How do families pay for aging parents?

[Anonymous]

someone asked about home equity. In VA and - I believe - a lot of other states home equity isn't a factor for eligibility (perhaps there's a threshold?). But the state will come after that equity after the medicaid beneficiary dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

Lol, this is the strangest thing I’ve heard. Although fantastic! (I guess?)

I honestly thought this was standard. I was SHOCKED in my mid 20's when a friend's relative died and she talked about people giving donations. I was like "Donations for what?" and she said, "To pay for the funeral, the cemetery plot, etc." I had to call my parents to ask questions.

Poor twentysomething Muffy was SHOCKED to learn about The Poors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:someone asked about home equity. In VA and - I believe - a lot of other states home equity isn't a factor for eligibility (perhaps there's a threshold?). But the state will come after that equity after the medicaid beneficiary dies.

I'm not familiar with this. My dad went into a SNF first after a fall and rehab was unsuccessful. We had to spend down the assets and my mom was able to remain in the home as as the "community spouse." Once our mom moved into a SNF, we spent down the remaining assets and put the house on the market. We were lucky - the housing market had been in a prolonged downturn after the 2008 financial crisis. It had just started to pick up about six months earlier, however, and it was in an area where young parents were looking for homes. We then spent those assets down and began the Medicaid application in the waning months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I WISH my father had 100k.
I just had to order mine groceries because he has no money for food.

I hear you. I buy groceries for my dad every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I WISH my father had 100k.
I just had to order mine groceries because he has no money for food.

I hear you. I buy groceries for my dad every week.

What about helping him get food stamps? Just curious because I see things going in this direction with a relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I WISH my father had 100k.
I just had to order mine groceries because he has no money for food.

I hear you. I buy groceries for my dad every week.

What about helping him get food stamps? Just curious because I see things going in this direction with a relative.

I need to do this. He’ll qualify. I’m just drowning in other responsibilities and haven’t been able to get to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:someone asked about home equity. In VA and - I believe - a lot of other states home equity isn't a factor for eligibility (perhaps there's a threshold?). But the state will come after that equity after the medicaid beneficiary dies.

I'm not familiar with this. My dad went into a SNF first after a fall and rehab was unsuccessful. We had to spend down the assets and my mom was able to remain in the home as as the "community spouse." Once our mom moved into a SNF, we spent down the remaining assets and put the house on the market. We were lucky - the housing market had been in a prolonged downturn after the 2008 financial crisis. It had just started to pick up about six months earlier, however, and it was in an area where young parents were looking for homes. We then spent those assets down and began the Medicaid application in the waning months.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-virginia/

"  While one’s home is usually exempt from Medicaid’s asset limit, it is not exempt from Medicaid’s estate recovery program. Following a long-term care Medicaid beneficiary’s death, Virginia’s Medicaid agency attempts reimbursement of care costs through whatever estate of the deceased still remains. This is often the home. Without proper planning strategies in place, the home will be used to reimburse Medicaid for providing care rather than going to family as inheritance. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

I’ll add to my above post, I think it’s difficult for people that come from families that are prepared for retirement to understand the alternatives. And good for them! It stinks being someone’s back-up plan,

I’d advise OP…do NOT spend your retirement and kids’ college savings in this relative. You’re just perpetuating inter generational financial dysfunction. Wait until the relative goes to the hospital, refuse to pick them up, then a social worker will place them. You can help them with logistics and quality of life issues after that. Do NOT start financial support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular american people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:someone asked about home equity. In VA and - I believe - a lot of other states home equity isn't a factor for eligibility (perhaps there's a threshold?). But the state will come after that equity after the medicaid beneficiary dies.

I'm not familiar with this. My dad went into a SNF first after a fall and rehab was unsuccessful. We had to spend down the assets and my mom was able to remain in the home as as the "community spouse." Once our mom moved into a SNF, we spent down the remaining assets and put the house on the market. We were lucky - the housing market had been in a prolonged downturn after the 2008 financial crisis. It had just started to pick up about six months earlier, however, and it was in an area where young parents were looking for homes. We then spent those assets down and began the Medicaid application in the waning months.

https://www.medicaidplanningassistance.org/medicaid-eligibility-virginia/

"  While one’s home is usually exempt from Medicaid’s asset limit, it is not exempt from Medicaid’s estate recovery program. Following a long-term care Medicaid beneficiary’s death, Virginia’s Medicaid agency attempts reimbursement of care costs through whatever estate of the deceased still remains. This is often the home. Without proper planning strategies in place, the home will be used to reimburse Medicaid for providing care rather than going to family as inheritance. "

Well, that's not what we did. We didn't try to hide the asset. We sold it and used the proceeds to cover our mom's care until she qualified for Medicaid. So yeah, the state will come after the house if it wasn't used during private pay.

Look, I think this is complicated for a lot of reasons, especially when an adult child has given up their job, moved into the family home, and took care of the parents, only to be later forced out when the state seizes the home to reimburse for care costs. That really sucks to be perfectly blunt as this often happens to women, who are usually of an age where it is difficult to return to the work force.

The people who can usually protect these kinds of assets are people who can afford lawyers, estate planning, etc. Most people who end up in long-term care Medicaid do not have the resources to do that. It also reminds me of the kids I knew in HS/college with parents who hid or shielded assets and they were receiving better financial aid than me while living in their 4 BR/3 BA house in a nice suburb while we were in our rickety 3 BR/1 BA farmhouse with 6 kids. I worked in the business office so I knew every single student's family income/status. This wasn't hard to figure out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

I’ll add to my above post, I think it’s difficult for people that come from families that are prepared for retirement to understand the alternatives. And good for them! It stinks being someone’s back-up plan,

I’d advise OP…do NOT spend your retirement and kids’ college savings in this relative. You’re just perpetuating inter generational financial dysfunction. Wait until the relative goes to the hospital, refuse to pick them up, then a social worker will place them. You can help them with logistics and quality of life issues after that. Do NOT start financial support.

This sounds harsh and I also get this. I was advised to do this, but didn't want to have to get to this point. In both instances, our parents were referred to rehab after their hospitalization. And in both times, it was clear they were no longer able to live at home (my dad with my mom as he was largely immobile and my mom couldn't remain on her own).

It's really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

PP, yes, this can be the case. FWIW, the petty PP was making a blanket statement and I was responding directly to that.

It must be very hard to see a parent do this. What is his status now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is in a nursing home paid for by Medicaid. The requirements for Medicaid vary by state and I am not sure how they would determine residency for your dad, but they may go by the state of the nursing home he is in, since he would be living in the nursing home.

In Virginia, where my MIL is, the eligibility criteria are a maximum income that is 300% of the SSI amount for an individual (which would equal about $2700/month in 2023) and no more than $2000 in assets. So if your dad’s pension + social security puts him above $2700/month, I am not sure if Medicaid becomes an option.

In my MIL’s case, she met the income requirement (only social security, no pension) and had about $20k in assets when she had a hospital stay that led to nursing home care. We put some of that into a funeral trust, which is an allowable way to spend down assets, and then paid for the nursing home privately out of her funds until she was below the $2000 line. In the month we applied, we paid the nursing home less than the monthly cost until she was below $2000 and they were able to get the rest from Medicaid. So when your parent’s assets are high, that is what you do—you private pay until they qualify for Medicaid, and possibly talk to a lawyer about how to protect some of their assets if there are a lot. We did not talk to a lawyer because my MIL did not have much, and the funeral trust took care of nearly all of it.

To the person who posted all this -- thank you.
Thank you for explaining how it all works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

My parents bought cemetery plots in their 60's. Then they moved across the country a few years later. After my parents died, I gave the deeds for the cemetery plots to a relative who lives near the plots.
To me, buying cemetery plots when they are just kids kind of implies that you expect them to never move out of their hometown. For their entire lives.