My wife is furious with me for not standing up for her when my brother told her off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy and unbelievable. I don't blame anyone for thinking that. Here is the thing my wife and I have been together for 7 years. This is not some brief relationship where I lost my head and rushed into marriage. In hindsight I guess we should have waited longer to combine households. This was never an issue before we got married. My daughter likes her stepmom and she has so little interaction with my stepkids it never crossed my mind this would be an issue. You guys are kind of scaring me with all the divorce talk. I said the marriage was doomed out of frustration not because I actually want a divorce. I know I need to talk to my brother about what he said about not liking the kids but I can't defend my wife and her actions. As for paying for college my daughter has a 529 college savings account which is fully funded. My wife and her ex husband are responsible for paying for their kids college and unfortunately they will have to take out loans. This was discussed before we got married and it was agreed we are responsible for taking care of our own kids. We keep finances separate. As far as vacations go my daughter will always be invited. I guess seeing a therapist is the answer.

Why did you marry this woman again?

You know you need to talk to your brother but ran here first.

How do you love someone and not their kids? You are a loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy and unbelievable. I don't blame anyone for thinking that. Here is the thing my wife and I have been together for 7 years. This is not some brief relationship where I lost my head and rushed into marriage. In hindsight I guess we should have waited longer to combine households. This was never an issue before we got married. My daughter likes her stepmom and she has so little interaction with my stepkids it never crossed my mind this would be an issue. You guys are kind of scaring me with all the divorce talk. I said the marriage was doomed out of frustration not because I actually want a divorce. I know I need to talk to my brother about what he said about not liking the kids but I can't defend my wife and her actions. As for paying for college my daughter has a 529 college savings account which is fully funded. My wife and her ex husband are responsible for paying for their kids college and unfortunately they will have to take out loans. This was discussed before we got married and it was agreed we are responsible for taking care of our own kids. We keep finances separate. As far as vacations go my daughter will always be invited. I guess seeing a therapist is the answer.

Why did you marry this woman again?

You know you need to talk to your brother but ran here first.

How do you love someone and not their kids? You are a loser.

I mean it doesn’t sound like mom loves her kids very much either so I don’t hold that part against OP.

[Anonymous]

If we women want to be seen as big and tough and assertive and independent people, then we cannot hide behind our man when words are said to us. Men don't hide behind other men, after all. They stand up for themselves, by themselves. If women want to be like men, then we need to stand up for ourselves without our man stepping in. We need to speak for ourselves. It is not up to a man to do it for us anymore, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this sounds crazy and unbelievable. I don't blame anyone for thinking that. Here is the thing my wife and I have been together for 7 years. This is not some brief relationship where I lost my head and rushed into marriage. In hindsight I guess we should have waited longer to combine households. This was never an issue before we got married. My daughter likes her stepmom and she has so little interaction with my stepkids it never crossed my mind this would be an issue. You guys are kind of scaring me with all the divorce talk. I said the marriage was doomed out of frustration not because I actually want a divorce. I know I need to talk to my brother about what he said about not liking the kids but I can't defend my wife and her actions. As for paying for college my daughter has a 529 college savings account which is fully funded. My wife and her ex husband are responsible for paying for their kids college and unfortunately they will have to take out loans. This was discussed before we got married and it was agreed we are responsible for taking care of our own kids. We keep finances separate. As far as vacations go my daughter will always be invited. I guess seeing a therapist is the answer.

Why did you marry this woman again?

You know you need to talk to your brother but ran here first.

How do you love someone and not their kids? You are a loser.

I mean it doesn’t sound like mom loves her kids very much either so I don’t hold that part against OP.

The wife is not posting here. OP is

[Anonymous]

Could we stop calling his daughter the princess? She doesn’t sound princess, she’s just lucky to have a wealthy aunt and uncle who take her in trips, probably to offset the fact that she has to share her home with 3 teens she hates so much she can’t even be home at the same time as them. The princess ones are the step daughters. And the wife, most of all.

OP glad you love her but what do you see in her?

[Anonymous]

Hope OPs daughter is planning to take care of her dad and step mother in their old age because I foresee a lot of missed holidays and visits from the daughters being left behind.

Um...no. even if the wife's kids opt out of her life and that of her new husband--assuming they stay together--stepmom is setting up a situation in which stepdaughter isn't going to take care of her either. Seriously, if the H's daughter is aware that her stepmother demanded she miss a great trip unless 3 step siblings she doesn't care for are invited to come along on a trip with HER aunt and uncle, you think she's going to take care of the stepmother in her old age? Fat chance!!!!

Pretend for a moment that wife's Ex-H wanted to take his 3 daughters on a vacation. Is he obligated to include his ex=H's stepdaughter along? Of course not!

Wife is being absurd.

You know what H's brother's big mistake was? Giving the 3 brats nice Christmas presents. I think there's a good chance wife has blown that and in the future he and his wife may limit gift giving to their niece.

[Anonymous]

You really need to figure this out quickly bc with college coming up for the older girls, it’s only going to get worse. Your dd has a fully funded 529 and gets to go wherever she wants. The other girls are going to have to take out loans. They may get merit aid if they apply strategically but…not making any assumptions. In any event, I don’t have recent experience with financial aid and I know it’s changed since I was in school (decades ago) but I believe op as stepdad will have his income pulled into the equation. I can see his wife whining that they would have gotten more aid but for his income and ask him to kick in towards her girls’ college expenses. Beware op. You had discussed your brother and sil’s trips and she completely disregarded what you told her. I would not expect her to uphold the bargain for separate finances for college. She will think it’s unfair for her kids to have loans while your dd will not have any. If this is how you want to live your life, go ahead. If not, this will be your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we women want to be seen as big and tough and assertive and independent people, then we cannot hide behind our man when words are said to us. Men don't hide behind other men, after all. They stand up for themselves, by themselves. If women want to be like men, then we need to stand up for ourselves without our man stepping in. We need to speak for ourselves. It is not up to a man to do it for us anymore, right?

She is not hiding behind this shadow of a man.
She could speak loud and clear and tell OP that the BIL is not welcome in her house. If OP disagrees, he will bring his brother around. What happens then?

She was wrong but his brother professing hate for her children is way out of line. And OP is a cretin for not seeing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to figure this out quickly bc with college coming up for the older girls, it’s only going to get worse. Your dd has a fully funded 529 and gets to go wherever she wants. The other girls are going to have to take out loans. They may get merit aid if they apply strategically but…not making any assumptions. In any event, I don’t have recent experience with financial aid and I know it’s changed since I was in school (decades ago) but I believe op as stepdad will have his income pulled into the equation. I can see his wife whining that they would have gotten more aid but for his income and ask him to kick in towards her girls’ college expenses. Beware op. You had discussed your brother and sil’s trips and she completely disregarded what you told her. I would not expect her to uphold the bargain for separate finances for college. She will think it’s unfair for her kids to have loans while your dd will not have any. If this is how you want to live your life, go ahead. If not, this will be your life.

This is why I hope this is a troll. Children of a single mother would have gotten financial aid. Meanwhile these three get a lifetime of debt because their mother couldn’t wait four more years to marry the guy she’d been sleeping with for seven years already?

[Anonymous]

Your brother and his wife are under no obligation to take your step kids on vacation.

If you had two biological kids and they always only took one of them and never the other, that isn’t fair but your situation is not that.

#teambrother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really need to figure this out quickly bc with college coming up for the older girls, it’s only going to get worse. Your dd has a fully funded 529 and gets to go wherever she wants. The other girls are going to have to take out loans. They may get merit aid if they apply strategically but…not making any assumptions. In any event, I don’t have recent experience with financial aid and I know it’s changed since I was in school (decades ago) but I believe op as stepdad will have his income pulled into the equation. I can see his wife whining that they would have gotten more aid but for his income and ask him to kick in towards her girls’ college expenses. Beware op. You had discussed your brother and sil’s trips and she completely disregarded what you told her. I would not expect her to uphold the bargain for separate finances for college. She will think it’s unfair for her kids to have loans while your dd will not have any. If this is how you want to live your life, go ahead. If not, this will be your life.

100% this. Nip this in the bud now or this will be an issue again with college. She clearly has no problem going back on what you agreed to prior to marriage. RED FLAG.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I (42m) have been married to my wife (39f) for 6 months. I have a daughter (17) and she has 3 daughters aged (14, 16 & 18). My daughter has a car and comes and goes between my house and her moms as she pleases. My wifes kids live with us 50% of the time. I am not a father figure to my wifes kids and she is not a mother figure to my daughter. I am their friend and they call me by my first name. I have a good relationship with them and my daughter and wife get along for the most part. My daughter does not get along with her step siblings but has her own room and is hardly ever home so they don't cross paths very often. She usually stays over when they are with their dad.

I have a brother (40m) and SIL (40f) and are child free. They don’t like kids but my daughter is the exception. They spend quite a bit of time with her and they have taken her on trips all over the world. She has been traveling with them since she was 5. Some of these trips last 4-6 weeks during the summer. My ex wife and I miss her like crazy but there is no way we would deprive her of these life changing experiences.

My wife and I were together for a few years before we got married so she was familiar with these trips and how my brother feels about kids. He gets her kids nice gifts for Christmas but has made no effort to get to know them beyond pleasantries and has no plans to take it beyond that.

After we got married my wife started to tell me it was not right that my daughter would go on these exotic trips and her kids were not included. I tried to shut this down right away and reminded her that she has known about these trips for years and my brother is under no obligation to take her kids. I also warned her not to bring this up to him directly because he would hurt her feelings. I tried to be as kind as possible but I told her this was not even a topic for discussion. I was not going to alienate my kid so her daughters would not be jealous. We had that conversation last November. I thought this topic had been dropped but it reared it’s ugly head again.

My SIL messaged me and my ex wife some dates for two trips they in the process of planning. One of the places they are going is to Dubai.

When my step daughters found out about Dubai there was a total meltdown. I’m not talking about just crying but whaling. The 18 year old threw an old fashion temper tantrum. She is on instagram and is trying to grow her page and I guess Dubai is popular place for influencers on Instagram.. My wife was so upset and kept going see see see. What did she want me to do??. She said either my brother take all of them or none of them. I said that was not happening. It was a very intense argument and I flat out told her my brother does not care about her kids like that. Even if I told him my daughter could not go he would never travel with them. My daughter is going end of story and they are going to have to accept it.

I thought that was it but my wife went behind my back and confronted my brother and texted him and asked him why he never took her kids anywhere that it was not fair. He replied “I don’t like your kids and I don’t like you either. Don’t message me again with your bullshit.” She asked me what I was going to do about it. I said nothing. She was acting more entitled than her daughters and embarrassed me.

Now my wife is furious I did not defend her honor and “allowed” my brother to disrespect her and her kids. I warned her last November that my brother would hurt her feelings and that is exactly what happened. I can’t control him. This is causing some real issues though. I've been sleeping in the guest bedroom for the last week. I feel like this marriage is doomed. Any advice?

I like your brother. Your wife got exactly what she was looking for, you told her to leave it alone. Some people have to learn the hard way though.

[Anonymous]

I need more stories about your wife, she’s nuts!

I love your brother’s response, that’s the only kind of response she deserves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is why I would never be in a relationship with step kids involved. I am not putting my kids through this chaos.

I am the kind of person who would treat all kids in a house exactly the same regardless of whether I love them or not.

But I know few people will. So my kids would never be in that scenario. Their home will always be their sanctuary, and anyone who does not like them is not welcome here.

Your BIL does not get to say that he does not like your wife's kids. Thst part is going too far. I wouldn't blame her for not wanting him in her house.

Yes, your wife was being unreasonable. And her kids were wrong, but jealousy dies happen with children living in the same house.

That grown man can say whatever he likes. Now, the recipient doesn't have to like it but no one can tell an adult what they can and cannot say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most of the responses above are super catty and unhelpful.

Op:

1) your wife and her daughters are so far out of line it’s incredible. Your stance on her daughters not being entitled to expensive international trips x 3 from your brother is 100% correct. Your brother is not playing favorites, he is supporting his niece and what he’s doing is generous and totally fine and I’m stunned the other kids would ask and even more stunned your wife would not immediately set them straight.
2) your brother is 100% correct that your wife was insane to ask for this. However, his response even if totally honest and in the nose, was gratuitously harsh and not conducive to family harmony or respectful of your new spouse, family or situation. Your wife totally got what she deserved. But, your brother by disrespecting your wife also disrespected your family and that is not okay. You should say something to him to the effect of, I agree that her request is inappropriate but so was your reply.
3) it’s not too late to fix this with your wife. Talk to your brother first and then tell her. However, do not budge an inch on the issue of him taking her kids bc you are right and she is wrong and you have to get her to grow up in this and probably many other things.
4) I don’t think it’s okay that your daughter feels she can’t even be home when the stepsons are there. It’s her home too. The work of your family will be to try to not have parallel universes. Although given their ages that might not be possible anymore.

Their mom has likely been complaining to them about these trips and helped foster this response and behavior. I can see being envious and wanting to go I do not see throwing a shitfit about a trip you were never going to be invited to join.