Sandwich generation home stretch

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

What "sounds cold" IS COLD. I can appreciate what you've shared but think it's very sad that such dysfunction continues in these families, despite the supposedly better life that the adult children now have.

You are judgmental and don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop. NP by the way.

Judgmental? People can form opinions and judge others' behaviors. It's one thing to not have the money. That's why many families take in their elderly parents. What was described is indeed very cold.

DP. Judgmental when you don’t have all the facts is unfair. You don’t know the parent-child relationship, the families’ financial situation, other pressing matters (e.g. special needs child, medical bills, …), the parent’s’ financial situation, the quality of the nursing home, the other ways the children are supporting the parent (beyond financial),…. You are making a lot of assumptions when you call people evil, cold, or bad.

Everyone has problems and circumstances and issues that can make it all hard. Still cold.

Yep. It's also pretty cold to be raised by narcissistic, nasty, manipulative, emotionally abusive parents who leave a life time of damage to unravel. So no, not going to be spending my time in middle age making sure they're getting lots of visits and opportunities to socialize with family. I happen to have the money to make sure mine are in a very nice and safe place. That's the beginning and the end of it for me.

Luckily I'm past this stage of my life, but many people will respond to being shamed by people like you who insist that all of us owe our family of origin something. It's incredibly toxic what you're saying.

Toxic? Hardly. People with an ounce of compassion would feel differently than you. It appears that you're becoming like the parents who raised you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I am supporting my fathers assisted living, starting new mortgage (first time homebuyer at 52) and kid going to college in six years. Single parent.

You are a caring, loving adult.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

I know what he did. He retired early with a 7 figure nest egg, left my mom, moved to another country and started a new family there. Bought a house for a woman and paid their living expenses. He came back to the US when his health started to fail and medical care in that country was not very good. Only he came back to the US with very little money left due to being scammed by the woman he met there. He needs a skilled nursing facility so I did all the work to find a nice place for him that would eventually take Medicaid. He self-paid until he ran out of assets and then the facility applied for Medicaid for him. He pays most of his social security to the facility and the state pays the rest. He is well-cared for. I still spend hours a week visiting, coordinating medical care, taking him outside, bringing him food, etc. I am going above and beyond for him with my time for him. It’s not like I left him on the street or dumped him in a disgusting home and abandoned him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

I know what he did. He retired early with a 7 figure nest egg, left my mom, moved to another country and started a new family there. Bought a house for a woman and paid their living expenses. He came back to the US when his health started to fail and medical care in that country was not very good. Only he came back to the US with very little money left due to being scammed by the woman he met there. He needs a skilled nursing facility so I did all the work to find a nice place for him that would eventually take Medicaid. He self-paid until he ran out of assets and then the facility applied for Medicaid for him. He pays most of his social security to the facility and the state pays the rest. He is well-cared for. I still spend hours a week visiting, coordinating medical care, taking him outside, bringing him food, etc. I am going above and beyond for him with my time for him. It’s not like I left him on the street or dumped him in a disgusting home and abandoned him.

Unless he abused you or orders (physically or sexually) you need to do more. His relationship with others including
Your mother or his poor financial acumen does not warrant your mindset. Have a heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

I know what he did. He retired early with a 7 figure nest egg, left my mom, moved to another country and started a new family there. Bought a house for a woman and paid their living expenses. He came back to the US when his health started to fail and medical care in that country was not very good. Only he came back to the US with very little money left due to being scammed by the woman he met there. He needs a skilled nursing facility so I did all the work to find a nice place for him that would eventually take Medicaid. He self-paid until he ran out of assets and then the facility applied for Medicaid for him. He pays most of his social security to the facility and the state pays the rest. He is well-cared for. I still spend hours a week visiting, coordinating medical care, taking him outside, bringing him food, etc. I am going above and beyond for him with my time for him. It’s not like I left him on the street or dumped him in a disgusting home and abandoned him.

Unless he abused you or orders (physically or sexually) you need to do more. His relationship with others including
Your mother or his poor financial acumen does not warrant your mindset. Have a heart.

More? In what way? I work full-time and have my own family to take care of. I see him 3-4 times a week and take him out to see family several times a month. I set him up with my Netflix, cell phone plan, manage his finances and medical appointments, advocate for him at his facility, etc. These things take a lot of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

Different poster here. Both of my parents were diagnosed with a terminal cancer illness this year. They both told me not to spend a dime on nursing homes for them. Neither wants to go to a medicaid home. But my mom said, if it's necessary just put her in a medicaid home. She said by that point she won't care. She says she knows it wouldn't be great she will be fine and not to feel a moment of guilt about it. My mom is living with me for now. My dad will pay for his own in-home care. They both want me to use their money for my daughter's well-being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

I know what he did. He retired early with a 7 figure nest egg, left my mom, moved to another country and started a new family there. Bought a house for a woman and paid their living expenses. He came back to the US when his health started to fail and medical care in that country was not very good. Only he came back to the US with very little money left due to being scammed by the woman he met there. He needs a skilled nursing facility so I did all the work to find a nice place for him that would eventually take Medicaid. He self-paid until he ran out of assets and then the facility applied for Medicaid for him. He pays most of his social security to the facility and the state pays the rest. He is well-cared for. I still spend hours a week visiting, coordinating medical care, taking him outside, bringing him food, etc. I am going above and beyond for him with my time for him. It’s not like I left him on the street or dumped him in a disgusting home and abandoned him.

Unless he abused you or orders (physically or sexually) you need to do more. His relationship with others including
Your mother or his poor financial acumen does not warrant your mindset. Have a heart.

More? In what way? I work full-time and have my own family to take care of. I see him 3-4 times a week and take him out to see family several times a month. I set him up with my Netflix, cell phone plan, manage his finances and medical appointments, advocate for him at his facility, etc. These things take a lot of time.

Ignore the troll. You’ve done more than enough. If anyone else needs help (your kids, spouse, mom), feel free to cut down the time with your dad. After all he’s done, I hope he’s at least grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

I know what he did. He retired early with a 7 figure nest egg, left my mom, moved to another country and started a new family there. Bought a house for a woman and paid their living expenses. He came back to the US when his health started to fail and medical care in that country was not very good. Only he came back to the US with very little money left due to being scammed by the woman he met there. He needs a skilled nursing facility so I did all the work to find a nice place for him that would eventually take Medicaid. He self-paid until he ran out of assets and then the facility applied for Medicaid for him. He pays most of his social security to the facility and the state pays the rest. He is well-cared for. I still spend hours a week visiting, coordinating medical care, taking him outside, bringing him food, etc. I am going above and beyond for him with my time for him. It’s not like I left him on the street or dumped him in a disgusting home and abandoned him.

Unless he abused you or orders (physically or sexually) you need to do more. His relationship with others including
Your mother or his poor financial acumen does not warrant your mindset. Have a heart.

More? In what way? I work full-time and have my own family to take care of. I see him 3-4 times a week and take him out to see family several times a month. I set him up with my Netflix, cell phone plan, manage his finances and medical appointments, advocate for him at his facility, etc. These things take a lot of time.

Ignore the troll. You’ve done more than enough. If anyone else needs help (your kids, spouse, mom), feel free to cut down the time with your dad. After all he’s done, I hope he’s at least grateful.

I agree. I ignore all these people dumping on you. I had a similar situation except my father was an alcoholic and gave away or lost all of his money while drunk. If he ever got out, he would drink. I wasted tons of time and money on him to the detriment of my family and my mental health. I had to decide that I would not sacrifice my family’s finances to continue to throw money and time into that black hole.

[Anonymous]

+1 and I hope you’ve got an excellent therapist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

Yes to all this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

$500K hhi and you too selfish to help your dad out? Do you ever wonder what your father did for you?

I know what he did. He retired early with a 7 figure nest egg, left my mom, moved to another country and started a new family there. Bought a house for a woman and paid their living expenses. He came back to the US when his health started to fail and medical care in that country was not very good. Only he came back to the US with very little money left due to being scammed by the woman he met there. He needs a skilled nursing facility so I did all the work to find a nice place for him that would eventually take Medicaid. He self-paid until he ran out of assets and then the facility applied for Medicaid for him. He pays most of his social security to the facility and the state pays the rest. He is well-cared for. I still spend hours a week visiting, coordinating medical care, taking him outside, bringing him food, etc. I am going above and beyond for him with my time for him. It’s not like I left him on the street or dumped him in a disgusting home and abandoned him.

Unless he abused you or orders (physically or sexually) you need to do more. His relationship with others including
Your mother or his poor financial acumen does not warrant your mindset. Have a heart.

More? In what way? I work full-time and have my own family to take care of. I see him 3-4 times a week and take him out to see family several times a month. I set him up with my Netflix, cell phone plan, manage his finances and medical appointments, advocate for him at his facility, etc. These things take a lot of time.

Ignore the troll. You’ve done more than enough. If anyone else needs help (your kids, spouse, mom), feel free to cut down the time with your dad. After all he’s done, I hope he’s at least grateful.

Yes, please ignore the trolls dumping on you.You are doing more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If children are now expected to pay these 10k + per month fees for assisted living for their parents, it will bankrupt us all. It’s twice as much as college, and can go on way longer than 4 years!

Yeah, all these posters saying they are paying for their parent's (singular) assisted living fees...what happens if all 4 parents need to be in assisted living? That could be $40k/month for gosh knows how long. That's at least $480,000/a year. Who on earth has that type of money unless you are super wealthy?

For normal UMC folks or even those making $500k/year - how is that feasible? Feasible to save enough money to potentially pay for all 4 parents to be in assisted living/save for their kids' college and their own retirement?

[Anonymous]

Most people only need assisted living for 3 years or less. The scenario of all parents being in assisted living at the same time and running out of money at the same time is unlikely at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people only need assisted living for 3 years or less. The scenario of all parents being in assisted living at the same time and running out of money at the same time is unlikely at best.

Is everyone talking about assisted living and not a nursing home?

I expect my dad will be in a nursing home for a long while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most people only need assisted living for 3 years or less. The scenario of all parents being in assisted living at the same time and running out of money at the same time is unlikely at best.

4 parents needing three years of long-term care is still a lot of money. My mom could easily be in assisted living for ten years.