Feel like a fish out of water in Vienna

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I moved from DC to Vienna three years ago for more space (and also because my work moved completely remote). I thought that the tight-knit sense of community would appeal to me and my two kids (late elementary school), but that hasn’t really been the case.

I feel like a fish out of water. I’m a single mom, and already I feel like that separates me from the family-oriented nature of Vienna. I also don’t really fit into the suburban soccer mom stereotype that Vienna is known for. I’m not super interested in playing politics with my neighbors. I’m pretty vocal about social injustice and I curse a lot — I don’t really buy into the “don’t rock the boat” ethos around me.

The competitive nature of the other parents and the Type A pressure cooker of the schools also concern me. I’m a psychologist and I’ve seen WAY too many teens in this area break down because of the intense pressure, and I sometimes feel like I should’ve chosen a “lower performing” school that doesn’t have the relentless pressure to succeed.

The tightly-wound nature of the other parents bother me, and sometimes they make comments about how I’m not “pushing” my kids by putting them in travel sports or extra academic enrichment. It just seems like most of the people around me are Type A rule-following lawyers, which feels really weird as someone who spent my teens and twenties going to punk shows and making lots of (bad) art…

And the conservatism of the area is unsettling. I don’t really find any Trump supporters/far-right people in the area, but there is a general social conservatism and intense conformity that feels uncomfortable.

Is this just what living in the suburbs is like? Or is it intensified in Vienna? Is there another NoVa/Moco/DC neighborhood where parents like me congregate?

You sound snarky and insecure. Also sounds like you should move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to rock the boat but also want everyone to like me.

What a narcissit.

I find people who characterize or conceive of themselves as too honest for other people to handle are often just idiot loudmouths.

Not sure what place would be a good fit for a personality like that.

I don't think OP expects everyone to like her. I think she probably wants some people to like her and not to rush to exclude her because she can be outspoken and opinionated at times.

That sort of stuff can just be the kiss of death in Vienna. It sounds like you either have no idea how quickly Vienna parents can ostracize someone who doesn't fit the mold or are one of those folks.

Yeah, maybe you're right. I don't live in Vienna. I just think that people who are proud of rocking the boat are often too self absorbed to see why that legitimately bothers other people. That's not going to be popular anywhere, putting aside any issues specific to Vienna.

+100 This is not a “Vienna” problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I moved from DC to Vienna three years ago for more space (and also because my work moved completely remote). I thought that the tight-knit sense of community would appeal to me and my two kids (late elementary school), but that hasn’t really been the case.

I feel like a fish out of water. I’m a single mom, and already I feel like that separates me from the family-oriented nature of Vienna. I also don’t really fit into the suburban soccer mom stereotype that Vienna is known for. I’m not super interested in playing politics with my neighbors. I’m pretty vocal about social injustice and I curse a lot — I don’t really buy into the “don’t rock the boat” ethos around me.

The competitive nature of the other parents and the Type A pressure cooker of the schools also concern me. I’m a psychologist and I’ve seen WAY too many teens in this area break down because of the intense pressure, and I sometimes feel like I should’ve chosen a “lower performing” school that doesn’t have the relentless pressure to succeed.

The tightly-wound nature of the other parents bother me, and sometimes they make comments about how I’m not “pushing” my kids by putting them in travel sports or extra academic enrichment. It just seems like most of the people around me are Type A rule-following lawyers, which feels really weird as someone who spent my teens and twenties going to punk shows and making lots of (bad) art…

And the conservatism of the area is unsettling. I don’t really find any Trump supporters/far-right people in the area, but there is a general social conservatism and intense conformity that feels uncomfortable.

Is this just what living in the suburbs is like? Or is it intensified in Vienna? Is there another NoVa/Moco/DC neighborhood where parents like me congregate?

OP, this is Vienna. We live in the Va suburbs and specifically did not look in Vienna because we were already familiar with the politics and feel of the city. It has a type. Yes, it's full of the new construction homes, good schools, and other amenities, but it is a notably conservative red dot in an otherwise blue sea. I mean, Comstock!

We opted for one of the more liberal/mixed suburbs (FFX) and have quite enjoyed it, so it is not what the suburbs are like. FFX, Burke, ARL, etc. do not feel like Vienna. And you don't have to settle for "Lower performing" schools. Woodson, Lake Braddock, Robinson are great, and don't feel like Madison.

Anyway, if you can move, do it. I'd not want to live in Vienna. If you can't, find your tribe. They are there, though a small minority

Nah. Comstock did not represent most of Vienna when she was in Congress. Her district was mostly further north and further west. Vienna was mostly represented then, and now, by Gerry Connolly.

And Vienna is not a "notably conservative red dot in an otherwise blue sea." It's part of the blue sea where people generally are politically liberal, but socially conservative and rather conformist when it comes to interacting with others in social settings.

And if you want to say that your neighbors are friendlier, or more open, or less reserved and judgmental than people in Vienna, please go ahead, but it sounds like you're just resurrecting the whole "Goldilocks" thing - "my slightly less affluent area is just the right temperature, but your slightly more affluent area is too hot/too cold."

This.

Vienna is not conservative, at least not politically. Check the polling numbers for yourself. Vienna is reliably blue in every election.

[Anonymous]

The problem here is a lack of interpersonal skills and a deficiency in emotional intelligence, not the neighborhood. People have varying views about many topics, and one can be friends with people who hold a range of perspectives if one is neither close-minded oneself, nor judgmental, nor holier-than-thou. If people you encounter don't care to discuss politics, or hold views in opposition to yours, why would a mature and aware adult continue to pursue those topics with those people instead of searching for areas of common ground and leaving the political discourse for other times with other, more receptive audiences?

It's almost certain that neighbors discussing travel sports and other subjects are trying to make conversation, and I'd bet none could care less whether or not your kids engage in those activities or not. Insecurity about "fitting in" says volumes about you, and nothing about the neighbors you denigrate.

For a psychologist, you display an astonishing level of obliviousness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem here is a lack of interpersonal skills and a deficiency in emotional intelligence, not the neighborhood. People have varying views about many topics, and one can be friends with people who hold a range of perspectives if one is neither close-minded oneself, nor judgmental, nor holier-than-thou. If people you encounter don't care to discuss politics, or hold views in opposition to yours, why would a mature and aware adult continue to pursue those topics with those people instead of searching for areas of common ground and leaving the political discourse for other times with other, more receptive audiences?

It's almost certain that neighbors discussing travel sports and other subjects are trying to make conversation, and I'd bet none could care less whether or not your kids engage in those activities or not. Insecurity about "fitting in" says volumes about you, and nothing about the neighbors you denigrate.

For a psychologist, you display an astonishing level of obliviousness.

This is a ridiculous post. Millions of us in the DMV and across the country buy homes in neighborhoods that we've assessed to be on par with our personalities and values. What OP is doing is nothing new, nor does it evidence a lack of interpersonal skills. She's just in the wrong neighborhood. It's not a good fit for her. You don't have to get along with everyone and that is clearly the case here. Vienna is well-known in this area to be a certain type. If that's your type, great. But you cannot begrudge others for realizing that it's not their type.

I refuse to live in DC because I know it is not a good fit for me and my family. I also didn't look at Woodbridge, Great Falls, Potomac or Silver Spring because they were not good fits.

You Vienna posters are really proving her point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem here is a lack of interpersonal skills and a deficiency in emotional intelligence, not the neighborhood. People have varying views about many topics, and one can be friends with people who hold a range of perspectives if one is neither close-minded oneself, nor judgmental, nor holier-than-thou. If people you encounter don't care to discuss politics, or hold views in opposition to yours, why would a mature and aware adult continue to pursue those topics with those people instead of searching for areas of common ground and leaving the political discourse for other times with other, more receptive audiences?

It's almost certain that neighbors discussing travel sports and other subjects are trying to make conversation, and I'd bet none could care less whether or not your kids engage in those activities or not. Insecurity about "fitting in" says volumes about you, and nothing about the neighbors you denigrate.

For a psychologist, you display an astonishing level of obliviousness.

Well the “physician heal thyself ” phrase DOES mainly applies to psychologists, so …

[Anonymous]

"This is a ridiculous post. Millions of us in the DMV and across the country buy homes in neighborhoods that we've assessed to be on par with our personalities and values. What OP is doing is nothing new, nor does it evidence a lack of interpersonal skills. She's just in the wrong neighborhood. It's not a good fit for her. You don't have to get along with everyone and that is clearly the case here. Vienna is well-known in this area to be a certain type. If that's your type, great. But you cannot begrudge others for realizing that it's not their type.

I refuse to live in DC because I know it is not a good fit for me and my family. I also didn't look at Woodbridge, Great Falls, Potomac or Silver Spring because they were not good fits.

You Vienna posters are really proving her point."

Nonsense. Self-assured, confident, and evolved people do not buy where they will find clones of themselves and their personal politics or "values". They buy for more practical reasons like price, commute, schools, proximity to desired retail and recreation. Their senses of self and personal happiness are not dependent upon living among other who agree with their political philosophies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is a ridiculous post. Millions of us in the DMV and across the country buy homes in neighborhoods that we've assessed to be on par with our personalities and values. What OP is doing is nothing new, nor does it evidence a lack of interpersonal skills. She's just in the wrong neighborhood. It's not a good fit for her. You don't have to get along with everyone and that is clearly the case here. Vienna is well-known in this area to be a certain type. If that's your type, great. But you cannot begrudge others for realizing that it's not their type.

I refuse to live in DC because I know it is not a good fit for me and my family. I also didn't look at Woodbridge, Great Falls, Potomac or Silver Spring because they were not good fits.

You Vienna posters are really proving her point."

Nonsense. Self-assured, confident, and evolved people do not buy where they will find clones of themselves and their personal politics or "values". They buy for more practical reasons like price, commute, schools, proximity to desired retail and recreation. Their senses of self and personal happiness are not dependent upon living among other who agree with their political philosophies.

HA! You are ridiculously out of touch. Have you never talked to a home buyer? Do me a favor, check the real estate forum. Tell me how many threads there are re: neighborhood feel and vibe of community. There are hundreds. Go to the "what's it like living in Burke?", "What are the vibes of Petworth?", "What are the best NOVA neighborhoods" ,etc. I've never met a buyer that wasn't concerned with the type of community.

I mean, Jesus, ask every single DC resident on this website. They do not stop with the NOVA vibes bit.

I'm pretty confident and evolved. I'm not living in Stafford Co even if you paid me. I do not want to be surrounded by Jan 6 types. Sorry not sorry. That makes for a miserable environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"This is a ridiculous post. Millions of us in the DMV and across the country buy homes in neighborhoods that we've assessed to be on par with our personalities and values. What OP is doing is nothing new, nor does it evidence a lack of interpersonal skills. She's just in the wrong neighborhood. It's not a good fit for her. You don't have to get along with everyone and that is clearly the case here. Vienna is well-known in this area to be a certain type. If that's your type, great. But you cannot begrudge others for realizing that it's not their type.

I refuse to live in DC because I know it is not a good fit for me and my family. I also didn't look at Woodbridge, Great Falls, Potomac or Silver Spring because they were not good fits.

You Vienna posters are really proving her point."

Nonsense. Self-assured, confident, and evolved people do not buy where they will find clones of themselves and their personal politics or "values". They buy for more practical reasons like price, commute, schools, proximity to desired retail and recreation. Their senses of self and personal happiness are not dependent upon living among other who agree with their political philosophies.

You are so completely missing the thrust of OP’s unhappiness that it’s staggering. And it’s such a Vienna-like response as well: it totally conflates the notion of “community” with ticking off a specific set of boxes in terms of rather basic amenities.

[Anonymous]

Blah...Blah...Blah...

Welcome to the suburbs.

This is the difference between the gritty city life and suburbs. Make peace with it, or you're gonna be miserable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"This is a ridiculous post. Millions of us in the DMV and across the country buy homes in neighborhoods that we've assessed to be on par with our personalities and values. What OP is doing is nothing new, nor does it evidence a lack of interpersonal skills. She's just in the wrong neighborhood. It's not a good fit for her. You don't have to get along with everyone and that is clearly the case here. Vienna is well-known in this area to be a certain type. If that's your type, great. But you cannot begrudge others for realizing that it's not their type.

I refuse to live in DC because I know it is not a good fit for me and my family. I also didn't look at Woodbridge, Great Falls, Potomac or Silver Spring because they were not good fits.

You Vienna posters are really proving her point."

Nonsense. Self-assured, confident, and evolved people do not buy where they will find clones of themselves and their personal politics or "values". They buy for more practical reasons like price, commute, schools, proximity to desired retail and recreation. Their senses of self and personal happiness are not dependent upon living among other who agree with their political philosophies.

You are so completely missing the thrust of OP’s unhappiness that it’s staggering. And it’s such a Vienna-like response as well: it totally conflates the notion of “community” with ticking off a specific set of boxes in terms of rather basic amenities.

Right?!

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you should’ve moved to Takoma Park. What are your kids like? Do they like it? I wish my parents had gotten me more into sports when I was younger.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, you don’t have any female friends and you “tell it like it is.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to rock the boat but also want everyone to like me.

What a narcissit.

I find people who characterize or conceive of themselves as too honest for other people to handle are often just idiot loudmouths.

Not sure what place would be a good fit for a personality like that.

I don't think OP expects everyone to like her. I think she probably wants some people to like her and not to rush to exclude her because she can be outspoken and opinionated at times.

That sort of stuff can just be the kiss of death in Vienna. It sounds like you either have no idea how quickly Vienna parents can ostracize someone who doesn't fit the mold or are one of those folks.

OP here. Yes, you get it. I don't want everyone to like me. I just want a couple good friends, which is really hard to do with the herd-like mentality and intensely conformist nature of my area.

Check out the local folk and art communities - maybe Glen Echo. Uu church.

You’ll find your people

[Anonymous]

Op, maybe falls church city would be more your speed if you have to be in NOVA.