Gift giving at Bat Mitzvah?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My HS the bar/batcash gifts were placed in well
Managed stock funds.

Two people my HS bought condos in Manhattan post graduation for cash with money. Their parents paid for college.

And they had money left over. A gift card or physical gift is just wasted.

A bar mitz in 1988 the DJIA was only 2,000. Today it is 32,000.

That kid would now be 47. It was common in my town to get $10k to 20k. But mind you big fancy large parties did cost a lot even back then.

If kid got 20k in 1988 today would be $320,000. Beats an Amazon gift card. Some kids my HS got 40k to 50k back in late 1970s. I think DJIA was around 1,000 or less. That is like 1.6 million today.

I can not think of the right words to respond. .... It is like you are thinking the goal of the ceremony is the make the kid rich by soliciting contributions from their soccer team! How about sharing the lovely passing of tradition between generations? A Bar/Bat Mitzah is not a Go Fund Me page.

[Anonymous]

I would expect between $25-75 for a non Jewish kid attending solo. Bonus points if it is in a multiple of 18 as that shows they tried and googled bat mitzvah gift or attended enough they picked up on multiples of 18 being traditional.

For non Jewish families attending I would expected between 100-250.

For Jewish kids 72 minimum unless there is a circumstance.

For family members - 500 minimum but my dd received 5000+ from multiple close family members.

This would be what I expect from guest at “typical fancy” DMV bay mitzvahs. They are as expensive as weddings - Saturday evening venue rental, food/cocktail hour, DJ, MC, dancers, lighting, “swag”, candy bars, photo booth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you can’t give a substantial gift, there’s no point in going. Don’t embarrass yourself and the hosts.

Right. We are not Jewish but gave $100 and was told by hostess mother that "most people have $500."! I kept her "personal note" to me and it is verbatim:

'Thank you for the $100. The average gift was $500 but we know that not everyone can afford this amount and Larlo appreciates all gifts."

I suspect that she thought that I would send her another $400. I did not.

Wow. Proof that money doesn’t buy class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our Jewish family:

Kids get invited, we don't know the family: $54
Kids invited, we know the family well $108

Family invited, not close friends: $180 (there are 4 of us)
Family invited, close friends, $288 and up

We are non-Jewish family.
Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect between $25-75 for a non Jewish kid attending solo. Bonus points if it is in a multiple of 18 as that shows they tried and googled bat mitzvah gift or attended enough they picked up on multiples of 18 being traditional.

For non Jewish families attending I would expected between 100-250.

For Jewish kids 72 minimum unless there is a circumstance.

For family members - 500 minimum but my dd received 5000+ from multiple close family members.

This would be what I expect from guest at “typical fancy” DMV bay mitzvahs. They are as expensive as weddings - Saturday evening venue rental, food/cocktail hour, DJ, MC, dancers, lighting, “swag”, candy bars, photo booth.

What does the fancy-ness have to do with the gift?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expect between $25-75 for a non Jewish kid attending solo. Bonus points if it is in a multiple of 18 as that shows they tried and googled bat mitzvah gift or attended enough they picked up on multiples of 18 being traditional.

For non Jewish families attending I would expected between 100-250.

For Jewish kids 72 minimum unless there is a circumstance.

For family members - 500 minimum but my dd received 5000+ from multiple close family members.

This would be what I expect from guest at “typical fancy” DMV bay mitzvahs. They are as expensive as weddings - Saturday evening venue rental, food/cocktail hour, DJ, MC, dancers, lighting, “swag”, candy bars, photo booth.

What does the fancy-ness have to do with the gift?

Just people aren’t throwing a backyard bbq and expecting 50 for your kid to go.

[Anonymous]

Interesting how this thread has been modified

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting how this thread has been modified

Censored not modified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expect between $25-75 for a non Jewish kid attending solo. Bonus points if it is in a multiple of 18 as that shows they tried and googled bat mitzvah gift or attended enough they picked up on multiples of 18 being traditional.

For non Jewish families attending I would expected between 100-250.

For Jewish kids 72 minimum unless there is a circumstance.

For family members - 500 minimum but my dd received 5000+ from multiple close family members.

This would be what I expect from guest at “typical fancy” DMV bay mitzvahs. They are as expensive as weddings - Saturday evening venue rental, food/cocktail hour, DJ, MC, dancers, lighting, “swag”, candy bars, photo booth.

What does the fancy-ness have to do with the gift?

I still don't understand this either. I mean, my wedding cost about $100,000 and we had fewer than 200 guests, so about $500 per head. I can think of a couple of relatives who "covered" that with their gift to us, but the vast, vast majority of our guests gave much, much less. The money we spent on the wedding was for our own enjoyment and that of our guests. We did not intend to recoup the costs through gifts. WTAF?!?!

Likewise, if I am invited to a bar/bat mitzvah, I do not expect pay for their reception. As it so happens, I have only been invited to two bar mitzvahs as an adult and both were in NYC and both were children of very close friends of ours. We have $360 to each and I thought that was more than generous. My kids have not yet been invited to any alone, but my son likely will soon. I imagine we will give $54 or $108, depending on how close he is to the kid. (I can see us doing a bit more for a best friend but his best friends are not Jewish.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would expect between $25-75 for a non Jewish kid attending solo. Bonus points if it is in a multiple of 18 as that shows they tried and googled bat mitzvah gift or attended enough they picked up on multiples of 18 being traditional.

For non Jewish families attending I would expected between 100-250.

For Jewish kids 72 minimum unless there is a circumstance.

For family members - 500 minimum but my dd received 5000+ from multiple close family members.

This would be what I expect from guest at “typical fancy” DMV bay mitzvahs. They are as expensive as weddings - Saturday evening venue rental, food/cocktail hour, DJ, MC, dancers, lighting, “swag”, candy bars, photo booth.

What does the fancy-ness have to do with the gift?

Just people aren’t throwing a backyard bbq and expecting 50 for your kid to go.

What is the bar/bat mitzvah is a party in the family's backyard? With catering from a local, non-fancy restaurant? Does that change expectations? Because I have only ever been to 2 bat mitzvahs and they were very low-key affairs.

[Anonymous]

As a wealthy Catholic, I appreciate this thread. I would not have guessed that you spend so much money on a Bat Mitzvah gift - that’s different from what we do for Confirmation. So I am glad to know thoughts and numbers for appropriate gifts so as not to offend anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a wealthy Catholic, I appreciate this thread. I would not have guessed that you spend so much money on a Bat Mitzvah gift - that’s different from what we do for Confirmation. So I am glad to know thoughts and numbers for appropriate gifts so as not to offend anyone.

Please know that you won't offend if you don't know what is commonly done. We know that everyone's traditions and finances are different. Yes, I assume some people will give 200-300, because I just know that's common. I also assume some will give a piece of jewelry or $30, because they think of it like any other birthday party. I don't invite people to an event because of the gifts; I invite them because I want them there. I don't invite them to "cover their plate"; I set a budget for the party and don't expect to get "reimbursed".

The event IS a big deal. The service is labor intensive and special. And the party is celebrating the hard work and right of passage. If you respect that and would like to celebrate with us, please do, and don't worry about what you give! Others here think it's a gift grab, and I wouldn't want them there if that's the case, becuase it couldn't be further from the truth and is pretty insulting to hear. That's the only way to offend here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a wealthy Catholic, I appreciate this thread. I would not have guessed that you spend so much money on a Bat Mitzvah gift - that’s different from what we do for Confirmation. So I am glad to know thoughts and numbers for appropriate gifts so as not to offend anyone.

Please know that you won't offend if you don't know what is commonly done. We know that everyone's traditions and finances are different. Yes, I assume some people will give 200-300, because I just know that's common. I also assume some will give a piece of jewelry or $30, because they think of it like any other birthday party. I don't invite people to an event because of the gifts; I invite them because I want them there. I don't invite them to "cover their plate"; I set a budget for the party and don't expect to get "reimbursed".

The event IS a big deal. The service is labor intensive and special. And the party is celebrating the hard work and right of passage. If you respect that and would like to celebrate with us, please do, and don't worry about what you give! Others here think it's a gift grab, and I wouldn't want them there if that's the case, becuase it couldn't be further from the truth and is pretty insulting to hear. That's the only way to offend here.

I'm Jewish and I think the cash giving has gotten completely ridiculous. I'm from the area and when I had my Bat Mitzvah back in the 80s, I got lovely gifts from my friends and relatives. I don't know when the cash expectation started, but it's gotten completely out of hand.

[Anonymous]

I think the greater question that has arisen is what is an appropriate way to mark milestones? Obviously people have very different feelings on this.

[Anonymous]

People talk. I recall when I got married (I was third) I ask for excel list sister first created and passes to brother of guests to invite our side. I noticed two columns with gift amounts. I used it and the. Update it and added third commute. for younger sister.

We paid our own weddings and invited everyone, but amazing a handful of cheap rich relatives expect young brides to subsidize their meals.

The worse my one cheap uncle gave $25 each time. My one generous uncle gave $500 each time.

Don’t have to be too generous but don’t be that $25 guy to a $150 a plate dinner