Sandwich generation home stretch

[Anonymous]

For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

How long have you been making so much money?

[Anonymous]

I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

[Anonymous]

If you both work from home, why do you have to wait 7 years to move to a low COL area?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

My father did private pay until he ran out of money. He worked and paid his taxes for decades. Why shouldn’t he be entitled to programs that he helped to fund? Why would I be a burden to my kids? We fully paid their college and grad school with no loans. We are making sure we have enough saved so that if we need long-term care we can afford it and not rely on them or the government.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For the next 7 years I will have my mortgage, a child’s college tuition (about 60 percent paid by 529 and 40 by take home pay), and my mothers assisted living (divided two ways by two siblings) due every month totaling about 26k. This blows my mind. We can do it but things will be tighter then next 7 years then they were when we first started out. House will be paid off in 7 years though and we will then have the option to move to a lower cola area if needed as both of us now have work from home options. Just curious if there are any people like us who are extremely tight into their 50s/early 60s. I am happy to do it but it almost feels more burdensome being ABLE vs if we just didn’t have the money and college and the nursing home wasn’t an option. Does that make sense? Of course it doesn’t! I guess I am just having some anxiety over these commitments and am curious if anyone middle aged is feeling similar.

If you can manage $312k a year on those outlays, what is your HHI? What is your mortgage payment? Why couldn’t you save enough for ‘a child’s tuition’ prior to this?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I am supporting my fathers assisted living, starting new mortgage (first time homebuyer at 52) and kid going to college in six years. Single parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I am supporting my fathers assisted living, starting new mortgage (first time homebuyer at 52) and kid going to college in six years. Single parent.

Anyway for your father to qualify for Medicaid long-term care? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I am supporting my fathers assisted living, starting new mortgage (first time homebuyer at 52) and kid going to college in six years. Single parent.

Congrats!!!

[Anonymous]

Why not refinance the house? Interest rates are high but your balance is probably fairly low so you won't pay much interest and you can free up some cash flow. You can always aggressively pay down after your kid is out of college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not pay for my parents’ assisted living. My first responsibility is to my children and ensuring my own retirement. My father ended up in a nursing home after a stroke. I got him into one near me that takes Medicaid and started the spend-down process. He ran out of money after only 2 months and the facility applied for Medicaid. He was approved. I visit often because he’s close by and drive him to medical appointments. My HHI is about 500,000 and there is no way that I would spend that on assisted living when he qualifies for government assistance. I owe it to my children to not saddle them with such a burden or choice when I’m old.

Wow, you have huge income and couldn't help at all. Sad. We make what nursing home would cost so it wasn't possible for us so we had to do medicaid but if I could have private paid, I would have. You will be a burden, money or not.

OP, we are in good shape. House paid off, college fund done for a state school and hopefully graduate school ...but we don't have a grand house so it was easier to pay off.

My father did private pay until he ran out of money. He worked and paid his taxes for decades. Why shouldn’t he be entitled to programs that he helped to fund? Why would I be a burden to my kids? We fully paid their college and grad school with no loans. We are making sure we have enough saved so that if we need long-term care we can afford it and not rely on them or the government.

My father will need long term care soon. He qualifies for Medicaid. He is currently at a rehab center and the ones that take Medicaid are not as nice as the full pay ones. We are not there yet but I want to send my dad to a more comfortable one with better care eventually.

DH earns a seven figure income so we can afford it. I’m a SAHM. We had a talk recently and he said full pay would be really expensive. I haven’t decided how much I want to fight for this or if it will make our marriage suffer. I would go back to work to pay for my dad’s higher quality nursing home. Dh swears this isn’t about whether I work or not but he thinks the government funded nursing home will be fine. It would not be good enough for DH or me and I don’t think it is good enough for my dad.

[Anonymous]

I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree generally that older disabled parents should not be the priority, but what can you realistically do? The Medicaid thing suggested above is absurd. My mother was in one of these places this summer and it was inhuman. We as a society have simultaneously extended lives beyond when they are worth living, and at the same time made it a norm to break apart geographically tight families and organizations—which just lines the pockets of the elder care industry. We need to have a reckoning with this; it is unsustainable.

I’m the SAHM above. We spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on home remodeling, cars and travel. Dh thinks I have guilt problems. Dh is totally fine with me spending thousands on anything I want but has a problem committing to shelling out for a huge nursing home bill for an unknown amount of time.

The rehab center my dad was at was truly depressing. I feel like it is where poor people go to die.

[Anonymous]

Elders move into a facility that (will eventually) accept their Medicare payment. That's it. It's not that difficult.

If you don't like what's nearby, they go to a lower COL area. Where they have roots or elderly friends/siblings/where they once lived or where they grew up. Some connection. You visit. They meet and make connections in their new place. Being social with people other than family, that's on them and largely a personality thing you can't control.