I cannot stop feeling so deeply angry at someone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

Stop trying to be a therapist, you are bad at it.

Nah, she wasn't being a therapist. She was just stating facts.

[Anonymous]

I was raped when I was in college. For years I could tell you how many days had passed since it happened. It wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t counting every day. I just knew. It was part of me. For years I was a wreck leading up to the anniversary, couldn’t work or function on that day. I was depressed, I had PTSD, I took medication, was extremely dangerously suicidal, was pulled out of school, was in therapy… eventually I climbed out of the darkest hole but the event still dominated my life even 10 years later.

But then at some point, I realized I didn’t freak out in anticipation of the anniversary. Only on the anniversary itself. Then came a year when it was the day after that I realized the anniversary had passed. Now, almost 30 years later, though I still think about the event more often than I’d like to, the thoughts aren’t painful. The anniversary comes and goes and I can’t remember the last time I noticed it. I don’t even think I notice it in the anniversary month.

It took so so so long to heal and be released from my feelings.

Maybe you just need more time, OP. Wishing you peace and freedom from your anger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what helped me let go of deep anger was to repeatedly interrupt the cycle of thinking about it. Seriously, when you start to think about it you need to consciously change your focus and find something to do.

When I would start to ruminate I reframed it and focused on/actively tell myself 1) I can't change what has happened in the past, but I have the opportunity to change how it affects my present and future 2) I can do kind things for myself in the present and future, including only allowing people who treat me well to be in my life and caring for my body. 3) Be curious about the conditions where I find myself thinking about it. Is it when I am bored? Is it when something else has happened that was upsetting? Is it when I feel bad about myself? What is the story I am telling myself about this and how can I make it more accurate (therapy helps with this) 4) Every day that I pivot from focusing on the past to doing something kind for my future self is an a radical act of self love.

For months this meant every time I thought about it I would get up, change my scenery (walk a lap around the office building, go to another room, go around the block), move my body for a few minutes, and make a list of 5 things that day I was grateful for.

+1 this, and the cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or maybe DBT which is sort of a stronger form of CBT.

There is that story: Grandpa says to grandchild: "I've got two wolves in my head, one is good and one is evil. They're fighting." The kid says, "Grandpa, which one will win?" Grandpa says, "The one I feed."

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I can relate in two situations in my life.

As a child, I was abused by my foster brother. This happened 35 years ago or so, and I am still "consumed" by it. Not all the time - I have a happy loving marriage, kids, career and a beautiful life. But I completely understand the notion that some things will always be with us. I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy, but really all the therapist can do is say, yes, that happened; no, that wasn't your fault and wasn't fair. The anger is still there, but it's not even anger anymore. It's just acceptance that I will always bear this thing - which I had no control over. I sometimes fantasize if my family all died in a car accident and I had nothing to live for, I'd hunt him down and murder him.

I had a very dysfunctional family life growing up but I have overcome it. A few years ago, a few family members did me DIRTY. Like, they did me really really wrong. I now have no family beyond my wonderful little husband, kids and in laws. I sometimes get angry with what those people did, but I just look at my beautiful life and remind myself, I am SO MUCH better off without mentally ill, unhappy, cruel people in my life. I am protecting my children from their influence, and that pride and sense of purpose beats out any residual anger/hurt.

Lastly, if this is a narciscist situation - I had an experience with one of those too! The good news is that no one can spot a narciscist as well as a previous victim. So take some PRIDE that you are no longer associated with this person and that your vigilance will prevent you from ever falling victim to one again.

You ARE worthy. You ARE special. I am glad you are here, and I am glad I am here, and I am proud of what we have overcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was raped when I was in college. For years I could tell you how many days had passed since it happened. It wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t counting every day. I just knew. It was part of me. For years I was a wreck leading up to the anniversary, couldn’t work or function on that day. I was depressed, I had PTSD, I took medication, was extremely dangerously suicidal, was pulled out of school, was in therapy… eventually I climbed out of the darkest hole but the event still dominated my life even 10 years later.

But then at some point, I realized I didn’t freak out in anticipation of the anniversary. Only on the anniversary itself. Then came a year when it was the day after that I realized the anniversary had passed. Now, almost 30 years later, though I still think about the event more often than I’d like to, the thoughts aren’t painful. The anniversary comes and goes and I can’t remember the last time I noticed it. I don’t even think I notice it in the anniversary month.

It took so so so long to heal and be released from my feelings.

Maybe you just need more time, OP. Wishing you peace and freedom from your anger.

OP here. Thank you so much for this, it gives me hope. I am so sorry for what you went through and still go through. Solidarity, I hope I can find similar peace in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They were abusive to me and then when I finally stood up to them, they humiliated me in a public way and people who should know better took their side and I wound up withdrawing and feeling worthless and basically have not seen any of those people since. It's been years.

I can't let go of my anger at this person. Just the layers of what they did, first taking advantage of a position of authority over me to be absuive, and then taking advantage of that some authority to humiliate me. The day that happened is the lowest point of my life and if I didn't have kids I think I would have killed myself that day.

I am coming up on an anniversary of that event and I find myself crying every day, I can't focus on work, all those feelings of worthlessness just keep coming back and it's so hard to fight them off. Yes, I have been in therapy, I have gotten treatment for this, I have tools to manage.

But I am SO ANGRY at this person for doing this to me. It feels like they targeted me because they could sense I was vulnerable. I also think when I stood up to them, they were so threatened by the truth of what I said that they went right for the jugular and verbally destroyed me in a way I still think about regularly.

I want to go to their house and scream in their face, I want to send them 10,000 postcards that say "YOU SUCK", I want to take out an ad in the paper explaining what a garbage person they were to me, I want to sue them until they don't have any money and they lose their house and CPS takes their kids away. I want to do to them what they did to me, take away their will to live and make them feel like they are nothing, less than nothing, so unworthy of respect or love that there is no point in moving forward.

I'm not going to do any of these things because I recognize it would all just come back on me, make me look crazy (I feel crazy, that's part of it, I feel crazy for having been through this and there being zero consequences for this person and for me to have to suffer all the consequences of what they did). But I want to. I just feel really, really angry and I want everyone to know what happened.

Most people would probably just shrug and say "get over it, it was a long time ago." And knowing that makes me even more angry.

I don't even think I'm looking for advice, I just needed to share HOW FREAKING ANGRY I AM about this thing that I have to walk around and act like didn't happen for the rest of my life.

I don't believe in hell but I wish it did so that I could envision this person burning in it. I think the idea of divine retribution would be a relief. But in reality they are just going to live a nice life with a supportive family and friends who will overlook this grotesque thing they did (it's too scary for them to confront it) and then die a peaceful death and people will say nice things about them at their funeral.

The world is an unjust place.

Sorry OP -
That sucks and people can be thoughtlessly cruel and get away with it.

Can you print this out and start journaling all your anger and just let it come out in safe ways so you don’t cause yourself health problems from the inner pain?

Other cathartic tactics

Buying old plates from thrift stores and smashing them into your fireplace or somewhere else that won’t hurt you or others
Writing letters to this person detailing ways she wronged you but keep it in a box you can put away and only look at when it helps you
Start some kind of exercise program where you can punch or karate chop (martial arts) but in controlled way so you also learn to control the anger however justified it is

Finally and far from least

Eventually try and forgive her or them - For your sake so you can heal.

Best wishes OP

[Anonymous]

OP-mindfulness meditation helped me. It was helpful bc a lot of it is about accepting things as is Vs trying to convince myself to feel something else. CBT only helped so much bc I can ID all the cognitive distortions but it doesn’t change how I feel. Mindfulness isn’t about changing anything (even though it eventually does, it’s not complacency). It’s about saying this is where I am right now. And it’s ok. Look into resources like 10% Happier, Tara Brach. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP. I can relate in two situations in my life.

As a child, I was abused by my foster brother. This happened 35 years ago or so, and I am still "consumed" by it. Not all the time - I have a happy loving marriage, kids, career and a beautiful life. But I completely understand the notion that some things will always be with us. I've spent thousands of dollars on therapy, but really all the therapist can do is say, yes, that happened; no, that wasn't your fault and wasn't fair. The anger is still there, but it's not even anger anymore. It's just acceptance that I will always bear this thing - which I had no control over. I sometimes fantasize if my family all died in a car accident and I had nothing to live for, I'd hunt him down and murder him.

I had a very dysfunctional family life growing up but I have overcome it. A few years ago, a few family members did me DIRTY. Like, they did me really really wrong. I now have no family beyond my wonderful little husband, kids and in laws. I sometimes get angry with what those people did, but I just look at my beautiful life and remind myself, I am SO MUCH better off without mentally ill, unhappy, cruel people in my life. I am protecting my children from their influence, and that pride and sense of purpose beats out any residual anger/hurt.

Lastly, if this is a narciscist situation - I had an experience with one of those too! The good news is that no one can spot a narciscist as well as a previous victim. So take some PRIDE that you are no longer associated with this person and that your vigilance will prevent you from ever falling victim to one again.

You ARE worthy. You ARE special. I am glad you are here, and I am glad I am here, and I am proud of what we have overcome.

OP here, and thank you. So sorry for what you have been through but thank you for the kind words and hope. I am glad I'm here too and I'm glad you are here too. Peace, friend.

[Anonymous]

I believe in hell. So for you, I will hope this person goes there. I'll hope they have to eat their least favorite food after it's dipped in puke and poop. I'll hope they sleep on spikes and are woken by an airhorn every time they fall asleep. I'll hope they get scabies.

[Anonymous]

Let it go. If you don't you will never get over it and your life will remain twisted in a never ending cycle of perpetual trauma. Don't you see ? They still have a hold on you. Don't let them have that control.
Pour all of that negative energy into something beautiful.
This is YOUR life. Only YOU can decide to be happy or dwell in the past. You cannot change others. You can change you.
When those feelings creep up, make an effort to clear your mind.
Shame the devil. Be that good person. Be what they will never be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve clearly learned to embrace being a victim within drama triangles and for this reason have maintained the stories in your head that keep you in that place. So who did you learn that from? What is it going to take to drop the stories and change your life? Because I promise you that we all have crap that’s happened in our lives. Your experience is not special. No matter how terrible your experience was, it wasn’t the worst. And we all have to choose how we manage life.

Stop trying to be a therapist, you are bad at it.

Nah, she wasn't being a therapist. She was just stating facts.

It's victim blaming pablum is what it is. There's nothing useful in that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. If you don't you will never get over it and your life will remain twisted in a never ending cycle of perpetual trauma. Don't you see ? They still have a hold on you. Don't let them have that control.
Pour all of that negative energy into something beautiful.
This is YOUR life. Only YOU can decide to be happy or dwell in the past. You cannot change others. You can change you.
When those feelings creep up, make an effort to clear your mind.
Shame the devil. Be that good person. Be what they will never be.

Just exhausting that we're on page 6 and people are still saying this stuff.

Why are people so convinced I am holding onto this on purpose??? Why? I would forget it all tomorrow if I could. The anger visits me. It comes to me. I have spent years in therapy, meditating, forrest bathing, whatever the heck I could come up with or research to try and "let it go." The memories return and the anger comes.

I don't need people threatening me with "if you don't let it go terrible things will happen to you." Thanks? Terrible things already happened to me. This is not some grudge I'm clutching in my hands like it's the one ring.

Like you actually wrote "make an effort to clear your mind"!!! Lord. I have been meditating close to daily for YEARS to deal with this. Making an effort to clear my mind is a daily practice and one of the reasons I'm employed and functional. It doesn't make the anger go away, it just keeps it at bay.

Y'all just do not understand what I'm dealing with here.

[Anonymous]

Wow OP. Our particulars are surely different but I could have written your post.

I've worked hard as hell to move beyond it. In my case, it involved my family. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let it go. If you don't you will never get over it and your life will remain twisted in a never ending cycle of perpetual trauma. Don't you see ? They still have a hold on you. Don't let them have that control.
Pour all of that negative energy into something beautiful.
This is YOUR life. Only YOU can decide to be happy or dwell in the past. You cannot change others. You can change you.
When those feelings creep up, make an effort to clear your mind.
Shame the devil. Be that good person. Be what they will never be.

Just exhausting that we're on page 6 and people are still saying this stuff.

Why are people so convinced I am holding onto this on purpose??? Why? I would forget it all tomorrow if I could. The anger visits me. It comes to me. I have spent years in therapy, meditating, forrest bathing, whatever the heck I could come up with or research to try and "let it go." The memories return and the anger comes.

I don't need people threatening me with "if you don't let it go terrible things will happen to you." Thanks? Terrible things already happened to me. This is not some grudge I'm clutching in my hands like it's the one ring.

Like you actually wrote "make an effort to clear your mind"!!! Lord. I have been meditating close to daily for YEARS to deal with this. Making an effort to clear my mind is a daily practice and one of the reasons I'm employed and functional. It doesn't make the anger go away, it just keeps it at bay.

Y'all just do not understand what I'm dealing with here.

I understand, OP. And that's why I haven't provided any advice. I'm really sorry that you're going through this.
The only relief is a hope in hell or in reincarnation.
Sometimes there is a bit of peace in just acknowledging that the pain you're experiencing will never go away.

[Anonymous]

Are you the poster whose professor said graphic design isn't for you?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1110775.page