Lack of In-law Support

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Why does your husband do what she tells him? Why aren't you taking this up with him instead of blaming her?

I try to talk to him and he yells and throws things at me. He refuses to actually talk to her about it and just does whatever she demands.

So you can't handle your husband so you're going to blame his sister. Seems like you have bigger problems than unsupportive in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

I don’t think he should be demanded to leave when we have zero support. They aren’t the only ones with a need for support. They took the support from us and just keep demanding.

It’s not your SIL’s fault that you don’t have family support on your side nor is it an acceptable reason for your DH to foist all parental care on her. From the time described your child is no longer a newborn and you need to stop expecting everyone to cater to you. You definitely sound like the selfish one.

Wow - what harsh and horrible people on this board. I guess that no one gives a crap when someone else has needs. Our need is to be respected to Ben’s family. She has stonewalled and ignored us during a time of need. She isn’t the only one with problems.

You literally claimed that you told your SIL that you while you felt bad about her needs (for help caring for your in-laws) your family came first….so you’re not really one to talk.

Thanks everyone for making me cry. It’s sick how women jump on women and we expect nothing of our in-laws. I don’t have parents to rely on (abuse) or relatives. I just don’t want her to dump her crap on us and have mutual respect for our needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You don’t have a baby assuming other family members will take care of it for you. That’s what hiring babysitters and Nannie’s is for. You do for others out of the goodness of your heart, not for a return on the investment.

Do you not read? I am sad that they don’t ask how I/we are after all we’ve done. I’m not expecting anyone to help because I have sympathy and respect their needs. What I have an issue with is taking advantage of my kindness and ignorance before I married in and then not even getting a how are you text or an acknowledgement that it may be too hard for us to help.

It’s not too hard for ‘us’ to help. It’s too hard for you. They’re not asking you to leave your toddler but their son is obligated to take some of the weight off his sister’s shoulders. And they did ask how you are, you’re just mad that apparently they didn’t drop medically ill seniors to listen to you complain about being a parent.

Nope he’s not. They need to be in a nursing home. They have the means and she won’t do it or discuss it. It’s not a conversation. I am not going to be miserable for years as a single mom basically so she can boss us all around.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t agree and it’s curious that as soon as your life got a tiny bit hard you’re pushing for the ‘throw them away’ choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Why does your husband do what she tells him? Why aren't you taking this up with him instead of blaming her?

I try to talk to him and he yells and throws things at me. He refuses to actually talk to her about it and just does whatever she demands.

So you can't handle your husband so you're going to blame his sister. Seems like you have bigger problems than unsupportive in-laws.

I do - I tried to talk to her because he won’t and just lashes out at me and calls me horrible things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

I don’t think he should be demanded to leave when we have zero support. They aren’t the only ones with a need for support. They took the support from us and just keep demanding.

It’s not your SIL’s fault that you don’t have family support on your side nor is it an acceptable reason for your DH to foist all parental care on her. From the time described your child is no longer a newborn and you need to stop expecting everyone to cater to you. You definitely sound like the selfish one.

Wow - what harsh and horrible people on this board. I guess that no one gives a crap when someone else has needs. Our need is to be respected to Ben’s family. She has stonewalled and ignored us during a time of need. She isn’t the only one with problems.

You literally claimed that you told your SIL that you while you felt bad about her needs (for help caring for your in-laws) your family came first….so you’re not really one to talk.

Thanks everyone for making me cry. It’s sick how women jump on women and we expect nothing of our in-laws. I don’t have parents to rely on (abuse) or relatives. I just don’t want her to dump her crap on us and have mutual respect for our needs.

It’s not her crap, it’s THEIR parents. And you knew what the situation was before marriage and baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You don’t have a baby assuming other family members will take care of it for you. That’s what hiring babysitters and Nannie’s is for. You do for others out of the goodness of your heart, not for a return on the investment.

Do you not read? I am sad that they don’t ask how I/we are after all we’ve done. I’m not expecting anyone to help because I have sympathy and respect their needs. What I have an issue with is taking advantage of my kindness and ignorance before I married in and then not even getting a how are you text or an acknowledgement that it may be too hard for us to help.

It’s not too hard for ‘us’ to help. It’s too hard for you. They’re not asking you to leave your toddler but their son is obligated to take some of the weight off his sister’s shoulders. And they did ask how you are, you’re just mad that apparently they didn’t drop medically ill seniors to listen to you complain about being a parent.

He is being guilted by them. I can’t take this. They could live another 10 years. You never know. I wanted a supportive loving family. Not one that doesn’t give two shits about me.
Nope he’s not. They need to be in a nursing home. They have the means and she won’t do it or discuss it. It’s not a conversation. I am not going to be miserable for years as a single mom basically so she can boss us all around.

Sounds like your husband doesn’t agree and it’s curious that as soon as your life got a tiny bit hard you’re pushing for the ‘throw them away’ choice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You don’t have a baby assuming other family members will take care of it for you. That’s what hiring babysitters and Nannie’s is for. You do for others out of the goodness of your heart, not for a return on the investment.

Do you not read? I am sad that they don’t ask how I/we are after all we’ve done. I’m not expecting anyone to help because I have sympathy and respect their needs. What I have an issue with is taking advantage of my kindness and ignorance before I married in and then not even getting a how are you text or an acknowledgement that it may be too hard for us to help.

So you’re butt-hurt that you didn’t get asked a specific question at a specific time? Are you actually an adult?! People aren’t reading your internal script for your fantasy life. Focus on the good things you have and let go of the rest.

[Anonymous]

I hate all of you. Horrific people. Guess I should just divorce and be alone. It’s practically how I feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

Old people in nursing homes, or in need of that care, aren't really the type of people to be able to pitch in and help with a new baby. Nor are other parents with young children who also need to take care of their parents. Find a good nanny.

Her kids are practically adults. She doesn’t have young kids. She didn’t have to deal with this crap when she had a baby and now she doesn’t even seem to care that we’re drowning.

Solo parenting multiple teenagers is a lot harder than two parents looking after 1 infant who is in daycare for much of the day. If you truly feel you’re drowning you probably have postpartum depression and should seek help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Why does your husband do what she tells him? Why aren't you taking this up with him instead of blaming her?

I try to talk to him and he yells and throws things at me. He refuses to actually talk to her about it and just does whatever she demands.

OP, with a lot of kindness, I’d suggest you invest in some good therapy. Your expectations for your in-laws are not really in line with typical expectations, and it sounds like you also have a lot of specific desires for these relationships that 1) aren’t going to happen and 2) may be driven largely by the fact that you don’t have your own family to lean on and check in on you. A therapist will likely suggest that you work to build and cultivate those relationships with friends and others where you can have more mutuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Why does your husband do what she tells him? Why aren't you taking this up with him instead of blaming her?

I try to talk to him and he yells and throws things at me. He refuses to actually talk to her about it and just does whatever she demands.

So you can't handle your husband so you're going to blame his sister. Seems like you have bigger problems than unsupportive in-laws.

I do - I tried to talk to her because he won’t and just lashes out at me and calls me horrible things.

Ok that's terrible but you should be asking how to deal with marital problems when spouses aren't on the same page and elder care is causing stress. The SIL isn't the source of the problems in your home.

[Anonymous]

Hugs OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

OK. You can withdraw from them and do your own thing if you want. I don't understand what kind of Hallmark movie you were expecting your life to be. Having small kids at home is stressful on the parents and their marriage. If you have support of your family, your ILs, your childcare provider - you are lucky. Otherwise, this is NOT a culture where family helps each other. So you suck it up and deal.

Your DH still has to take turns taking care of his parents or he can also cut them off completely. His choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

Ah, your poor husband! I think you should divorce because you are never going to be happy.