Sandwich generation home stretch

[Anonymous]

PP again, accept their Medicaid payment - is what I meant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

But you probably don't have to pay for assisted living for 7 years. The average stay in assisted living is one to two years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

I’m the SAHM above. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on home remodeling, cars and travel. Dh thinks I have guilt problems. Dh is totally fine with me spending thousands on anything I want but has a problem committing to shelling out for a huge nursing home bill for an unknown amount of time.

The rehab center my dad was at was truly depressing. I feel like it is where poor people go to die.

You and DH have messed up priorities.

[Anonymous]

If children are now expected to pay these 10k + per month fees for assisted living for their parents, it will bankrupt us all. It’s twice as much as college, and can go on way longer than 4 years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

+1,000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

I’m the SAHM above. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on home remodeling, cars and travel. Dh thinks I have guilt problems. Dh is totally fine with me spending thousands on anything I want but has a problem committing to shelling out for a huge nursing home bill for an unknown amount of time.

The rehab center my dad was at was truly depressing. I feel like it is where poor people go to die.

You and DH have messed up priorities.

Dh earns a seven figure income. We save a ton. Our retirement and children’s college is already funded. We can afford the extras easily and we can afford to pay $10k+ per month for my dad. I just told Dh I am going back to work. I don’t want to ask Dh to pay for my dad. He said he didn’t say no. I don’t like asking him to pay for my family.

In general, we are on the same page with money since we are big savers. Yes, he buys some expensive toys but we can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

I’m the SAHM above. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on home remodeling, cars and travel. Dh thinks I have guilt problems. Dh is totally fine with me spending thousands on anything I want but has a problem committing to shelling out for a huge nursing home bill for an unknown amount of time.

The rehab center my dad was at was truly depressing. I feel like it is where poor people go to die.

My mother in law is paying $10k a month for a nursing facility. It’s incredibly depressing. None of these places are fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

+1,000.

If only our Congress critters would get a "Death with Dignity & Quality of Life" movement going. The roadblock would be people like my martyr mom, who doesn't even believe in putting a suffering animal to sleep. I've signed up for Dignitas because I want quality of life, not quantity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, the word "evil" gets thrown around a lot, but it may actually be the best descriptor for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

In PP’s defense, nursing homes are expensive. I can’t even say ridiculously expensive. DH and I only recently make $250k a year. The facility where my dad lives would have charged us $9k a month for private pay, but instead they charge the state and then my dad owes just a little over $3k from his own pocket. It’s the same care without draining family resources. We don’t have generational wealth, but we understand that it makes no sense for us to pay 3x what we need to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

But you probably don't have to pay for assisted living for 7 years. The average stay in assisted living is one to two years.

Because people get sicker and progress to nursing homes —which are much more expensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

I’m the SAHM above. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on home remodeling, cars and travel. Dh thinks I have guilt problems. Dh is totally fine with me spending thousands on anything I want but has a problem committing to shelling out for a huge nursing home bill for an unknown amount of time.

The rehab center my dad was at was truly depressing. I feel like it is where poor people go to die.

You and DH have messed up priorities.

Wow, that's not something to brag about. It is where the low-income go to die as who do you think uses and qualifies for medicaid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

In PP’s defense, nursing homes are expensive. I can’t even say ridiculously expensive. DH and I only recently make $250k a year. The facility where my dad lives would have charged us $9k a month for private pay, but instead they charge the state and then my dad owes just a little over $3k from his own pocket. It’s the same care without draining family resources. We don’t have generational wealth, but we understand that it makes no sense for us to pay 3x what we need to.

Big difference between your situation and the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, the word "evil" gets thrown around a lot, but it may actually be the best descriptor for you.

And why is that? My father is in an above average facility (rated by Medicare). It is clean and well-staffed. It’s not luxury, but is more than adequate. It is close to me so I can visit often and take him to medical appointments. The facility is $12,500/month and my income of $500,000 cannot sustain that, nor can his minimal social security income. He is on Medicaid, not me. Why am I evil?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

In PP’s defense, nursing homes are expensive. I can’t even say ridiculously expensive. DH and I only recently make $250k a year. The facility where my dad lives would have charged us $9k a month for private pay, but instead they charge the state and then my dad owes just a little over $3k from his own pocket. It’s the same care without draining family resources. We don’t have generational wealth, but we understand that it makes no sense for us to pay 3x what we need to.

Big difference between your situation and the PP.

But PP probably pays more taxes and our country should have socialized care for the elderly anyway.