I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

Allow yourself to feel this anger. You should be angry. Cry as often and as much as you need. At the anniversary, of course you will feel keenly distressed. Can you think of anything that would bring you peace regarding what happened? Sone might not like this, but is there any revenge you can obtain? Having been traumatized myself, I know the feeling of helplessness you may feel along with anger. The high road sucks, imo, but I have no means for getting revenge and I don't want to go to prison. Imagining getting back at the person who harmed me is sometimes comforting.

Imagining revenge always makes me feel worse. Because any revenge I took would turn them into a victim. And then people would support them and blame me (which is what they did when I actually was the victim!). Knowing this destroys me.

The truth is that the person who hurt me has high status and social protection and I do not and there is nothing I could do to reverse that situation. Any action I took would only serve to make me look weaker than I am.

Have you tried to find a physical outlet for your anger? When I was first treated for ptsd, I took up boxing. The physical activity helped funnel out a lot of my frustration and learning to box made me feel strong and it built my confidence. Perhaps there is some activity, some hobby, some outlet you can find which will give you a break from thinking about your experience, even if only for an hour. You could build on those neutral times and extend them. Think of something outside the box. For me, a lazy, out of shape loner, boxing was such a vast change that it helped pull me away from my troubles. I still suffer, but I have more peace than pain.

Thank you for sharing this. I don't think boxing is for me but I'll think on it. I have anxiety around physical contact in workout environments now (symptom of my PTSD) so it's been hard to find anything other than solo activities (running, doing yoga at home) to help exercise some of these feelings out.

[Anonymous]

I say this with complete seriousness: Have you considered trying psychedelics? There is very promising work that is being done around vets with PTSD using psychedelics under a doctor’s care to heal the PTSD.

[Anonymous]

Helping animals makes me feel good and distracts me from my problems. Studies have shown there are positive physical benefits from just petting a dog.

[Anonymous]

sounds like you were abused by a narcissist. It is very hard to let go of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this with complete seriousness: Have you considered trying psychedelics? There is very promising work that is being done around vets with PTSD using psychedelics under a doctor’s care to heal the PTSD.

https://med.nyu.edu/departments-institutes/population-health/divisions-sections-centers/medical-ethics/education/high-school-bioethics-project/learning-scenarios/ptsd-treatment-psychedelics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I say this with complete seriousness: Have you considered trying psychedelics? There is very promising work that is being done around vets with PTSD using psychedelics under a doctor’s care to heal the PTSD.

OP here and yes I'm interested in the recent research on this but it's not something available to me at the moment but maybe in a few years. I try to be thoughtful and realistic about this stuff, having tried other therapies that proved to help people like me. I wound up feeling a little bit fleeced by my EMDR therapist and it's made me somewhat wary -- I don't' think people are trying to be exploitative but I also sometimes people get enthusiastic and things "this is going to be the breakthrough that fixes you." In the last year I've started to accept the idea that this is just not something that will get fixed. I'd try any safe option that might make it easier to deal with, but I am very skeptical of anyone who promises a cure. I don't believe in cures anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Helping animals makes me feel good and distracts me from my problems. Studies have shown there are positive physical benefits from just petting a dog.

Yes I have a dog and he's very helpful in this way. I'm very grateful for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the fact the perpetrator is not suing for slander or libel should make people believe you. There are probably more victims, don’t think you’re special to the perpetrator!

The perpetrator is a vulnerable narcissist who will perform victimhood when confronted. I think there are more victims but I also think many of them are stuck in a cycle of protecting this person because they are so good at soliciting that protection even from people they have harmed. I know because I went through it -- it took me years to work through this and get to the point where I could vocalize what had happened, and even when I did it, I felt guilty about how it would impact them because they are so good at what they do.

The fact that this person has no defense or explanation for what happened, but just choose to deflect or attack me, should in fact tell everyone what they need to know. And yet, all those people have fallen in line and protected them. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

It is reflexive to protect the larger /imploring personality over the person who is more likely to take the high road and go away. I imagine the other coworkers must have a sense of guilt or frustration deep down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the fact the perpetrator is not suing for slander or libel should make people believe you. There are probably more victims, don’t think you’re special to the perpetrator!

The perpetrator is a vulnerable narcissist who will perform victimhood when confronted. I think there are more victims but I also think many of them are stuck in a cycle of protecting this person because they are so good at soliciting that protection even from people they have harmed. I know because I went through it -- it took me years to work through this and get to the point where I could vocalize what had happened, and even when I did it, I felt guilty about how it would impact them because they are so good at what they do.

The fact that this person has no defense or explanation for what happened, but just choose to deflect or attack me, should in fact tell everyone what they need to know. And yet, all those people have fallen in line and protected them. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about.

I posted earlier that I understood. I bolded the above because this is absolutely the same situation. There are many of us out there.

[Anonymous]

OP, what helped me let go of deep anger was to repeatedly interrupt the cycle of thinking about it. Seriously, when you start to think about it you need to consciously change your focus and find something to do.

When I would start to ruminate I reframed it and focused on/actively tell myself 1) I can't change what has happened in the past, but I have the opportunity to change how it affects my present and future 2) I can do kind things for myself in the present and future, including only allowing people who treat me well to be in my life and caring for my body. 3) Be curious about the conditions where I find myself thinking about it. Is it when I am bored? Is it when something else has happened that was upsetting? Is it when I feel bad about myself? What is the story I am telling myself about this and how can I make it more accurate (therapy helps with this) 4) Every day that I pivot from focusing on the past to doing something kind for my future self is an a radical act of self love.

For months this meant every time I thought about it I would get up, change my scenery (walk a lap around the office building, go to another room, go around the block), move my body for a few minutes, and make a list of 5 things that day I was grateful for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This person is not worth the energy you are putting into your anger.

And that anger is giving this person a prime spot, THE prime spot, in your mental real estate, OP. In essence this person is, to put it crudely, "winning" against you, even after the abuse is long over, by taking up so much of your emotional and mental time and energy.

For those reasons, this stranger is begging you to get back into therapy, or, if you're still in therapy, to tell your therapist more fully exactly what you told us here. Maybe change therapists if you have one but for some reason aren't being this frank with the therapist as you are anonymously here. We can advise all day, and you'll get posts asking you for more and more details here "so we can help you better" etc. (often these come from people who just get kicks out of all the gory details--don't feed those beasts). But you need to see a professional to evict this person from your mind. Your life is being impaired and that gives this person power over you. I won't say, "Just stop giving this person power over you" becuase it is so hard to do that on one's own. See a new therapist, or tell your current one your whole, raw, angry truth, or restart therapy if you've stopped it, but you need help to take back your life and thoughts. You deserve to have your true self back and that cannot happen with just venting to strangers online. Please, please get help.

You don't get it. My therapist knows I feel this way. Have you ever been through this? If not, you don't get it.

And yes, I'm aware that this person is winning, that they have won. That's the whole point. No matter what I do I can never get back what they took.

Also, I'm not sharing any details here, I'm not stupid.

Allow yourself to feel this anger. You should be angry. Cry as often and as much as you need. At the anniversary, of course you will feel keenly distressed. Can you think of anything that would bring you peace regarding what happened? Sone might not like this, but is there any revenge you can obtain? Having been traumatized myself, I know the feeling of helplessness you may feel along with anger. The high road sucks, imo, but I have no means for getting revenge and I don't want to go to prison. Imagining getting back at the person who harmed me is sometimes comforting.

Imagining revenge always makes me feel worse. Because any revenge I took would turn them into a victim. And then people would support them and blame me (which is what they did when I actually was the victim!). Knowing this destroys me.

The truth is that the person who hurt me has high status and social protection and I do not and there is nothing I could do to reverse that situation. Any action I took would only serve to make me look weaker than I am.

Have you tried to find a physical outlet for your anger? When I was first treated for ptsd, I took up boxing. The physical activity helped funnel out a lot of my frustration and learning to box made me feel strong and it built my confidence. Perhaps there is some activity, some hobby, some outlet you can find which will give you a break from thinking about your experience, even if only for an hour. You could build on those neutral times and extend them. Think of something outside the box. For me, a lazy, out of shape loner, boxing was such a vast change that it helped pull me away from my troubles. I still suffer, but I have more peace than pain.

Thank you for sharing this. I don't think boxing is for me but I'll think on it. I have anxiety around physical contact in workout environments now (symptom of my PTSD) so it's been hard to find anything other than solo activities (running, doing yoga at home) to help exercise some of these feelings out.

Yeah, I hear you about the physical contact. When I was done with learning to box, I started tennis lessons. That new activity further helped me as the boxing did. I was using my brain in a different way and all the running and swinging burned my energy. It gave me a break from the pain. I even met a new friend and we started playing together once a week. We no longer play tennis, but are still friends. Try to think of something outside the box for you. Know you are not alone. Sadly, there are many of us who know how you feel.

[Anonymous]

You have clearly been a victim of narcissistic abuse and your reaction makes sense. One thing I have learned is that we don’t always see the consequences because we aren’t in their inner orbit so we assume they are just living a hunky dory life. I’ve also learned that other people figure this stuff out eventually- it just takes time. I don’t think karma always happens but I do think justice does have its way of coming back around in certain cases (think R Kelly, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, Bernie Madoff etc etc). I bet you the person who harmed you has a lot of issues and strife you don’t know about. Not that this fixes things but I find it helpful not to think of this stuff in black and white.

[Anonymous]

You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

[Anonymous]

I relate somewhat and had a few thoughts that may or may not be relevant to you. I wish you peace, or better yet justice.

1) Some of the people who appeared to side with 'him' may realize the truth, on some level at least, but are scared of becoming the next target. Nobody would stand up for you, but perhaps they don't believe you are lying or crazy.

2) I think your being the decision-maker for what sort of things might lessen your load is a good one. I wonder whether anything appeals to you as something that is worth doing. I myself have had enough therapy in my life; I prefer to find projects that hold my interest or have value.

3) Consider writing about the terribleness in fictional form. You are obviously smart and have many good points to make about it. You can give it any form (mystery, horror, novel) and ending you want. I think you'd be great at this (am ignoring the young kids, job aspect of your life).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

Stop trying to be a therapist, you are bad at it.