple times a day.

Men have no real standards. They will cat call and hit on anything moving. To me the real sign is if a woman flirts with you.

This is not true. They generally hit on attractive women. Myself and many another average women don’t get hit on, catcalled, or noticed by men (not complaining! lol, just wanted to be honest)

[Anonymous]

I had a man I casually spoke to in the mornings at Starbucks buy me a $100 gift card to some boutique at Christmas . I am pretty but don’t even consider myself incredibly attractive but I have to assume that’s not typical , so maybe that’s the metric for deciding. Do men do things like that? If so, they find you attractive.

[Anonymous]

My mom said I was beautiful, and would pass along complements from her friends.

Any boy I was nice to thought I wanted him to ask me out.

Boys kissed me when I wasn’t really expecting it.

Men unfortunately exposed themselves or pressed against me in the subway.

Friends moms said “she’s so pretty and she doesn’t even know it.”

Male mentors were easy to find.

At the hairdresser other women asked if they could make their hair like mine and hairdresser would say no, nature did that.

[Anonymous]

You know you are attractive when men AND women stare at you. Men are attracted to a wide variety of women, truly attractive women get attention from other women too.

[Anonymous]

People tell you your whole life, double takes at ballparks, airports, etc, getting drinks bought at the bar, being mildly accosted in Italy. Men love you. Women love or hate you depends on how insecure they are, sales people want you to try on all the clothes, getting told during an interview, stuff like that

[Anonymous]

Most of these responses aren't helping me (not the OP).

I understand intellectually that I am at least a 6.5 and might rate as much as a 9, but 1) it's really just an intellectual understanding, I haven't, emotionally-speaking, internalized anything much more than that I am not-unattractive and 2) between 6.5 and 9, I really do not know where I fall, and I think there's a significant difference.

I mean, I can tell when OTHER women are attractive, subjective and full of societal bias though that assessment may be. But if I've remained within a point or two of the same "number" all my life, how would I really know if I got more attention from men than other women do, and so on?

Sure, I get hit on and/or catcalled with some regularity. I assume this applies to a lot of women. Sure, it may be more or less, but I'm not sure if it's that much more for a 9 vs a 6.5, and there are too many confounding factors-- attitude, age, vulnerability, weight, clothing, race, class, area, line of work...

Sure, people compliment me on my looks, but most of them aren't blurting out "OMG YOU'RE GORGEOUS!" They say I look great, which could be nothing more than an outfit or makeup/hair compliment, or they might say I'm pretty, but they're my friends, so...?

I don't have my pick of romantic partners and I can't think of what my dating prospects are or were, because I met my husband in HS.

I also don't stare at strangers, so I don't really know if they're looking at me, or looking any more at me than at anyone else.

IDK.

In my case, maybe it's a neurodivergent thing, but I don't get it.

Yes, I could be a 6.5. I could be a 9. In fact, the harder I try to compare myself to others, I probably am closer to a 9. (?)

Maybe I just don't "feel like" a 9, because...? I'm not sure why. I have a few friends that I think are 9s, and they're modest and down-to-earth, and don't "feel like" 9s either, so...?

It just doesn't feel like this is a question one can easily answer about oneself.

[Anonymous]

I'm 43 and men and women still stare at me (not all the time and not as much as it used to happen, but still).

[Anonymous]

XDH used to pass on his friends' comments about how I was attractive. We divorced for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know you are attractive when men AND women stare at you. Men are attracted to a wide variety of women, truly attractive women get attention from other women too.

+1

Plus, older women and incels tend to be hateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know you are attractive when men AND women stare at you. Men are attracted to a wide variety of women, truly attractive women get attention from other women too.

+1

Plus, older women and incels tend to be hateful.

Women of all ages can be hateful to other women. Age has nothing to do with it.

As an older woman, I would never dream of holding back a younger woman who chooses to be mentored by any older man who finds her more attractive than I and selects her as his mentee.