My MIL and FIL never let DH and I visit BIL and SIL alone

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have two kids ages 4 and 2. We live 15 minutes from DH's parents and see them all the time.

Dh's brother and his wife and their two kids ages 5 and 3 live 6 hours away. They have a small 3bd house in the countryside ~40 minutes from the nearest town. Every time we make plans to go visit BIL and SIL, Dh's parents drop everything and come at the same time. I fully understand wanting to be with all their grandchildren and we do that multiple times per year already, but it makes everything so much more hectic having them come. They take up a bedroom and then expect that my family sleeps in the freezing cold unfinished basement. Literally- their house is heated by a wood pellet stove on the first floor that doesn't really get heat to the basement. It's usually around 50 degrees down there and there's concrete floor. Our 2yo goes in the pack n play, DH and I get a double air mattress and 4yo gets a single air mattress. There's very steep stairs and no bathroom down there so we're up helping the kids pee, getting them extra blankets, etc. Obviously, I understand that the in laws deserve the bedroom, but it would just be so nice to get a chance to make the 6 hour drive and then actually be able to sleep. There's no Airbnb or hotel around. Further, SIL and I are very close. If we try to sneak away and get our nails done or grab a coffee, MIL will be like "ok let me grab my coat!". In laws have also both had double knee replacements recently so we can never go do the things the kids want to do- hike, children's museum, corn maze etc. MIL and FIL also have a few drinks and spew their political beliefs and it's just so exhausting.

We tried planning to visit BIL while my in laws were set to be in Mexico and they changed the dates of their trip to come with us. I know if we tell them that we want to go alone, it will start a huge mess. DH and I love BIL and SIL so much and are just sad we never get quality time to hang with them!

[Anonymous]

Why or what would happen if you went to visit without sharing the twins? Why are you always have to share your plans with the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why or what would happen if you went to visit without sharing the twins? Why are you always have to share your plans with the parents?

*The travel plans

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh and I have two kids ages 4 and 2. We live 15 minutes from DH's parents and see them all the time.

Dh's brother and his wife and their two kids ages 5 and 3 live 6 hours away. They have a small 3bd house in the countryside ~40 minutes from the nearest town. Every time we make plans to go visit BIL and SIL, Dh's parents drop everything and come at the same time. I fully understand wanting to be with all their grandchildren and we do that multiple times per year already, but it makes everything so much more hectic having them come. They take up a bedroom and then expect that my family sleeps in the freezing cold unfinished basement. Literally- their house is heated by a wood pellet stove on the first floor that doesn't really get heat to the basement. It's usually around 50 degrees down there and there's concrete floor. Our 2yo goes in the pack n play, DH and I get a double air mattress and 4yo gets a single air mattress. There's very steep stairs and no bathroom down there so we're up helping the kids pee, getting them extra blankets, etc. Obviously, I understand that the in laws deserve the bedroom, but it would just be so nice to get a chance to make the 6 hour drive and then actually be able to sleep. There's no Airbnb or hotel around. Further, SIL and I are very close. If we try to sneak away and get our nails done or grab a coffee, MIL will be like "ok let me grab my coat!". In laws have also both had double knee replacements recently so we can never go do the things the kids want to do- hike, children's museum, corn maze etc. MIL and FIL also have a few drinks and spew their political beliefs and it's just so exhausting.

We tried planning to visit BIL while my in laws were set to be in Mexico and they changed the dates of their trip to come with us. I know if we tell them that we want to go alone, it will start a huge mess. DH and I love BIL and SIL so much and are just sad we never get quality time to hang with them!

Why do you tell them what you're doing? Why can't you have BIL/SIL come to your house and don't tell MIL. Alternatively, you tell MIL that the basement is too cold and uncomfortable and you need the bedroom for young children.

[Anonymous]

Don’t tell them your plans. They don’t need to know.

[Anonymous]

Your DH and his brother need to tell their parents that the next visit will be brothers and brother families only. "This visit is a brotherly and cousin bonding visit, mom, I'm sure you understand and want us all to be close." Your MIL will probably pout, but that's for your DH and his brother to handle.

The other option is nobody tell them the next time you are going, then you manage the fallout when they inevitably find out. But that's for your husband and his brother to do.

[Anonymous]

Don't tell them, if they find out when you're there (or after) just say "oh we had our weekend plans fall through last minute so we decided to go visit SIL/BIL instead!" If you do end up telling them your plans in advance and they try to crash them just say "oh if that's a good weekend for you to visit BIL/SIL we'll let you have that one and go another time. its getting too hard to stay in the basement" and just do that every single time until they realize you're always going to cancel if they try to crash. if they take it personally that's a them problem, not a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why or what would happen if you went to visit without sharing the twins? Why are you always have to share your plans with the parents?

NP - my parents live 25 min from me and we see them every weekend. If we made plans to be out of town or if we have plans that don’t include them, we let them know. I am guessing OP has a similar situation where the local grandparents expect Sunday dinner or an explanation. In that case OP would literally have to lie about where she’s going.

[Anonymous]

OP - why can’t the sibling/cousins visit you?

[Anonymous]

"Dear FIL, MIL, BIL and SIL,

I cannot come over and sleep in a 50F degree basement with little kids again. I am just done with that. It's horribly uncomfortable, despite BIL and SIL's best efforts to make it cozy. From now on, we'll stagger our visits to BIL and SIL's house to moments when we can use the guest room.

Love,

Freezing Me Who Wants to Pee"

[Anonymous]

Double knee replacements. Six hour drive. If you weren't going, how often would the MIL/FIL be able to make the trip without you? Just curious.

[Anonymous]

OMG, there are so many threads like this. WHYYYYY do you people tell your in-laws that this visit is happening??? Just go and don't tell them until after the fact. So dumb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Double knee replacements. Six hour drive. If you weren't going, how often would the MIL/FIL be able to make the trip without you? Just curious.

Granny has arrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why or what would happen if you went to visit without sharing the twins? Why are you always have to share your plans with the parents?

NP - my parents live 25 min from me and we see them every weekend. If we made plans to be out of town or if we have plans that don’t include them, we let them know. I am guessing OP has a similar situation where the local grandparents expect Sunday dinner or an explanation. In that case OP would literally have to lie about where she’s going.

"Sorry mom, we're swamped this weekend, and aren't able to make weekend plans with you. See you Tuesday, love ya!"

[Anonymous]

IT'S CALLED BOUNDARIES.