How do families pay for aging parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

It must be nice to be born with a silver spoon/grave, you're fortunate that your parents planned ahead, one less thing to worry about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

It must be nice to be born with a silver spoon/grave, you're fortunate that your parents planned ahead, one less thing to worry about.

Money is a key ingredient for planning ahead. Yes, some parents do have the means and still manage to blow through their money by the time they hit the last quarter of their lives. Many people, however, work hard and are still barely manage to keep a roof over their head and food on the table let alone then a grave plot below them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Hospice doesn't do this as easily as one may think. Most end of life is dying in place. The only people I know now who move to a hospice center have great (and no longer available) LTC policies and/or are of substantial means.

I don't get how she wasn't able to remain at her regular nursing home: What got bad? They ran out of money? I'm not familiar with someone being moved when in the end of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Hospice doesn't do this as easily as one may think. Most end of life is dying in place. The only people I know now who move to a hospice center have great (and no longer available) LTC policies and/or are of substantial means.

I don't get how she wasn't able to remain at her regular nursing home: What got bad? They ran out of money? I'm not familiar with someone being moved when in the end of life.

She ran out of money and needed more intensive care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

So many things can change between the time someone is a baby and death. What if the baby grows up and converts to a religion/adopts cultural beliefs that require something different with the burial?
What if the baby grows up and joins the military and wants to be buried in a National cemetery?
What if the baby grows up and gets married and then it's the spouses right to determine what happens, and the spouse might not want her buried in this plot the family purchased.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Do you still have this whole life insurance as an adult, with the premium paid for by your parents? I'm curious how much it costs now since whole life premiums tend to increase with age right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

I’ll add to my above post, I think it’s difficult for people that come from families that are prepared for retirement to understand the alternatives. And good for them! It stinks being someone’s back-up plan,

I’d advise OP…do NOT spend your retirement and kids’ college savings in this relative. You’re just perpetuating inter generational financial dysfunction. Wait until the relative goes to the hospital, refuse to pick them up, then a social worker will place them. You can help them with logistics and quality of life issues after that. Do NOT start financial support.

This sounds harsh and I also get this. I was advised to do this, but didn't want to have to get to this point. In both instances, our parents were referred to rehab after their hospitalization. And in both times, it was clear they were no longer able to live at home (my dad with my mom as he was largely immobile and my mom couldn't remain on her own).

It's really hard.

I’m the PP and I know it sounds harsh. But honestly, when you’re faced with depleting your own retirement and greatly affecting your children’s future…it’s best to make the hard choices early rather than subject your kids to the same fate. It stinks. It really does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Because they probably didn't know how long it would last. DH had an older relative who was given weeks to live and they did the in-home hospice, and then he lived another 18 months. They had the resources to pay for it but if you don't that can wipe out someone's finances pretty quickly.

My maternal grandmother had LTC insurance plus a pension and life insurance from my grandfather (who passed away 30 years before she did) and yeah, obviously it made everything easier. My paternal grandparents had very little resources and it just got a point where part-time help for them at home (paid for by my dad and his siblings) just wasn't enough to care for my ailing grandmother anymore. They had a bit of flexibility though in terms of the time and location so were able to wait until a medicaid bed at a relatively nicer facility opened up. Unfortunately elder care just kinda sucks all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

PP, yes, this can be the case. FWIW, the petty PP was making a blanket statement and I was responding directly to that.

It must be very hard to see a parent do this. What is his status now?

Thank you for your post and I apologize if I misunderstood. We sibling and I were able to find a great low-income independent living facility. Low rent, so he pays for that…we cover other expenses. If he can’t care for himself he’ll have to go to a Medicaid facility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

I’ll add to my above post, I think it’s difficult for people that come from families that are prepared for retirement to understand the alternatives. And good for them! It stinks being someone’s back-up plan,

I’d advise OP…do NOT spend your retirement and kids’ college savings in this relative. You’re just perpetuating inter generational financial dysfunction. Wait until the relative goes to the hospital, refuse to pick them up, then a social worker will place them. You can help them with logistics and quality of life issues after that. Do NOT start financial support.

This sounds harsh and I also get this. I was advised to do this, but didn't want to have to get to this point. In both instances, our parents were referred to rehab after their hospitalization. And in both times, it was clear they were no longer able to live at home (my dad with my mom as he was largely immobile and my mom couldn't remain on her own).

It's really hard.

I’m the PP and I know it sounds harsh. But honestly, when you’re faced with depleting your own retirement and greatly affecting your children’s future…it’s best to make the hard choices early rather than subject your kids to the same fate. It stinks. It really does.

Agree. I'm the PP. I was just fortunate that health crises for both of them forced SNFs to accept them. Now that I better understand, I may have tried to move our mom before her health crisis, paid down her assets, then applied for Medicaid as there was enough money remaining for a couple of years of care. She really need eyes on her as well as the socialization.

It's a little similar to paying for college - don't risk your retirement on your kids' college educations. I sadly know too many people who cashed out accounts/signed loans. Their kids are working, but not enough to replenish what was spent.

GL to you and your family as it really does stink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Do you still have this whole life insurance as an adult, with the premium paid for by your parents? I'm curious how much it costs now since whole life premiums tend to increase with age right?

It's paid for. I am not paying additional premiums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

So many things can change between the time someone is a baby and death. What if the baby grows up and converts to a religion/adopts cultural beliefs that require something different with the burial?
What if the baby grows up and joins the military and wants to be buried in a National cemetery?
What if the baby grows up and gets married and then it's the spouses right to determine what happens, and the spouse might not want her buried in this plot the family purchased.

Nevertheless, it is a nice option to have a plot next to your ancestors. At any given day in my marriage, I'd rather be burred next to my parents, grandparents and great grandparents than my spouse. What a weird tangent we went on here, though!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

Least helpful response in the history of DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Really? Have you ever been in this situation?

If you've never been faced with taking in a relative with dementia or Alzheimers, maybe don't offer advice, k?