Sandwich generation home stretch

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, the word "evil" gets thrown around a lot, but it may actually be the best descriptor for you.

And why is that? My father is in an above average facility (rated by Medicare). It is clean and well-staffed. It’s not luxury, but is more than adequate. It is close to me so I can visit often and take him to medical appointments. The facility is $12,500/month and my income of $500,000 cannot sustain that, nor can his minimal social security income. He is on Medicaid, not me. Why am I evil?

You aren’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, the word "evil" gets thrown around a lot, but it may actually be the best descriptor for you.

And why is that? My father is in an above average facility (rated by Medicare). It is clean and well-staffed. It’s not luxury, but is more than adequate. It is close to me so I can visit often and take him to medical appointments. The facility is $12,500/month and my income of $500,000 cannot sustain that, nor can his minimal social security income. He is on Medicaid, not me. Why am I evil?

Let me help you out.

Budget:

$150K taxes
$100K to live on
$100K in savings
$150K for a few years so the person who raised you can live in dignity.

After he passes, you can bump up your savings to $250K. Glad I was able to help with that. Let me know if you have any other math or ethics questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

The bolded makes no sense at all.

[Anonymous]

We make way less money than you do OP (we bring home about 13k/month after retirement and health insurance) but we will have fully saved for college by the time our kids go and our house will be paid off the year our second child leaves for college (15 year mortgage.)

Its great that you have so much income, but why didn't you save more all along?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We make way less money than you do OP (we bring home about 13k/month after retirement and health insurance) but we will have fully saved for college by the time our kids go and our house will be paid off the year our second child leaves for college (15 year mortgage.)

Its great that you have so much income, but why didn't you save more all along?

Are we now obligated to save for our parents’ LTC in addition to our house down payment, kids’ college tuition, our own retirement and possible LTC, and medical expenses and other unforeseen expenses? And you know that LTC is upwards of 10,000-15,000/month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make way less money than you do OP (we bring home about 13k/month after retirement and health insurance) but we will have fully saved for college by the time our kids go and our house will be paid off the year our second child leaves for college (15 year mortgage.)

Its great that you have so much income, but why didn't you save more all along?

Are we now obligated to save for our parents’ LTC in addition to our house down payment, kids’ college tuition, our own retirement and possible LTC, and medical expenses and other unforeseen expenses? And you know that LTC is upwards of 10,000-15,000/month.

That the price of memory care. LTC is not anywhere close to that price. Maybe you are thinking of basically end of life clinical care? I just had to arrange that for my grandfather and it was considered clinical care and was 2k/week in a semi private room in NoVA. He only lasted 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

I think I’m just tired but can’t understand what you mean. Are you saying being in a nursing home is privileged or having children visit them with grandchildren is privileged?

My dad will likely need around the clock care in the near future. I’m going to look into a home nurse. We have a friend whose mother passed recently. Instead of sending her to a nursing home, they hired multiple aids/caregivers. I’m not sure how much this will cost but I’m assuming/hoping it will be comparable to the nursing care of $10-15k per month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

What are your ages, how many more years of work, NW and HHI. What is the breakdown for the three big expenses. Maybe we can help. I am a financial advisor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, the word "evil" gets thrown around a lot, but it may actually be the best descriptor for you.

+1
This woman is not a good person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We make way less money than you do OP (we bring home about 13k/month after retirement and health insurance) but we will have fully saved for college by the time our kids go and our house will be paid off the year our second child leaves for college (15 year mortgage.)

Its great that you have so much income, but why didn't you save more all along?

Are we now obligated to save for our parents’ LTC in addition to our house down payment, kids’ college tuition, our own retirement and possible LTC, and medical expenses and other unforeseen expenses? And you know that LTC is upwards of 10,000-15,000/month.

PP here. Sorry no I didn’t mean to imply that and we are not doing that. I was just confused OP’s income is so incredibly high yet he/she has comparatively little assets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.

Just wow. Cannot imagine feeling that way. So cold.

Seriously. Ship your parent to a nursing home so they can be social in their new place. So cold. I hope your children treat you so well in your old age.

I go out of my way to visit my dad who is in and out of the hospital. I bring the grandkids to see him because it brings a smile to see my 5yo daughter. I tell my son that it is sad to visit my dad but it is duty and obligation. I try to model behavior that I hope they will replicate one day. I hope when I am in old age that my children will come visit me and bring my grandchildren.

I would be heartbroken if my children just sent me away.

IME what sounds cold to some is the result of dysfunctional parents. Those parents may have had trauma of their own that led to the dysfunction. People who had loving, involved, supportive, stable families of origin never understand the privilege this is and "can't imagine" anything else.

I think I’m just tired but can’t understand what you mean. Are you saying being in a nursing home is privileged or having children visit them with grandchildren is privileged?

My dad will likely need around the clock care in the near future. I’m going to look into a home nurse. We have a friend whose mother passed recently. Instead of sending her to a nursing home, they hired multiple aids/caregivers. I’m not sure how much this will cost but I’m assuming/hoping it will be comparable to the nursing care of $10-15k per month.

When my mom needed FT in home care, her aides (not nurses) through a reputable agency (needed that because they send replacements and fill ins) cost $25/hr x 24 hours x 365 days = $219k. This was in a lower COL city over 4 years ago. We could never have done that long term. We did it because she was on hospice and had weeks to live.

[Anonymous]

Man some of you people are pretty heartless.

$500K a year in income? Millions of dollars in savings no doubt, I’m sure a nice house, and you ship parents to the lowest bidder?

Jeez.