Lack of In-law Support

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You don’t have a baby assuming other family members will take care of it for you. That’s what hiring babysitters and Nannie’s is for. You do for others out of the goodness of your heart, not for a return on the investment.

Do you not read? I am sad that they don’t ask how I/we are after all we’ve done. I’m not expecting anyone to help because I have sympathy and respect their needs. What I have an issue with is taking advantage of my kindness and ignorance before I married in and then not even getting a how are you text or an acknowledgement that it may be too hard for us to help.

It’s not too hard for ‘us’ to help. It’s too hard for you. They’re not asking you to leave your toddler but their son is obligated to take some of the weight off his sister’s shoulders. And they did ask how you are, you’re just mad that apparently they didn’t drop medically ill seniors to listen to you complain about being a parent.

Nope he’s not. They need to be in a nursing home. They have the means and she won’t do it or discuss it. It’s not a conversation. I am not going to be miserable for years as a single mom basically so she can boss us all around.

Oh, you are a toxic and jealous person.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

but his parents are his family too? i'm not understanding how she took advantage of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

And yet you’re upset that your husband‘s family didn’t drop everything to care for you when you were pregnant???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

And yet you’re upset that your husband‘s family didn’t drop everything to care for you when you were pregnant???

I’m not expecting anyone to take care of me. Just show an interest. It doesn’t matter anyway. He tells me how much he hates me and namecalls me. I’m all alone. Other people were right I have a husband problem. He gets nasty and throws things/lacks empathy when I tell him something is stressful. He seems to lack empathy. I tried counseling and he doesn’t change. It’s making me depressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

And yet you’re upset that your husband‘s family didn’t drop everything to care for you when you were pregnant???

I’m not expecting anyone to take care of me. Just show an interest. It doesn’t matter anyway. He tells me how much he hates me and namecalls me. I’m all alone. Other people were right I have a husband problem. He gets nasty and throws things/lacks empathy when I tell him something is stressful. He seems to lack empathy. I tried counseling and he doesn’t change. It’s making me depressed.

You need therapy now. 1) it’s not acceptable for your husband to throw things. 2) you need to set emotional boundaries. Your SIL not asking you how you are shouldn’t throw you into a tizzy. 3) learn to communicate your needs. If for some reason you need someone to check in on you or you need phone calls asking about how you are, ASK them to. Most people aren’t mind readers and you have agency in what happens to you.

You came from a dysfunctional home, don’t recreate one for your own child. Therapy. Now. Also don’t let strangers on the internet make you cry FFS. You’re stronger than that!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I forgot to add that this situation is causing so much stress in my marriage that I can’t take it anymore. [/quote

Who held a gun to your head and forced you to help your prospective in-laws? You fail to understand that just because you helped out does not mean, not obligate, your in-laws to reciprocate in kind.

Your SIL is probably burned out and the parents are not well so how can they help. Your husband's family owes you nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also I don’t have a family of my own. I did all this to help hoping his family would care for us and at least show an interest. I was stupid and wrong

You needs to grow up. Babies should not have babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I shouldn’t have even posted this. I guess everyone will feel pity for the elder care needs - I do too and got taken because no one seems to care that we never get a break either. I guess it’s too much to ask people who you gave so much time and help to to check in. It seems basic courtesy to me but maybe not.

You don’t have a baby assuming other family members will take care of it for you. That’s what hiring babysitters and Nannie’s is for. You do for others out of the goodness of your heart, not for a return on the investment.

Do you not read? I am sad that they don’t ask how I/we are after all we’ve done. I’m not expecting anyone to help because I have sympathy and respect their needs. What I have an issue with is taking advantage of my kindness and ignorance before I married in and then not even getting a how are you text or an acknowledgement that it may be too hard for us to help.

Megan Markle is this you? I thought you were in Europe giving "me, me, me, me, me" speeches

[Anonymous]

She doesn’t like you and doesn’t care how you are doing. Build a bridge and cross it. Put your big girl pants on and talk to your husband about what the plan is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

If he's lucky!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

If he's lucky!

That’s so nice. Do you know that he throws things and screams at me when he projects the stress of his parents on me? This started right when we got married/got pregnant. I am in therapy mostly dealing with how to cope with someone who I thought would care for me as his parents and instead projects his guilt and fears onto me. If anything, I’ve been more patient after the first time he threw something and yelled how it wasn’t stressful when I was helping him provide care when it was (like helping people prep every meal when they suddenly lost that ability to do so). I did it and got criticized for not being strong enough when the elder care made me horribly depressed and scared of my new husband. So really tell me again how I am awful for saying enough and I can’t take it anymore. I am trying for my kid to create a secure base and his unresolved anger is not helping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn’t like you and doesn’t care how you are doing. Build a bridge and cross it. Put your big girl pants on and talk to your husband about what the plan is.

I agree she doesn’t like me. Now I get that she was happy to take my kindness and that doesn’t mean she has to like me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t expect her to do anything for me. Just ask how are you.

She asked you and you said "not great".

Not after I had a kid. She said nothing. And she actually didn’t ask how u was that time she just went me an overly positive thank you message even though she knew I was going through a crisis. When I said it’s not great she ignored me.

She has multiple kids and no spouse. You have one kid. And she’s taking care of their parents single-handedly.

Get over yourself.

+1. SIL has raised a few kids, alone, and is now taking care of 2 parents. That's a lot of people. And OP is drowning with one kid in daycare and two parents taking care of it? She's mad she had to do the dishes once while pregnant? Does OP realize lots of women work standing on their feet up until they deliver? Or if she has another baby she'll be doing lots of things "while heavily" pregnant and won't be fawned over and allowed to sit with her feet up all day? You need a reality check, OP. Your in-laws were never going to swoop in and make it all easy for you.

SIL isn’t a single mom. She had help from her partner and parents and my DH on occasion. Also, I just ask that she not make my life harder by demanding my husband leave. I have no reason to care for someone who took advantage of me taking her parents to the bathroom for years.

Okay but it’s not like your husband is literally at her house renovating her kitchen for her. He’s taking care of his parents as he should. Where are your parents?

No he has no requirement to care for people when we have to focus on our family. It’s going to break us apart.

If he's lucky!

That’s so nice. Do you know that he throws things and screams at me when he projects the stress of his parents on me? This started right when we got married/got pregnant. I am in therapy mostly dealing with how to cope with someone who I thought would care for me as his parents and instead projects his guilt and fears onto me. If anything, I’ve been more patient after the first time he threw something and yelled how it wasn’t stressful when I was helping him provide care when it was (like helping people prep every meal when they suddenly lost that ability to do so). I did it and got criticized for not being strong enough when the elder care made me horribly depressed and scared of my new husband. So really tell me again how I am awful for saying enough and I can’t take it anymore. I am trying for my kid to create a secure base and his unresolved anger is not helping.

Sounds like you should be glad he’s gone often then…

[Anonymous]

Divorce. The answer you’re looking for is to leave this situation. Not sure what bandaid you’re looking for, but this won’t get better.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your post is kind of confusing , but it sounds like your SIL has consistently been the primary caregiver for your in-laws (even when she herself had young kids and your husband was single) but now that you also have kids you are upset that your husband is being asked to help care for his parents?

I don’t think he should be demanded to leave when we have zero support. They aren’t the only ones with a need for support. They took the support from us and just keep demanding.

It’s not your SIL’s fault that you don’t have family support on your side nor is it an acceptable reason for your DH to foist all parental care on her. From the time described your child is no longer a newborn and you need to stop expecting everyone to cater to you. You definitely sound like the selfish one.

Wow - what harsh and horrible people on this board. I guess that no one gives a crap when someone else has needs. Our need is to be respected to Ben’s family. She has stonewalled and ignored us during a time of need. She isn’t the only one with problems.

You literally claimed that you told your SIL that you while you felt bad about her needs (for help caring for your in-laws) your family came first….so you’re not really one to talk.

Thanks everyone for making me cry. It’s sick how women jump on women and we expect nothing of our in-laws. I don’t have parents to rely on (abuse) or relatives. I just don’t want her to dump her crap on us and have mutual respect for our needs.

Your husband’s parents are his responsibility as much as his sister’s. It sounds like he is choosing to take care of them because he wants them to age in place at home. Do you want your own children to turn their backs on you someday when they get married and their spouse doesn’t like you?