My MIL and FIL never let DH and I visit BIL and SIL alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I still don’t understand why BIL and SIL don’t ever come visit you. It wouldn’t solve the MIL interfering problem but you at least wouldn’t have to sleep in a cold basement. And maybe it would solve the MIL problem a bit if all the grandkids could stay at her house (cousin bonding with the grandparents) and bil and sil could stay with you - private time for all of you. Sounds like your Mil has fomo. If she has all the grandkids to herself, wouldn’t that be a treat? Then you, your dh, bil and sil can go over there during the day and you can do some activities together. I realize the intent is to have a weekend without any parents but maybe you can work up to that.

How can people not understand that bil and sil coming to visit them doesn't really solve the problem when in law parents live 15 minutes away. It isn't appropriate for bil and sil to visit and then say to parents 15 minutes away SORRY we are only visiting brother, we won't be seeing you! that's just absurd and also not healthy family dynamics. So, to have some 1:1 time it would be easier at bil and sils place.

Another option if make a plan to do something together meeting somewhere else. And then at least in my family it would be appropriate to tell parents but be clear that this is a sibling thing. This whole "just don't say anything" when you have a close relationship and see each other regularly seems like a more negative dynamic than anything. That's called avoidance. Just have open communication.

[Anonymous]

Ask them why they keep crashing on the cousin visits and putting a damper on the kid focused activities you have planned.

[Anonymous]

We went to my sister in law's once and had to stay in the unfinished basement on army cots with no bathroom down there and two young kids. My simple solution to that was to never go there again if a bedroom wasn't available. They did have a guest bedroom but other relatives were staying in it. I'm not sure how my husband explained that to anybody and couldn't care less.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

PP here and I think we are agreeing?

Absolutely, OP or her DH could say to them "We really would love to come visit and have it just be us" or "Can we make time to do things just the two of us while MIL/FIL are also visiting?"

But what they can't/shouldn't do it try to dictate whether FIL/MIL can be there. It isn't their home.

My point is that OP should be talking to her BIL/SIL, not her FIL/MIL.

We don't know for sure who is spilling the beans. It could be OPs own husband. But this could easily be resolved with a conversation between OP and her SIL who aren't the blood relatives and are supposedly very close. Because it seems most obvious OPs husband or the BIL is the one talking to the in-laws, their own parents. It's less likely OP and the SIL are going out of their way to keep the in-laws up to date on all their plans. OP doesn't need to walk on eggshells and make meek suggestions to her SIL. I don't agree that the "most" she could is express a wish to visit alone, I think she can speak openly to her. They can both agree before hand to keep it secret and not even tell the husbands until a few days prior. But, that's all too easy and somehow it's got to be dramatic for OP so she has something to complain about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

PP here and I think we are agreeing?

Absolutely, OP or her DH could say to them "We really would love to come visit and have it just be us" or "Can we make time to do things just the two of us while MIL/FIL are also visiting?"

But what they can't/shouldn't do it try to dictate whether FIL/MIL can be there. It isn't their home.

My point is that OP should be talking to her BIL/SIL, not her FIL/MIL.

We don't know for sure who is spilling the beans. It could be OPs own husband. But this could easily be resolved with a conversation between OP and her SIL who aren't the blood relatives and are supposedly very close. Because it seems most obvious OPs husband or the BIL is the one talking to the in-laws, their own parents. It's less likely OP and the SIL are going out of their way to keep the in-laws up to date on all their plans. OP doesn't need to walk on eggshells and make meek suggestions to her SIL. I don't agree that the "most" she could is express a wish to visit alone, I think she can speak openly to her. They can both agree before hand to keep it secret and not even tell the husbands until a few days prior. But, that's all too easy and somehow it's got to be dramatic for OP so she has something to complain about.

PP here. I wasn't suggesting she walk on eggshells or be meek. I do think she should have a frank conversation.

I did find an area of disagreement between us- I see no reason to start with concealing and deception (from their spouses even!) as a first course of action. IF the hosts don't want both the parents and the OP's family to be there, they should transparently say that to FIL/MIL. There has been no indication on this thread that ANYBODY has even tried to have a candid conversation with these people. Start there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

This.

[Anonymous]

This is not a hard situation to handle - assuming your husband, BIL and SIL all agree with you. BIL and SIL are the hosts; BIL just needs to set limits with his parents, and your husband needs to do the same. Don’t lie, don’t sneak around, don’t whine. Your husband and BIL are grown men; they just need to set boundaries and hold to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised so many people think that OP has any role to play in this whatsoever.

It is BIL/SIL's house. THEY get to decide who to host and when. THEY are letting this happen, presumably because they are OK with it. (OP said nothing about them having an issue. And also, they could be the ones telling MIL/FIL.)

The most OP or her DH could do is express to BIL/SIL that they would love to visit with just those two families. Or invite BIL/SIL over to their own house and not let MIL/FIL come.

If OP and SIL are as close as she says this would be so easy to sort out. She would have no issues bringing that point up in advance so they can go their massage or nails done or whatever. This isn't the usual situation where the SILs are barely on speaking terms.

PP here and I think we are agreeing?

Absolutely, OP or her DH could say to them "We really would love to come visit and have it just be us" or "Can we make time to do things just the two of us while MIL/FIL are also visiting?"

But what they can't/shouldn't do it try to dictate whether FIL/MIL can be there. It isn't their home.

My point is that OP should be talking to her BIL/SIL, not her FIL/MIL.

We don't know for sure who is spilling the beans. It could be OPs own husband. But this could easily be resolved with a conversation between OP and her SIL who aren't the blood relatives and are supposedly very close. Because it seems most obvious OPs husband or the BIL is the one talking to the in-laws, their own parents. It's less likely OP and the SIL are going out of their way to keep the in-laws up to date on all their plans. OP doesn't need to walk on eggshells and make meek suggestions to her SIL. I don't agree that the "most" she could is express a wish to visit alone, I think she can speak openly to her. They can both agree before hand to keep it secret and not even tell the husbands until a few days prior. But, that's all too easy and somehow it's got to be dramatic for OP so she has something to complain about.

PP here. I wasn't suggesting she walk on eggshells or be meek. I do think she should have a frank conversation.

I did find an area of disagreement between us- I see no reason to start with concealing and deception (from their spouses even!) as a first course of action. IF the hosts don't want both the parents and the OP's family to be there, they should transparently say that to FIL/MIL. There has been no indication on this thread that ANYBODY has even tried to have a candid conversation with these people. Start there.

OP can have a deal breaker. If she finds out the in-laws are coming then the trip is off. Because that's not the type of trip she wants. She likewise shouldn't be subjected to a a "surprise!" visit. But all of this is avoided with simple conversations and it appears that never happens. For unknown reasons. "If MIL/FIL are coming, then we are not" would avoid all of this but instead OP slinks off to the cold concrete basement and suffers in silence. Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not a hard situation to handle - assuming your husband, BIL and SIL all agree with you. BIL and SIL are the hosts; BIL just needs to set limits with his parents, and your husband needs to do the same. Don’t lie, don’t sneak around, don’t whine. Your husband and BIL are grown men; they just need to set boundaries and hold to them.

This. This. This. This.

Ya'll need to stop telling them when the two junior families are getting together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not a hard situation to handle - assuming your husband, BIL and SIL all agree with you. BIL and SIL are the hosts; BIL just needs to set limits with his parents, and your husband needs to do the same. Don’t lie, don’t sneak around, don’t whine. Your husband and BIL are grown men; they just need to set boundaries and hold to them.

This. This. This. This.

Ya'll need to stop telling them when the two junior families are getting together.

Right? This is the PP. Unless the parents have the BIL/SIL’s home under surveillance, someone is telling them when these events happen. That someone either has poor boundaries, doesn’t agree with OP, or both. The adult men need to just be kind but firm with their parents, if they don’t want this to continue. It is not hard.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the parents don't want to get left out, and want some semblance of the old/original family to stay intact. If the siblings do things without them, they will feel like a new dynamic will begin that will make it so they are left out more and more. I bet they hate having to change plans to be included.

I can see their post: my kids make plans then force us to change our plans in order to attend.

FWIW, this has happened in my family with my parents and it didn't change until they started slowing down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask them why they keep crashing on the cousin visits and putting a damper on the kid focused activities you have planned.

And I can't understand why, if the gate crashers ARE there, the younger parents can't simply say "We're going to the corn maze with the little kids. It's probably too much walking for you. Feel free to stay home and watch FOX 'News' ".

[Anonymous]

OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

[Anonymous]

This is for your BIL to handle with his parents, if he even wants to (maybe he and/or his wife prefers hosting everybody all at once instead of staggering the visits). He should be the one to tell his mom and dad that he's giving your family the main floor of the house next time.

You and your DH can certainly tell your BIL and SIL that you'd love to visit if the main floor bedroom is available because the basement doesn't work for your family anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

OP, honest question here that would help you get better advice- Have you (or your DH) had a conversation with your BIL/SIL about this? What do they say? Have you or your DH had any conversation with your FIL/MIL about this? If so, what did they say?