My MIL and FIL never let DH and I visit BIL and SIL alone

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

It sounds like these are lovely people that you have a great relationship (and see quite a bit). Why not just have an honest conversation with them?

And also, what do your BIL/SIL think? It is their house....

[Anonymous]

All these dilemmas almost make me feel glad I don't have siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

If you’re that enmeshed, it sounds pretty hopeless. It sounds like most of the time you’re together, you’re at their house, which also means MIL is used to being in charge. This might be something you just have to let go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

This is really the only approach. Honest, direct, kind. If they're really as lovely as you described, they will understand.

[Anonymous]

I honestly can’t believe you let your young kids sleep in the basement with no heat. Who thought that was a good plan? Next time this happens, speak up and say you don’t feel comfortable having the kids sleep in the basement.

There really is no good solution here. If you insist on the bedroom, then you are throwing old people in the basement, which is also not good.

You need to just talk to everyone and say that you are no longer comfortable sleeping in the basement and you will need to visit separately from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly can’t believe you let your young kids sleep in the basement with no heat. Who thought that was a good plan? Next time this happens, speak up and say you don’t feel comfortable having the kids sleep in the basement.

There really is no good solution here. If you insist on the bedroom, then you are throwing old people in the basement, which is also not good.

You need to just talk to everyone and say that you are no longer comfortable sleeping in the basement and you will need to visit separately from now on.

I think part of the issue is the elders can't safely do the stairs (nor can OP's young kids). So yeah, separate visits because the house can't accommodate all the families at once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

This is really the only approach. Honest, direct, kind. If they're really as lovely as you described, they will understand.

My only note is that it is really nice that adult siblings get along and their mother should be pleased with that, even if it means she doesn’t get to be in every visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

Just here to say that this is a beautiful family dynamic and so rare to find these days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

This is really the only approach. Honest, direct, kind. If they're really as lovely as you described, they will understand.

I have a similar dynamic with my local parents and my in-laws who love it when all their kids are together. My in-laws would be totally fine if we framed it as -
Basement is not safe for the kids anymore now that they are more mobile/curious
Basement is cold
Doesn’t work for potty training / kids who can’t navigate to the bathroom on their own
My back / DH’s back

Same with kid events and activities. Not so long ago the kids were babies and everyone probably sat around and cooed at them. Then it was a pandemic and things were not open. Now the kids are big enough for activities and they shouldn’t have to stay home for the less mobile people. I like the person who said you should just say “we’re taking the kids for a hike to work the wiggles out, do you want to meet us for lunch?”. It shows them that you are not excluding them for a whole day - but that kids age 2-5 need lots of exercise and fresh air. Also - why go to a rural location if you aren’t going to spend time outside enjoying the scenery?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

This is really the only approach. Honest, direct, kind. If they're really as lovely as you described, they will understand.

And if they try and guilt-trip you, then they aren't that lovely. It's completely reasonable not to sleep in the basement.
It's also absurd that you don't do kid stuff because the in-laws can't do it. Just go do the fun kid thing in the morning and meet up for lunch or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

This is really the only approach. Honest, direct, kind. If they're really as lovely as you described, they will understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

SIL and BIL do come here to visit, but they stay with the in laws as they have a 4 bedroom house. Sometimes the older cousin comes and stays at our house for a sleepover with our oldest.

I actually liked the idea that someone posted about a camper. Not a bad solution and they have a huge driveway we could park in.

Our issue with staying in a hotel 40 mins away is that we enjoy the visiting part after the kids go to sleep. We get adult talk, have a drink, play cards.

They have a time share so the Mexico trip just involved switching their timeshare week and changing the flights which they had insurance on.


Thanks for all the thoughts.

You keep leaving out the smoking gun. How are the inlaws finding out about these trips? Who is telling them and why?

OP here. We usually see them once a week. They typically ask to pick the kids up from preschool one day and take them to the park for an hour. Or DH's grandparents are in their 90s and in need of a lot of a support so we tag team and communicate with them on that. There's 1000% chance my kids would spill the beans even if we tried to hide it. It would also be just a really shocking dynamic to have them find out after because we chit chat all the time. MIL is making the kids Halloween costumes, DH was there yesterday getting something down from their attic for them, we get together 1-2 Sundays per month and watch football/have a pot luck. They're fantastic grandparents and in laws and I definitely don't want to rock the boat this is just one sticking point. DH and I have also been together since we were 17 so a lot is just enmeshed between our families. Like my mom and my MIL are going to a play this month. My dad bought a project hot rod and FIL has been helping him fix it up for fun. My youngest brother lives a few blocks from my in laws and they pay him to do their leaves, snow, handy man stuff.

So why can't your DH (their son) just tell them "so this is awkward and we don't want it to sound like we're excluding you guys, but we can't do the basement at Bro's house anymore - nobody gets any sleep because it's freezing down there and we're constantly shuttling the kids to an from the bathroom - so we're going to have to start visiting Bro on our own and we can all get together next time they're up here." Obviously his brother and SIL have to be on board with this and DH can talk to them about that first.

I would not make this about "brother time" or "cousin time" or "girl time" at all; I would focus on the space constraints at their house.

This is really the only approach. Honest, direct, kind. If they're really as lovely as you described, they will understand.

+1

[Anonymous]

Could anyone afford to solo pay or chip-in to get the basement finished?