How do families pay for aging parents?

[Anonymous]

If he served time in the military he can get some VA benefits for his care. Also, many states or counties will issue you a monthly check if you agree to care for your parent at home.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

You are petty, petty, petty. People can work hard their whole lives and still not have enough money for "this eventuality," especially if they live long lives.

Fortunately, OP has plenty of people here to support her and not engage in your shaming.

NP. My dad is in this position and it’s entirely his own doing. It often is.

I’ll add to my above post, I think it’s difficult for people that come from families that are prepared for retirement to understand the alternatives. And good for them! It stinks being someone’s back-up plan,

I’d advise OP…do NOT spend your retirement and kids’ college savings in this relative. You’re just perpetuating inter generational financial dysfunction. Wait until the relative goes to the hospital, refuse to pick them up, then a social worker will place them. You can help them with logistics and quality of life issues after that. Do NOT start financial support.

This sounds harsh and I also get this. I was advised to do this, but didn't want to have to get to this point. In both instances, our parents were referred to rehab after their hospitalization. And in both times, it was clear they were no longer able to live at home (my dad with my mom as he was largely immobile and my mom couldn't remain on her own).

It's really hard.

I’m the PP and I know it sounds harsh. But honestly, when you’re faced with depleting your own retirement and greatly affecting your children’s future…it’s best to make the hard choices early rather than subject your kids to the same fate. It stinks. It really does.

Agree. I'm the PP. I was just fortunate that health crises for both of them forced SNFs to accept them. Now that I better understand, I may have tried to move our mom before her health crisis, paid down her assets, then applied for Medicaid as there was enough money remaining for a couple of years of care. She really need eyes on her as well as the socialization.

It's a little similar to paying for college - don't risk your retirement on your kids' college educations. I sadly know too many people who cashed out accounts/signed loans. Their kids are working, but not enough to replenish what was spent.

GL to you and your family as it really does stink.

I wish you the best as well.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

seriously, who does this? like are you some ethnic subculture? Regular American people don't do this. I'm fascinated.

Meh. I'm a regular American and my middle class parents bought me whole life insurance when I was a baby. It's 50k, so enough to pay for a funeral. I know lots of people who have small amounts of whole life insurance like that.

All of my relatives purchase their cemetery plots when they retire. My grandparents picked out the cemetery, casket and everything. So did DH's grandparents in their rust belt town.

DH's grandma was in a medicaid nursing home and it... was not nice. There were 3 beds to a room, it smelled bad and it was basically a hospital like room. Nothing homey about it like a normal nursing home. She was only there a few weeks and luckily could afford her regular nursing home until it got bad. I was surprised my inlaws didn't take her home and get hospice to pay for a bed to be setup in their house. I'd only let my relative go to something like that if they were a vegetable and didn't know it.

Really? Have you ever been in this situation?

If you've never been faced with taking in a relative with dementia or Alzheimers, maybe don't offer advice, k?

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I WISH my father had 100k.
I just had to order mine groceries because he has no money for food.

Can you get him Meals On Wheels delivered on a regular basis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to say that I WISH my father had 100k.
I just had to order mine groceries because he has no money for food.

Can you get him Meals On Wheels delivered on a regular basis?

I’m not the PP you’re responding to, but am the other one who buys food for her dad. My dad wouldn’t eat food from Meals on Wheels. He’s very picky about what he eats. Almost OCD. It started with older age. He also talks about food constantly. It’s usually never easy in these situations. Lots of complicated situations.

[Anonymous]

You need an elder law attorney. It is worth the money to get one for them to advise you how to handle this situation. It is so tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

Lol, this is the strangest thing I’ve heard. Although fantastic! (I guess?)

What if you don't want to be buried, or don't want to be buried in what I assume is some creepy family plot? What if those babies grow into adults with options and their own partners? What if those kids grow up and live their whole adult lives elsewhere and have zero interest in "being buried" back in some state that means nothing to them? The PP's family situation is very bizarre and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

How comforting for those babies. Do the parents take out large life insurance policies on them - just in case?

Taking out life insurance on kids is a thing very wealthy people do because it is dirt cheap to acquire relatively) and then their future loved ones will have coverage. I have some super rich family members (as in looking for places to put their money since they have so much) and they did that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In our family, people save for this eventuality and hope it doesn't happen. If it does, they have the money for it, and if it doesn't then that money goes to their kids. Same with deaths - my cemetery plot and headstone were paid for when I was a baby. My nephew and niece are 7 and 3 and theirs' are too.

Op here - well that is great! I totally wish my in laws did that but my MIL had a long protracted early illnesss (in which she died from) and they literally spent all their money taking care of her. So there is nothing left for FIL care

The “I’m better than you” attitude from that PP is so typical of DC area people

[Anonymous]

Well, I grew up working class in an area far less wealthy than DMV. Most people don't live long enough for elder care to be remotely an issue. We had plenty of intergenerational living to start with, but people worked hard in physical jobs, had lots of lifestyle diseases, and living to 70+ was fairly unusual. Those who do live that long stay busy caring for children in the family and working and I suspect that keeps them from getting actually feeble.

[Anonymous]

The whole buying burial plots and getting whole life insurance to pay for funeral costs of infants is such a scam. It totally preys on the fears of the financially illiterate.

[Anonymous]

My parents have plenty of savings and long term care insurance.

I’ll probably just tell my own kids to put me out of my misery when my time comes.