Lack of In-law Support

[Anonymous]

Nothing about your in laws matter, your problem is your husband yells at you and throws things at you. Handle that before worrying about who asks you how you are doing.

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you had to learn this lesson a hard way. I too was hoping for at least fair treatment from my FIL during divorce and settlement, but no. Made me realize that blood family comes first always and to never ever trust in laws. You are just someone they have to deal with for them; an accessory to their dear child. It’s harsh but very true.
I had a very complicated relationship with my own family and was looking to find that family love and care but now realize how misplaced it was.
I hope you are able to heal soon. Let your DH do what he must wrt elder care but don’t put in your own effort or emotion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

Well, let go of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

You helped them so they would do for you, tit for tat, later? That’s a pretty gross thing to admit so brazenly.

You sound immature and self-involved.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

I don’t think he should be demanded to leave when we have zero support. They aren’t the only ones with a need for support. They took the support from us and just keep demanding.

It’s not your SIL’s fault that you don’t have family support on your side nor is it an acceptable reason for your DH to foist all parental care on her. From the time described your child is no longer a newborn and you need to stop expecting everyone to cater to you. You definitely sound like the selfish one.

Wow - what harsh and horrible people on this board. I guess that no one gives a crap when someone else has needs. Our need is to be respected to Ben’s family. She has stonewalled and ignored us during a time of need. She isn’t the only one with problems.

You don’t like the truth. Too bad. No one owes you anything. Having had a child doesn’t make you special. You have some nerve expecting to control whether or how your husband helps his parents. Please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hate all of you. Horrific people. Guess I should just divorce and be alone. It’s practically how I feel.

You are soooooo melodramatic. Your victim complex is absurd. Are you 18?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

And yet you’re upset that your husband‘s family didn’t drop everything to care for you when you were pregnant???

I’m not expecting anyone to take care of me. Just show an interest. It doesn’t matter anyway. He tells me how much he hates me and namecalls me. I’m all alone. Other people were right I have a husband problem. He gets nasty and throws things/lacks empathy when I tell him something is stressful. He seems to lack empathy. I tried counseling and he doesn’t change. It’s making me depressed.

You need therapy now. 1) it’s not acceptable for your husband to throw things. 2) you need to set emotional boundaries. Your SIL not asking you how you are shouldn’t throw you into a tizzy. 3) learn to communicate your needs. If for some reason you need someone to check in on you or you need phone calls asking about how you are, ASK them to. Most people aren’t mind readers and you have agency in what happens to you.

You came from a dysfunctional home, don’t recreate one for your own child. Therapy. Now. Also don’t let strangers on the internet make you cry FFS. You’re stronger than that!

Throwing objects is abusive. That’s not a healthy environment for an infant or you. It’s understandable you are under a lot of strain from having elderly in laws with a lot of health and caregiving needs and a needy infant. It’s also understandable that after a traumatic birth you felt unsupported and that people did not realize what you went through. The answer to your issues with your family and husband is therapy. You need to work on your marriage. Your sister in law is not the issue here. You need to adjust your expectations of what you wanted life with his family to be versus what it is. My parents are divorced and I have 4 sets of grand parents in their 70s. Only one set helps - sometimes. The other 3 pairs are useless with our kids and expect to be catered to and treated as guests. The only break I get is when my eldest is at school and the youngest is with the nanny. Being in the sandwich generation is hard and many people have to juggle caregiving relationships of elderly parents with caregiving for their kids. You and your husband need to figure out a better way to manage your stress and work together to come up with a caregiving plan that works for all of you - his sister included. You guys need to be in the same team but it sounds like you are angry his parents are needy and incapable of supporting you (when you feel the need to mothered and have no one from
Your family to provide this), angry your husband feels obligated to them, and angry his sister is not taking more of a caretaking role (despite her doing so for what sounds like a very long time). You need to learn to mother yourself - you aren’t going to get this support from his family because they don’t have the capacity for it. Therapy, therapy, therapy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

If he's lucky!

That’s so nice. Do you know that he throws things and screams at me when he projects the stress of his parents on me? This started right when we got married/got pregnant. I am in therapy mostly dealing with how to cope with someone who I thought would care for me as his parents and instead projects his guilt and fears onto me. If anything, I’ve been more patient after the first time he threw something and yelled how it wasn’t stressful when I was helping him provide care when it was (like helping people prep every meal when they suddenly lost that ability to do so). I did it and got criticized for not being strong enough when the elder care made me horribly depressed and scared of my new husband. So really tell me again how I am awful for saying enough and I can’t take it anymore. I am trying for my kid to create a secure base and his unresolved anger is not helping.

Then leave! Apparently, you enjoy wallowing in self pity.

[Anonymous]

Wow I’m surprised at how nasty a lot of people on here are. I agree with the therapy suggestion. I also have less than helpful in laws and SIL who thinks the world revolves around her but I try to not let it bother me. Don’t let your expectations ruin what your life actually is. Work on your relationship and focus on raising your kid in a happy, healthy, and stable home. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Why does your husband do what she tells him? Why aren't you taking this up with him instead of blaming her?

I try to talk to him and he yells and throws things at me. He refuses to actually talk to her about it and just does whatever she demands.

If this is the case your main problem is your husband.

[Anonymous]

Wow, people on here are so nasty and quick to make judgements and recommendations [for divorce?!].

OP, I don’t fully understand your situation but focus all your energy in securing that stable environment for your child and yourself, and hopefully on that path your relationship with husband and SIL will shape up. If it does not, you know what hard choices you’ll have to make. In such a sticky situation you’ll have to be brave and swallow pride and expectations while holding your ground for your and child’s needs. It’s not easy, but you will get through this.

It is so tough not having family support, I completely understand just wishing for someone to care enough to ask how you’re doing. We all deserve that, but cannot control how others act, only ourselves. Best wishes, you’ve got this mama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, people on here are so nasty and quick to make judgements and recommendations [for divorce?!].

OP, I don’t fully understand your situation but focus all your energy in securing that stable environment for your child and yourself, and hopefully on that path your relationship with husband and SIL will shape up. If it does not, you know what hard choices you’ll have to make. In such a sticky situation you’ll have to be brave and swallow pride and expectations while holding your ground for your and child’s needs. It’s not easy, but you will get through this.

It is so tough not having family support, I completely understand just wishing for someone to care enough to ask how you’re doing. We all deserve that, but cannot control how others act, only ourselves. Best wishes, you’ve got this mama.

LOL is this your first day? OP asked for advice, doesn't like the advice she received and continued to play victim.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Why does your husband do what she tells him? Why aren't you taking this up with him instead of blaming her?

I try to talk to him and he yells and throws things at me. He refuses to actually talk to her about it and just does whatever she demands.

If this is the case your main problem is your husband.

+1,000. This has nothing to do with his family, your husband is the issue.

[Anonymous]

You kind of sound crazy and selfish, OP. You helped your DH spend time taking care of his parents to give his sister a break. Doesn't say anywhere in your post that you personally stepped up and took care of them. Their health is declining and SIL is primary care provider, she's probably very overwhelmed. Have you considered hiring your own help? Sounds like you might need someone to help take care of you, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

I don’t think he should be demanded to leave when we have zero support. They aren’t the only ones with a need for support. They took the support from us and just keep demanding.

This is confusing.

SIL had mil and fil help with her kids for a while.
Mil and fil became elderly/in need of care.
SIL became their primary caregiver even though she had kids. You helped her with the in-laws sometimes.
Now you have a child.
SIL is still primary caregiver.
Now you no longer want to help because you have a child.
You think it's unfair for SIL to ask you for help with the in-laws because you don't have those very in-laws to help you.

Is this right?