Lack of In-law Support

[Anonymous]

Maybe I’m just here for commiseration - but has anyone else struggled with seeing an unflattering side of your in-laws after having a baby? Before I had a child and got married (both in the pandemic so crappy and upsetting), I had, for years, helped my now DH spend time with his parents to give their primary caregiver (my now SIL) a break. I guess I always expected that they were so loving and caring they would care for me too. Well, their health took a turn for the worse and SIL is in denial and refuses to find them nursing care, instead dumping it on her siblings. I never said a peep but now that I have a baby it is incredibly depressing to me how this family has not even shown to give two craps about me and our needs as a family.

I had severe birth complications and a premature baby during Covid (like many of you). After all the smiley, kissy face texts thanking me for helping with her parents (which I now realize I had no obligation to do pre marriage), she didn’t even ask how I was. Neither did his parents. None of them. It has made me resent her and the parents and feel sick to my stomach realizing how they don’t care about my needs. For example, i had what turned out to be false labor and my DH was guilted to still go watch his parents so she could go on vacation. When she asked how I was and I said not great, she stonewalled me and triangulated DH to say she was scared I was mad. I was more mad that she didn’t ask how I was! And his mom saw me and asked me, heavily pregnant, to wait on her and do her dishes.

After I had the traumatic birth, I struggled for months feeling ignored by them even though I asked how they were often. Now that my baby is in daycare, I have to deal with SIL laying the guilt on DH to come watch his parents again. She apparently is saying well I did it alone and only had daycare. Well she had her healthy parents to help not take her husband away so she’d be like a single parent!

I am so done and told SIL I sympathize with her stress and wish we could help but our family is first. She is stonewalling me. It hurts. Am I awful? I want us to visit a few times a year even though they hurt me so much and, to me, took advantage of my kindness and perhaps naïveté.

It’s just so selfish and I feel alone and distressed that I hoped my in-laws could be the family I never had myself.

[Anonymous]

I forgot to add that this situation is causing so much stress in my marriage that I can’t take it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Your in-laws aren't able to take care of themselves and you want your SIL to take care of you? Where is your family? SILs don't usually drop everything to help their brother's wife with a new baby when she's caring for her parents. Your family should be the one to step up to the plate. Where are your sisters, your brothers, their spouses and your parents?

[Anonymous]

Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

[Anonymous]

I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

[Anonymous]

Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

Old people in nursing homes, or in need of that care, aren't really the type of people to be able to pitch in and help with a new baby. Nor are other parents with young children who also need to take care of their parents. Find a good nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

I don’t think he should be demanded to leave when we have zero support. They aren’t the only ones with a need for support. They took the support from us and just keep demanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

Old people in nursing homes, or in need of that care, aren't really the type of people to be able to pitch in and help with a new baby. Nor are other parents with young children who also need to take care of their parents. Find a good nanny.

Her kids are practically adults. She doesn’t have young kids. She didn’t have to deal with this crap when she had a baby and now she doesn’t even seem to care that we’re drowning.

[Anonymous]

I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You want your husband to turn his back on his parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You don’t have a baby assuming other family members will take care of it for you. That’s what hiring babysitters and Nannie’s is for. You do for others out of the goodness of your heart, not for a return on the investment.

[Anonymous]

Thank your lucky stars that they're old and hopefully they'll be out of your hair soon.