My MIL and FIL never let DH and I visit BIL and SIL alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

PP here and I think we are agreeing?

Absolutely, OP or her DH could say to them "We really would love to come visit and have it just be us" or "Can we make time to do things just the two of us while MIL/FIL are also visiting?"

But what they can't/shouldn't do it try to dictate whether FIL/MIL can be there. It isn't their home.

My point is that OP should be talking to her BIL/SIL, not her FIL/MIL.

We don't know for sure who is spilling the beans. It could be OPs own husband. But this could easily be resolved with a conversation between OP and her SIL who aren't the blood relatives and are supposedly very close. Because it seems most obvious OPs husband or the BIL is the one talking to the in-laws, their own parents. It's less likely OP and the SIL are going out of their way to keep the in-laws up to date on all their plans. OP doesn't need to walk on eggshells and make meek suggestions to her SIL. I don't agree that the "most" she could is express a wish to visit alone, I think she can speak openly to her. They can both agree before hand to keep it secret and not even tell the husbands until a few days prior. But, that's all too easy and somehow it's got to be dramatic for OP so she has something to complain about.

PP here. I wasn't suggesting she walk on eggshells or be meek. I do think she should have a frank conversation.

I did find an area of disagreement between us- I see no reason to start with concealing and deception (from their spouses even!) as a first course of action. IF the hosts don't want both the parents and the OP's family to be there, they should transparently say that to FIL/MIL. There has been no indication on this thread that ANYBODY has even tried to have a candid conversation with these people. Start there.

OP can have a deal breaker. If she finds out the in-laws are coming then the trip is off. Because that's not the type of trip she wants. She likewise shouldn't be subjected to a a "surprise!" visit. But all of this is avoided with simple conversations and it appears that never happens. For unknown reasons. "If MIL/FIL are coming, then we are not" would avoid all of this but instead OP slinks off to the cold concrete basement and suffers in silence. Why?

PP you are quoting. I'm unable to determine whether you are agreeing with what I wrote, disagreeing, or just making an entirely different point. If so, why did you quote this post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

PP here and I think we are agreeing?

Absolutely, OP or her DH could say to them "We really would love to come visit and have it just be us" or "Can we make time to do things just the two of us while MIL/FIL are also visiting?"

But what they can't/shouldn't do it try to dictate whether FIL/MIL can be there. It isn't their home.

My point is that OP should be talking to her BIL/SIL, not her FIL/MIL.

We don't know for sure who is spilling the beans. It could be OPs own husband. But this could easily be resolved with a conversation between OP and her SIL who aren't the blood relatives and are supposedly very close. Because it seems most obvious OPs husband or the BIL is the one talking to the in-laws, their own parents. It's less likely OP and the SIL are going out of their way to keep the in-laws up to date on all their plans. OP doesn't need to walk on eggshells and make meek suggestions to her SIL. I don't agree that the "most" she could is express a wish to visit alone, I think she can speak openly to her. They can both agree before hand to keep it secret and not even tell the husbands until a few days prior. But, that's all too easy and somehow it's got to be dramatic for OP so she has something to complain about.

PP here. I wasn't suggesting she walk on eggshells or be meek. I do think she should have a frank conversation.

I did find an area of disagreement between us- I see no reason to start with concealing and deception (from their spouses even!) as a first course of action. IF the hosts don't want both the parents and the OP's family to be there, they should transparently say that to FIL/MIL. There has been no indication on this thread that ANYBODY has even tried to have a candid conversation with these people. Start there.

OP can have a deal breaker. If she finds out the in-laws are coming then the trip is off. Because that's not the type of trip she wants. She likewise shouldn't be subjected to a a "surprise!" visit. But all of this is avoided with simple conversations and it appears that never happens. For unknown reasons. "If MIL/FIL are coming, then we are not" would avoid all of this but instead OP slinks off to the cold concrete basement and suffers in silence. Why?

PP you are quoting. I'm unable to determine whether you are agreeing with what I wrote, disagreeing, or just making an entirely different point. If so, why did you quote this post?

I don't really agree with you. If OP wants to visit SIL they can keep it on the down low. Why do the in-laws have to know? Who tells their in-laws everything?

[Anonymous]

It is "never let DH and me," not "I." Here's how you know: drop the "DH and" so that the statement and test "I" versus "me."

- My MIL and FIL never let I visit BIL and SIL alone

- My MIL and FIL never let me visit BIL and SIL alone

The correct word is obviously "me."

You're welcome!

[Anonymous]

Can you and BIL/SIL meet up halfway at a hotel or Airbnb?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t understand why BIL and SIL don’t ever come visit you. It wouldn’t solve the MIL interfering problem but you at least wouldn’t have to sleep in a cold basement. And maybe it would solve the MIL problem a bit if all the grandkids could stay at her house (cousin bonding with the grandparents) and bil and sil could stay with you - private time for all of you. Sounds like your Mil has fomo. If she has all the grandkids to herself, wouldn’t that be a treat? Then you, your dh, bil and sil can go over there during the day and you can do some activities together. I realize the intent is to have a weekend without any parents but maybe you can work up to that.

How can people not understand that bil and sil coming to visit them doesn't really solve the problem when in law parents live 15 minutes away. It isn't appropriate for bil and sil to visit and then say to parents 15 minutes away SORRY we are only visiting brother, we won't be seeing you! that's just absurd and also not healthy family dynamics. So, to have some 1:1 time it would be easier at bil and sils place.

Another option if make a plan to do something together meeting somewhere else. And then at least in my family it would be appropriate to tell parents but be clear that this is a sibling thing. This whole "just don't say anything" when you have a close relationship and see each other regularly seems like a more negative dynamic than anything. That's called avoidance. Just have open communication.

+1.

OP, I am guessing that the relationship with the ILs is generally good between all the family members so no one wants to rock the boat. Your MIL sounds sweet, if a little overbearing.

But I agree that someone needs to have a frank discussion, and it needs to be specifically in reference to the basement not working for your family. Ideally, your BIL does it, with backup from your husband. "Mom and Dad, we can only host brother's family this weekend. We should have spoken up some time ago, but they just can't stay in the basement anymore. It's freezing cold down there and it's scary getting up and downstairs at night when anyone needs the bathroom. I hope you understand and you know we'll be up for Easter (or whatever)."

I also like the idea of the RV - the kids would love it. Even "camping" in the summer - brothers and kids in a tent and you in the kids' bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Next time, if they insist on coming, your bil needs to say "Hey, Jill and John are staying in the guest room this time because of how uncomfortable the basement is. Are you ok with staying at the hotel? No? Oh darn. Well we're looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving!" It's Ok. It really is! It really really is.

And not doing fun kid things is truly unacceptable. You need to reframe your thinking. Your parents don't want the kids to miss out on fun things. TRY it out. " We're going on a hike Saturday morning with the kids. Do you want to meet us for lunch at the beach or would you like us to pick up pizza? After lunch, wanna make cookies with the kids?"

Just try it.

[Anonymous]

Woah. My parents and I live an hour from each other. My brother, SIL and their kids are half way across the country. Dh, DS and I fly out to visit once every other year or so. It's never occurred to me to worry about what my parents think of that! They've never tried to join us. When BIL etc comes here, it's definitely expected that we all get together once or twice. but never do we ALL plan to be together at the same house the ENTIRE time. Phew.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband and his brother need to address this directly. Be direct. Ask mom why she is so determined to always join your plans to visit the brother. Explain how it impacts his family. I would go so far as to say that my children caught colds the last time the visited and sleeping in an unfinished basement is no longer an option. Period. State that visits from here on out need to be staggered or someone needs to stay in a hotel.

BTW, stating that there is no AB&B or hotel nearby is not convincing. I'm sure there is SOMETHING within a 30 minute drive. Next time they tagalong, agree that you will either 1) stay in a hotel, thus making the visit much more inconvenient and fun or 2) cancel and tell inlaws that since they are going, you no longer will.

stop being such a doormat.

There are always other options. OP can rent an RV and park it outside and have it all to herself with her family. When the OP has to go out of their way to imply that there are no other options at all, it's a tell that something isn't right.

What? No. FFS. If the ILs are insistent on crashing a gathering they weren’t invited to, THEY can rent an RV — or, you know, a hotel room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t understand why BIL and SIL don’t ever come visit you. It wouldn’t solve the MIL interfering problem but you at least wouldn’t have to sleep in a cold basement. And maybe it would solve the MIL problem a bit if all the grandkids could stay at her house (cousin bonding with the grandparents) and bil and sil could stay with you - private time for all of you. Sounds like your Mil has fomo. If she has all the grandkids to herself, wouldn’t that be a treat? Then you, your dh, bil and sil can go over there during the day and you can do some activities together. I realize the intent is to have a weekend without any parents but maybe you can work up to that.

How can people not understand that bil and sil coming to visit them doesn't really solve the problem when in law parents live 15 minutes away. It isn't appropriate for bil and sil to visit and then say to parents 15 minutes away SORRY we are only visiting brother, we won't be seeing you! that's just absurd and also not healthy family dynamics. So, to have some 1:1 time it would be easier at bil and sils place.

Another option if make a plan to do something together meeting somewhere else. And then at least in my family it would be appropriate to tell parents but be clear that this is a sibling thing. This whole "just don't say anything" when you have a close relationship and see each other regularly seems like a more negative dynamic than anything. That's called avoidance. Just have open communication.

Wrong. It is absolutely appropriate. You lack boundaries, like OP’s ILs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is "never let DH and me," not "I." Here's how you know: drop the "DH and" so that the statement and test "I" versus "me."

- My MIL and FIL never let I visit BIL and SIL alone

- My MIL and FIL never let me visit BIL and SIL alone

The correct word is obviously "me."

You're welcome!

Oh, you’re an insufferable pedant. Noted. Insert childish wink face here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Next time, if they insist on coming, your bil needs to say "Hey, Jill and John are staying in the guest room this time because of how uncomfortable the basement is. Are you ok with staying at the hotel? No? Oh darn. Well we're looking forward to seeing you on Thanksgiving!" It's Ok. It really is! It really really is.

And not doing fun kid things is truly unacceptable. You need to reframe your thinking. Your parents don't want the kids to miss out on fun things. TRY it out. " We're going on a hike Saturday morning with the kids. Do you want to meet us for lunch at the beach or would you like us to pick up pizza? After lunch, wanna make cookies with the kids?"

Just try it.

I was going to say to blame the cold as well. Honestly I would plan a trip without telling them and then if they find out and have an issue, everyone uses the bedroom issue as justification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t understand why BIL and SIL don’t ever come visit you. It wouldn’t solve the MIL interfering problem but you at least wouldn’t have to sleep in a cold basement. And maybe it would solve the MIL problem a bit if all the grandkids could stay at her house (cousin bonding with the grandparents) and bil and sil could stay with you - private time for all of you. Sounds like your Mil has fomo. If she has all the grandkids to herself, wouldn’t that be a treat? Then you, your dh, bil and sil can go over there during the day and you can do some activities together. I realize the intent is to have a weekend without any parents but maybe you can work up to that.

How can people not understand that bil and sil coming to visit them doesn't really solve the problem when in law parents live 15 minutes away. It isn't appropriate for bil and sil to visit and then say to parents 15 minutes away SORRY we are only visiting brother, we won't be seeing you! that's just absurd and also not healthy family dynamics. So, to have some 1:1 time it would be easier at bil and sils place.

Another option if make a plan to do something together meeting somewhere else. And then at least in my family it would be appropriate to tell parents but be clear that this is a sibling thing. This whole "just don't say anything" when you have a close relationship and see each other regularly seems like a more negative dynamic than anything. That's called avoidance. Just have open communication.

Because when the in-laws are 15 min away, they can be involved in the visit, but still go home and sleep in their own beds. Then the siblings would have breakfast together or time to chat over a glass of wine after the kids go to sleep.

[Anonymous]

It's up to BIL and SIL who stays in their home and when. Is BIL telling his parents about these visits and inviting them along? I assume it's not OP or her DH telling them because then the solution is simple: go and don't tell them your plans.

[Anonymous]

My parents, particularly my mother, really gets a ton of joy out of being around her whole family. Her preference would always be to be there. It would not occur to her that it is a problem.

BUT, she also is a reasonable person who wants everyone to be happy. I'm certain that if one of her kids simply told her that they would prefer some time to hang out without her she would understand and not visit that time. Would it be a mildly awkward conversation? Sure, but it would have a good outcome and wouldn't require any concealing or deception.

Why not start there?